Random & Incoherent
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
  Merry bruisin' Christmas
Pure unadulterated joy. That goes for both grandson and grandfather, as can be seen in the photo below:

Ya see, junior got his first bike for Christmas this year. The grandparents bought it (instead of the drum set that they've been threatening) and Grandpa put it together.

Now what you don't see is the parked car in the street, just out of frame. And it might be difficult to determine that this is a (slight) downhill shot.

Both big and small almost collide with the automobile. Both big and small end up on the ground.
Junior was not happy with this and wanted nothing more to do with the contraption known as "bicycle". He just pouted, burying his chin into his chest and huffed back into the house.
Even better?
At least 2 of my dad's neighbors watching, telling him what a good grandparent he is for making junior fall.

At least we've gotten the first fall out of the way. And no one incurred more than a bruise, even if it was to their ego.

Unfortunately, due to the rain, we were unable to get him back in the saddle for another ride, but there's always this weekend!

[begin sermon]
Everybody's gonna get thrown. It's happened to me and I've got the scars to prove it. We just gotta get back in the saddle and try again.
[/end sermon]

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  Look on the bright side
As much as I despise working during the holidays (but hey, that's what happens when you burn up all your vacation during the first half of the year) there is a bright spot. A bit of a silver lining to the cloud. A normal 1 hour trip in to the office only took about 35 minutes this morning! I felt like I was on the track at Talladega, with the exception that I was able to do more than simply turn left.
Friday, December 23, 2005
  One of many reasons.......
that I'm moving back to NC:

Sex Toy Company Gets N.C. Business Award

HILLSBOROUGH, N.C. - A sex toy and video mail order business, once picketed by ministers and searched by postal investigators, has been named business of the year in Orange County.

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Thursday, December 22, 2005
  Chris Farley

  $40 worth of drinks
As an alum of Appalachian State University, I was excited about the unheard of Championship win in Chattanooga, TN this past weekend

But I was not nearly as excited as Whitt.
Unfortunately, Whitt, due to a "business" decision, was unable to attend the viewing of unparalleled sportsmanship in Tennessee. He was, however, able to make it to one of his local watering holes to watch on ESPN.

Whitt only knew of one other App State alum that was at the bar, and he informed this person that if App won this game, Whitt would find him and dive tackle him.

Since we already know the outcome of the game, let's hear about the outcome at the bar.

Whitt was in the downstairs section of the bar, watching the game. The other alum was upstairs, playing pool/dancing/whatever.

In true Whitt form: he went upstairs, took a few steps up onto the bar, springboarding off of the bar into his target as promised.

The problem is that Whitt's a little too big to just dive tackle one guy. No, he ends up taking out about 4 or 5 other people as well. Not to mention the fact that he knocked over their round of shots, a couple of beers, and at least one glass of wine.

If nothing else, Whitt WILL follow through!

And to make up for the damage, he replaced the drinks that he had knocked over and apologized for knocking down more than just his singular target. Ended up being about 40 dollars, well worth the dive tackle.

I'm not sure how winning a national championship and causing bodily harm to a fellow alum can be related, but that's just me. I'm just glad I wasn't there, it gave someone else the opportunity to be the target.

Filed under:
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
  It was a zoo
It took almost 2 hours to get home from work today. 38 miles = 2 hours. A tractor-trailer had crossed the median one exit from my house and had back up every interstate, highway, and back road for miles. It was a nightmare. I was stressing out about this because I knew that we had someone coming by to take a look at the house. Had to get there first to make sure that everything was picked up and clean.

Also knew that we were babysitting our little cousin. And my wife's grandmother would be staying with us.

Found out that my wife had volunteered to make potato salad for the next door neighbor.

So we had a 2 year old, a 3 year old, a 4 year old, an 80+ grandmother with a walker, plus 3 adults in the house all while trying to make sure the house would be "show ready" by the time our prospective buyer was to arrive.

