Random & Incoherent
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
  Daily Chuck
The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.
  Party Hats
OK, let's see. Checklist for this Sunday's Super Bowl game: Chips. Check. Beverages. Check. Pot of chili. Check. Fun party hat.

What? You don't have a fun party hat?

Well, buddy, Stan is the man who can fix you right up.

If I could put the beer down long enough to thinnk straight, I might could come up with something similar. But I don't think that a cardboard speedo would work out too well, regardless of what logo was on it.

Another gem from the The Post
  Yet another reason...
...to have left Atlanta, and Corporate America for that matter:

Boss: It's not like I was banging her in the supply closet.

Bigger boss: But you did bang her in the supply closet and in your office... And, for that matter, my fucking office, you asshole.

Boss: Yeah, but those were different occasions.

Alpharetta, Georgia

As seen at Overheard in the Office
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
  Daily Chuck
Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.
  A trip to Lowes
Originally went to get a haircut, but the place was packed. Thought we would do some shopping in Lowes instead. And no, I did not put the hardhat on him. He came up with that look all on his own.

Monday, January 29, 2007
  Daily Chuck
Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
  How to pee politely
The teacher asked:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter? How would you say it?"

Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better", the teacher said, "but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."

"And you, Richard, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

Richard responded to this inquiry, "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

The teacher fainted.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
  Daily Chuck
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
We all know that it stands for Fixed Or Repaird Daily

and while not quite to the daily extreme, it was definitely time to have the rear brake rotor and pads replaced in my trusty vehicle.

My origianl plan was to have had the parts on hand for my latest trip to Atlanta, and have my trusted mechanic Sean Shuffler take care of it for me. After all, he was the one that helped me out a few years ago with the front rotor and pads.

Well, timing and scheduling conflicts did not agree with either of us that weekend and I was not able to have the work done for me.

Not until this weekend. Armed only with the necessary parts, a random collection of tools, the ever-lovin' internet, and a stoked-in-fire determination, I set forth to do the work myself.

Only took me 3 hours.

Saved me $150 give or take.

And now I know how to do it for future reference.

Gotta love a learning experience.

The best part is that I won't be putting as many miles on the car now. El Jefe's confidence in my mechanical skills have caused him to make the statement that he won't be riding in the truck anytime soon, and that if we have to go anywhere, he'll be driving his Toyota.

Now once the job was complete, you couldn't fit my ego into a 26-foot moving truck. I basically came home and dared my wife to break something. Instead, she opted for her brake pads to be replaced. 2 cars, 2 brake jobs, one Saturday.

And then I drank a case of cheap American beer.

I am mechanic, hear me roar.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
  Daily Chuck
Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
  NBA or NFL
have been accused of spousal abuse

have been arrested for fraud

have b een accused of writing bad checks

have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

have done time for assault

cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

have been arrested on drug-related charges

have been arrested for shoplifting

are defendants in lawsuits, and

have been arrested for drunk driving
the last year

you guess which organization this is?

up yet?

it's the 535 members of the United
same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year
designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007
  ATT vs Bellsouth
This is a great explanation of the Bellsouth/ATT merger.

It's also very funny to me considering my past employment history with the company.

  Daily Chuck
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
  Penis Exposure
So, El Jefe and I drove down to Atlanta this past weekend to do some touch-up work on the house so it will hopefully be more marketable.

We painted a couple of rooms and a few random walls in bathrooms, a bit of touch up paint here and there. Cleaned the bathrooms, replaced light bulbs, cleaned the oven and fridge, had the carpets steam-cleaned....that sort of thing.

I had made sure to include in my overnight bag a pair of pants that were already a bit paint splattered, so as not to ruin another pair.

Jefe brought his "work