Add it all up, and it's a freakin' zoo!

and that's why I now offer you this moment of zen, courtesy of The Ramones:

^clicky-poppy linky thingee^
and that's the way I feel now, wanting to be sedated. And the natty light is helping me along my way.

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  Design for defense
Outside of the thought of having a loaded pistol in my bedside table, this:

is my next best bet for home defense in the case of being burgled. Granted it ain't stopping a bullet, but a knife or other blunt object won't stand a chance!

The first mention of this comes from Fark, which in turn links to Gizmodo, which mentions the name "James McAdam", but fails to link to his site. But once you're there (you're welcome for the link of course), you can find the "Safe Bedside Table".

I'll be submitting this to General Repairs for a mock up, with a few adjustments from others suggestions:
  1. handles on the top of the table. That way you could slip your arm in quickly, lift up, then grab the club and be off. No need to flip things around and fumble with stuff
  2. 2" thick live oak backed by a clean 1/8 inch of steel plate. Should stop at least a 9mm, if you get lucky enough to get it up in time.
  3. look into the feasibility of an end table about the size of a police ballistics shield... polished mahogany with the same steel plating
  4. did i mention the built in .357 mag holster on the underside?
  5. The unit is fitted with polycarbonate plastic plating (covering/shielding). Polycarbonate plastic has many desirable characteristics for this application. The 1.25” thick plating is constructed of laminated sheets and is capable of stopping a bullet from a hand gun up to a 357 magnum caliber.
I think that will do it for now. Hopefully, if he's not too busy, Jerry might be able to work on this and at least get it spec'd for me me.

Taking home defense to a whole new level......home furnishing!

Now with me placing a table order, I might have to wait a bit before commissioning him for the big deal:

Just perfect for home invasions!

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Monday, December 19, 2005
  Get you money's worth
My father-in-law recently had some home renovation work done. The guest bathroom was to be completely re-worked. I haven't had a chance to see it yet, but I was handed a nice letter that the fine folks at Renaissance Bath Design & Renovation sent to my in-laws.

I have recreated the letter here for you, verbatim, only blanking out the physical address of the home in question. No need for any crazies trying to find out who exactly is related to me.

Kay and Kirby,

(I am so busy right now that I am sending this out in advance of the project being completed so please hold onto it until we are done and done to your satisfaction.)

With the exception of your final punchlist and the installation of your medicine cabinet we are at the end of the project. I have prepared a statement for your review below. This letter shall also serve as a master lien waiver certifying that every subcontractor who did work in your home has been paid in full.

If you notice any problems or have any issues with any aspect of the project please do not hesitate to call us. We usually need to return to make fine adjustments as the bathroom gets some use.

Addition: Granite Countertop and undermount sinks: $1718.24
Less (Credit): Original countertop in project plan: ($554.20)

Net Addition: $1164.04

Final Payment Installment: $2728.98

Total Due: $3893.02

Please check my math as well - it should be correct but you know I try to keep everyone on their toes!

You both have been an absolute pleasure to work with and we hope that your new bathroom brings a little more pleasure to each day. I hope that we can use you as a reference during the upcoming year and that Kirby will be a little more candid and try to have a sense of humor!

Have a great Christmas with your family and we look forward to seeing you both in the New Year!

Gregg, Tracey, and the Renaissance Team.

All in all, a very nice letter to sum up the working relationship between my in-laws and the Renaissance Bath Design & Renovation team (outside of a working knowledge of when to use a comma, that is).

Now if you know my father-in-law, then you'll really get a kick out of the part of the letter that states: "hope that we can use you as a reference during the upcoming year and that Kirby will be a little more candid and try to have a sense of humor!"

Kirby has been called a lot of things, but a lack of a sense of humor? Needing to be a bit more candid? Not freakin' likely! And I will illustrate that point with the following letter that he wrote in response, once again, verbatim.

Tracey and Gregg:

It has been a joy working with you. We received your final total due on the bathroom and are overall pleased.

I thought I would write you rather than call on a few issues regarding the bathroom project.

Below are some charge backs from us to you.

Gregg held a sales meeting in our bathroom for his people without our permission for over 45 minutes. Charge for using our bathroom $150.00

A. Both cars were scratched trying to avoid the Renaissance trailer which was parked crooked in our driveway. Estimated damages for both cars $300.00

B. Renaissance workers making cat calls and obscene gestures to my wife as they came in and out of the house. Estimated Lawyer fees $500.00

C. Gregg stealing my pain pills from the kitchen sink. 8 pills at $10 per pill=$80.00

D. Gregg wasting my time with mindless chit-chat. Approximate time 30 hours @ $20.00 per hour = $600.00

The total cost is $1,630.00. Your bill is $3,893.02. We owe you $2,263.02. But due to Tracey's help and personal charm I will add back $300.00 so we owe you $2,563.02.

It hasn't been a heavenly experience and please do not put us on the untruthful and lying reference list that you have obviously made up.



Now, if that's not a display of candor and a sense of humor, then I don't know what is. Yes, he was joking. He's retired. He's got that kind of time.

Filed under:
Friday, December 16, 2005
  Beer Vs. Vagina

1. Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work.

One point to BEER

2. Warm beer tastes awful.

One point to VAGINA

3. A really cold beer is satisfying.

One point to BEER

4. If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit.

One point to VAGINA

5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene, kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina your wife may get mad, kick you out, even leave you.

There's definitely a point to be had here, depending on your point of view and personal circumstances. I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being.

6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere.

One point to VAGINA

7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat any vagina in public, you become a legend.

One point to VAGINA

8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of vagina he may buy you a beer.

One point to VAGINA

9. You normally don't find old beer.

One point to BEER

10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much vagina and you'll think you've seen God.

One point to VAGINA

11. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is fun.

One point to VAGINA

12. In most countries there's a tax on beer.

One point to VAGINA

13. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off.

One point to BEER

14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or a can.

One point to BEER

15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but eventually it settles down.

One point to BEER

16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark, pilsner, ale, lager, etc.

One point to BEER

17. You always know how much beer is going to cost

One point to BEER

18. Beer doesn't have a mother

One point to BEER

19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you drink it

One point to BEER


That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is: BEER

PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or discriminated against, just remember that Beer would experience none of those feelings, let alone express them, an extra point for BEER

As submitted by: Chauncey Love

Filed under:

Thursday, December 15, 2005
  English, MotherF*cker! Do You Speak It!?!? as brought to you by Phaha


Allow me to use it in a sentence.

"I should pop a cap in yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide."

Here, you can find out more about Ebonics.


Allow me to use it in a sentence.

"I need to borrow some money from my moms, but she in a bad mood so I'll jus' escalator."

Or you could just check:

The TAN Guide To Slang, Slurs, And Slander

Filed under:
Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Mechanical Electronic Lifeform Limited to Assassination, Nocturnal Mathematics and Accurate Nullification

Filed under:
  Fan Mail from Pete
Dear Mr. Lee Ferguson,

I am writing to let you know I am one of your biggest fans.
I am president of the east coast chapter of your fan club, I fund reenactments of your movies, I even started a small group that has petitioned the mayor's office to name your birthday as a city holiday.

I would like to also tell you that your last adult film, "Sodomy? No, No, No Sodo you!!!" was just made available to buy on DVD, where I live. I was first in line to buy it. I liked this artistic look at the underbelly of proctology, even though critics say that this is just a retelling of one of your earlier works, "The K.Y. Kid."

Interesting side note, before I was a Furry Head (your fans refer to themselves as that), I believed the K.Y. stood for the Kentucky Kid, foolish me.

I love your work so much that I could not narrow my favorite piece of adult cinéma vérité to just one.

The first one that comes to mind is that medieval tale set in England amidst a holy war, aptly called, "Cumalot."

I have recently heard, through the grape vine that a Lee Ferguson collection will be released, is it true? A few titles that are rumored to be included are that enema flick you did called, "Preparation H-2-O," that one you did some prison time for, "Chester the Molester," and who could ever forget about, "Harry Daughter," with you as a wide eyed sorcerer forced to do magic spells with your wand?

I hope all is going well, I hear that you are putting the final touches on your football movie called, "Tight Ends, Wide Receivers." I hope no injuries were sustained like in that one movie you did called, "You Can't Spell Menstruation Without The Men."

I am looking forward to the new titles you have coming out later this year, like, "Strong Enough For A Man, But Made For A Woman," and a Christmas movie, "Here Cums Santa Clause," a baseball movie called, "If You Build It They Will Cum."

It is hard to believe in just two short years you have completed over 87 movies, impressive by any standard. Well I better go, I was just writing this letter to say you are an inspiration, and one hell of an actor, Keep up the good work.

Your biggest fan.

Filed under:
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
  There's a reason it's the Blue Ribbon Winner

Find out more at the Million Can March

Filed under:
  From the mind of Phaha: Episode III
Filed under:

I am back.
Just like that rash you had in high school, just like your lunch after a BackStreet Boys Burger King commercial.
Just like a fat man in an all you can eat buffet line.
I am back and this is what I think:

I think that when you're home alone and you are walking around naked, you should think about all the dead people who can see you, hell I know I'm not the only one who saw the 6th Sense.

That the voodoo that you do smells like doo-doo.

That a penal correction facility sounds like a dick clinic, rather than a jail.

That I miss the cool toys that we got for Christmas like He-man, Transformers, Cabbage patch kids, stay hard longer lotion, man we had it good.

That If we could all lend a helping hand all we would have left is the hand we wipe our ass with.

That you want to see RuPaul's balls.

That one is the loneliest number, but feel sorry for ten because that one is with a zero.

That I would have second thoughts of naming my son, "BillBo," even if I was a hobbit.

That sometimes I feel like a nut, and sometimes I don't.

That back in the hood, where my peeps affectionately refer to me as P Rock the ham hock, I can't walk a block without some slimmy runnin' up in my backyard tryin' to get a piece of what I got. That's when it strikes, that not so fresh feeling.

That in Europe Miles Davis is referred to as Kilometer Davis.

That sometimes when I'm alone I cry, I think, "god there is only one of me, how could I eat all that pasta, the box says there is enough to feed 6 to 8 people."

That there is no, "I" in "team," but there is one in "gasoline," two in "victim," three in "indistinct "and four in "no identification." Ahh you get where I'm going.

That I sometimes wonder can I be too handsome, I ask you, can I?

That I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint, I do not feel ashamed,
I'm your hell, I'm your dream, I'm nothing in between. You know you wouldn't want it any other way


blast-ed from the past-ed, email cleanup, PHAHA
Monday, December 12, 2005
  won't get carjacked
Today's bumber sticker:

brought to you by the friendly downtown I-75/I-85 connector in Atlanta
  outside the box
Filed under:

What do most people think when they start dreaming about winning the lottery? That they'll never change, that life will go on as normal, that maybe they'll splurge a little on a new car, but the rest is going into the bank. My wife and I have had the "what if we win the lottery" fantasy talk. Money to charity, pay off the bills, perhaps a new house for family members. Nothing too radical or extreme.

But then you have Whitt.

Whitt seems to spend an inordinate amount of time in his car. And when he does, he thinks of different ways to spend his lottery winnings, if he were to ever win, that is.

The most recent iteration of Whitt's spending spree deals with monster trucks and massive destruction. According to him, if he were to win the lottery, he'll give you a call to say that he's on his way to your house. My advice? Make sure not to be in the house. He plans on running that brand new monster truck straight through your living room.

I wasn't even thinking that big when he first broached the topic. I was thinking more along the lines of just destroying your car. But that's why he's the boss. Big ideas.............really big ideas.

But don't worry, he'll be generous and buy you a new one. After the reign of destruction is over of course. 'Cause once your house is creamed, you'll be hopping in the truck with him, on to the next house.

And if he doesn't buy you a house, you can always live on the compound he's planning on having built. And don't worry about your job.....you'll be employed in his company. Doing what? No one knows yet, but there will definitely be a bar involved.
Filed under:

I was hoping to get some elaboration regarding reasons people drink, possibly turning it into a more in depth post, but alas, apparently anyone who reads this is too drunk to comment. And for those readers that I know personally, don't give me any excuses about turning over a new leaf. I know none of you are on the wagon, none of you have kicked the sauce. My stock in Anheuser-Busch hasn't dropped, so I know you're all still tapping the kegs.

And for those of you who don't want to talk about embarrassing moments that helped you save time, I've got nothing really.......no witticism to critique your lack of comments. I just know that there are some funny stories out there. Any women, in the name of keeping a schedule, had fun with your significant other while on the toilet? I know someone who did. Freaked me out a bit actually. But you won't hear about it here. This is, after all, a family-friendly site.
  One new thought about all new music
Filed under:

this is more to bust balls than it is about my own musical preferences, which are pretty standard (read: lame)
if you really want to learn about music, check out loudspeakers and the ten new thoughts
  From the mind of Phaha: Episode II
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I have been quiet lately, to quiet. Consider that the calm before the storm. The storm of PHaHa!!

and this is what I think:

I think that if mullets can make a come back then the hair style that the lead singer of Kajagoogoo can come back to. (Think early Rod Stewart)

I think that when people say that, in fashion, everything comes back (i.e. bell bottoms, tie dye) they are full of shit. Have you ever seen me in a loin cloth, or petty coat?

That if you are handicapped, park in your own damn spots.

That when people say, "I'm to tired to sleep," punch them in the throat. Are you too hungry to eat, too thirsty to drink, too horny to fuck? I thought not.

That soapy farts smell the worst.

That there are three things I don't do:
1. get worried,
2. Care to listen to a story that I am not in, and
3. Raise the roof.

That when I am in a traffic jam, there better be an accident causing it. What is it with this waiting an hour and getting to the end and all the cars just start to break free and there is no clear cause of why anyone was going slow? Damn it, I better have some carnage as a reward!

That I like the hanky panky stanky.

That it's all meat. Some you suck, some you eat.

That a man is not measured by his deeds, but by a ruler and a steady hand.

That my grandpa, the all knowing Mexican, once said I was too white to be a Mexican so I must be a Mexican't, he then followed that up with a couple of chits.

That the "O" in O-town stands for O'shitty, they're Irish.

That the only dance I do is called, "Push The Floor." 1-2-3-4 get off your ass and push the floor. and the ghetto hootchy mama funkdafied murder booty maxi mix goes like this, eenie meenie miney moe get off your ass and push the flo.

That if you burp me, I'll go down on you like a slurpee.

That I did it all for the nookie, c'mon, the nookie, c'mon, so you can take that cookie and stick it up your, yeah! stick it up your, yeah! stick it up your, yeah! stick it up your.

That I heard your a turd, and I think you stink.


blast-ed from the past-ed, email cleanup, PHAHA
Sunday, December 11, 2005
  From the mind of Phaha: Episode I
Filed under:

What could I say That has not been said before?
What could I say that will not offend the pallets of the delicate masses?
What could I offer that could be possibly construed as new or uplifting?
Well, nothing really, you all know me, I am an ass, I am mean, I say the wrong thing, I only think about myself, I hurt peoples feelings, I am loud and obnoxious.
So why break away from what works? This is, after all, My world and this is what I think.

I think that if your pants are to tight you will fishtail when you walk.

That I can't believe it's not butter.

That you can always spot the gay dog by the neckerchief he wears.

That I heard you're a turd.

That in a group of sixty people in line waiting, I will be next to the person with gas, and get blamed.

That I thought I was abducted once, turns out it was my exocentric proctologist doing house calls.

That if a man is measured by his good deeds, I am 8 inches.

That the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow is just a bronzed chronic leaf.

That if I were Muslim my name would be MaFukare, or Haznt bin layd.

That, to women, men are like snow storms.
They never now how long one will last, or when the next one will come along, and most importantly how many inches they'll bring.

That this one time my grandfather said, "Pet yu fatty pis of chit, yu want to know how yu can tell when yu in luv? yu take dis girl out for a long walk, don't look at me like dat. I don't mean like exercise or nuttin'. Anyway go on a long walk, work up big hunger, easy for yu, I mean work up her hunger. Den cook big meal, play some Jon Seccada, say a lil prayer, and let her see yu eat, if she no run den yu in luv. Yu porker, yu the other white meat.

That Pee-wee's big adventure was a lot more entertaining than big top Pee-wee.

That some good porn names that are not used are, Dick eatin, Hairy Carry, E. Normus, Tom Thumb, and David Da shuvme.

That my blood type is ragu.

That I believe I can fly, I believe I can touch the sky, I believe the children are our future teach them well and let them lead the way show them all the beauty they possess inside.


blast-ed from the past-ed, email cleanup, PHAHA
Saturday, December 10, 2005
  Somehow, I already knew this
Filed under:

You taste like beer. You're hoppy and a bit
bitter... but we aren't with you for the taste,
are we? No, we are with you because of your
intoxicating effect and the confidence you give
us. We put up with your poor taste because you
get us laid.

How do you taste?
brought to you by Quizilla
Thursday, December 08, 2005
  Double O'Mellan
Filed under:

This message comes to you under the most secretive manner, and must be regarded with the utmost importance.

I remember back when we were both training at the Young Organization for Academic Spy Specialties. Yes, not a day goes by that I don't think of Y.O. A.S.S.

Remember how you said that I could never get in? Well I proved you wrong, I got into Y.O. A.S.S.
And when I got there I was scared I would not be able to measure up to the men who came before me.
Y.O. A.S.S. has seen many a great man and I was afraid I could not rise to the task at hand.
I was even going to, Oh god this sends a chill down my back every time I think about it, I was even going to pull out of Y.O. A.S.S. and you wouldn't let me.
You said that I should embrace Y.O. A.S.S. and never let go.
You challenged me to always come on time, and I did.
I came, and I came, and I came, you could say I am still coming, I am the head master of Y.O. A.S.S. now.

Anyway, lets dispense with the pleasantries.
I am sending you this high priority message because we have a new assignment for you. This supercedes all other missions you may be on.
I heard of your work at the prison, The Green Smile, good job.
This will, however, be more difficult.
You may have heard of the rash of Anthrax letters that have been sent out recently, well this has nothing to do with that.
What you are about to read is as appalling as it is devious.
The group known as Dedicated individuals Conditioned to Kill have raised their ugly heads.
That's right, my friend, D.I.C.K. is back and they want Y.O. A.S.S.

Reliable sources have said that D.I.C.K. is planning something big.
We must not let D.I.C.K. enter Y.O. A.S.S. at any cost. the price would be to high. That's why we need you.
If D.I.C.K. were to, somehow, covertly insert itself into Y.O. A.S.S., we would never know.
Your mission, If you choose to acccept it, is to keep D.I.C.K. out.

You won't be alone, you are allowed to choose up to three members for your team.
May I suggest some muscle, like that of ICE TREY, his lack of intercourse with thin women has given this man superhuman strength.
The SHEPPARD, her power to forget things will come in handy if she is caught and interrogated.
The PAINTER, she has the power to set the most complex fires and come out as innocent looking as the victims she sets ablaze.
RINTIN DINDA, the man-beast, he has the power to attract and control any dog.
Choose your team wisely, my friend, because your arch nemesis, C-Sharpe, is the new head of D.I.C.K.

We all thought him to be dead, but he has secretly been gathering an army under his new name C.L. Whitey.
I am not going to lie to you, but his henchmen are as bad as they come.
First, there is the trio of evil that has been running amuck for some time now.
Their mission is to send women into a type of labia limbo, making them never want sex again.
The trio consists of QUICK WITT, SWIFT THRIFT, and The JOHN, a man no one notices because of his silence.
Other members include 3T, also known as The Three Towers. All three women are believed to be part of a tribe of amazons that eat men.
Don't sleep with any one of them, no matter how much they may beg, because the other two will show up and critique your performance.

C.L. Whitey is now dressing like a black Colonel Sanders and has not been seen without his new, and most sinister sidekick, The WOOD.
The WOOD was once a stunt man for the likes of Gary Coleman, Emanuel Lewis, and that guy who stole Mr. Carey's wife away in "ME, Myself and Irene".
He underwent some personal problems one night, as he was getting his evening's running start to jump into bed, when the T.V. played the first ever Buddy Lee commercial.
That sent him into a tail spin, and he has been C.L. Whitey's right hand man ever since.
I hope this is enough information to start with, you will meet your team at old McConnell's.
You know him, he had a farm.
Your contact's name is DIRTY.
A low level agent, usually just a fluffer.
Your pass phrase answer is, "Underwear."
His pass phrase question is, "What were you eating under there?"
As always, if you, or any member of your team, is caught or killed, we will act as if you were a rouge team operating alone.

Good luck, God speed, and many kills.

Your friend, Papa Halo Alpha Halo Alpha

This message will delete itself in 5 seconds.

A blast from the past, found while cleaning up email, from Phaha
  Last minute gift idea
Filed under:

Just in time for the holiday season.......The Ann Coulter Fantasy Mouse Pad

for all you conservative/perv type folks out there
  We can all float on
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much more than just Modest Mouse song lyrics

check out the video, it's as close as you're gonna get if you haven't already been bent over for admittance to The World's Largest Aquarium
  Top five
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Call them bum wines, street wines, fortified wines, wino wines, or twist-cap wines.

It's absolutely amazing what is out on this fine invention we refer to as the "internet". The best part about BUMWINE.COM are the rankings, which compare "worste taste", "getting wasted", and "warmth". Strange that cost is never factored in. Especially if these are drinks known to be favored by bums. It's not like bums have a lot of money to be discerning in their alcohol choices. Much the same with college students. There isn't a wine listed on BUMWINE.COM that I have not sampled at some point in my illustrious career, all in the name of research. Yeah, that's it, research. Researching how to appropriate alcoholic beverages while under the legal drinking age. Researching tolerance levels. And sometimes, not even needing a reason. Even Better is that now "Boone's Farm" wine is listed, not so much as a "bum wine", moreso "underage girl" wine. This was a staple for a majority of college girls. The wussy ones. The types of chicks that I hung out with in college, continue to hang out with, and even married weren't wussified like that. They'll throw back beer with you all night long and challenge you to a game of flippy cup. Of course, if you try to offer tham a nice cup of MD 20/20, prepare to get your ass handed to you.

"Bum wine" appeals to me on a level outside of nostalgia, and that's due to the fact that I'm not a beer snob. I enjoy the hops infused equivilant of "bum wine", malt liqour. A little Colt 45, Schlitz, Olde English. Bigger bottles and a higher alcohol content. What could possibly go wrong?
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
  Little Differences
Filed under:

Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00
But you know the job was done right !!

As submitted by KRH

  10 reasons to drink during the holidays
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As listed on MSNBC
• You can tolerate your in-laws

• Beer goggles -- who said the holidays have to be lonely?

• Why eat your calories when you can drink them?

• You give the best gift...alcohol

• New Year's resolutions seem attainable when you're drunk

• You love everyone...and everyone loves you

• Be the funny guy at the party

• Drinking in winter means staying warm...or at least feeling like you are

• You bring spirit to the occasion, literally

• The holidays go by much quicker

If you really need to find a reason, you could always check out SotallyTober, they'll give ya a couple of random reasons for each day.

Of course, the only reason I need to throw back a few frosty cold ones is to wash down the bottle of sleeping pills.

Got a better reason? Let me know.
  Time Management
Sparked from a conversation I had last evening……….have you ever combined more than one activity for the sake of sticking to a schedule, things that normally wouldn’t be done at the same time?

We see it every day on the streets, women applying makeup while driving. I’ve even seen a woman with a curling iron, curling her hair while changing lanes.

Men shaving while driving

Holding a telephone conversation while on the toilet

Peeing in the shower

The list can go on and on.

I’ve attempted to shave my face and brush my teeth at the same time, and let’s just say that the results were less than stellar.

Anybody got anything to add?
Monday, December 05, 2005
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The Largest Aquarium in the World!
over 8 million gallons of fresh and marine water, 100,000 animals representing 500 species from around the globe and over 505,000 sq. ft of total space
whale sharks and beluga whales being the main draw
It was a pretty amazing spectacle. My thanks go out to Cain and Kari for the invite. I probably would not have ventured out that way without their generousity.

I know that Junior had an absolute blast. Even he was mesmerized with the second largest picture window in an aquarium. Just sitting there, wide-eyed, watching all the big fish swim on by.
He wasn't too interested in the interactive parts where you get an opportunity to touch things like horseshoe crabs, shrimp, starfish, etc.
My personal favorite? The spider crab:
Ya know that these things can get as big as a car? Now imagine just swimmin' along, minding your own, when you brush up along one of those. Pretty freakin' creepy. But imagine how much crab meat you could get out of one of the "big as a car" ones. That equals one big-ass crab cake if you ask me.
As with any "tourist attraction", the "cafe" within the giant fish bowl is a HUGE rip-off. Where else can you get a side of fries, 4 cokes, and a miniture pizza and not get change from a $20? But that form of price gouging is nothing compared to the parking situation. We paid $10 for the parking deck across the street. The Georgia Aquarium website states that parking is $8. We were already jacked for 2 bucks. But as we were leaving we noticed signs that offered parking for $20. Good thing we got there early.

All in all, an awesome experience. I can only imagine what this is doing for the Chattanooga Aquarium, only about 2 and a half hours up the road. Who wants to go to Tennessee when you can endure 2 more hours in the car to visit the WORLD'S LARGEST AQUARIUM??? I mean, I've heard the fish bowl in Chattanooga was nice, but how can it compare to the WORLD'S LARGEST AQUARIUM??? I can almost hear the economy of that Tennessee town crumbling.
  Common ground
Just a few ideas regarding crime and punishment that I happen to agree with. If I expound upon any of these ideas, I'll let you know.
Public Executions
Branding (alternative punishment)
Pain and Suffering
Friday, December 02, 2005
  In a former life
I just found it to be amazing. Could be due to a part of me in a former life that was only marginally as skilled. My biggest question is: how can he not be dizzy all the time? I am stupefied at this guy's placement. He always knows where he's at, no matter what direction he's spinning, flipping, or moving. Just plain cool.

with pic click poppin' goodness
(just click on the pic, momo)
  The future is here
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You know how cell phones just keep getting smaller and smaller?

Well this is just plain ridiculous!

I still think it would be cooler, albeit smellier, if we went in the direction of "Get Smart".

Besides, didn't Dick Tracy have the corner on the wrist-watch-as-phone genre?
  Dancing fool

The best part about this is the fact that I know someone who looks like this, and then we forcefully request that he dance in such a manner. This normally doesn't happen until he's downed at least one 40.
  Arts and Crafts
Mommy had a brilliant idea when she saw the "build your own gingerbread house" kits at the store. Of course, construction is made a bit more difficult when your foreman keeps eating the materials.

Thursday, December 01, 2005
  A message from Ponch

Click on the picture, momo~!
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Location: Salisbury, North Carolina, United States

Kevin O'Mellan (Whittington Appraisals): Appraiser in Salisbury, Rowan County, North Carolina

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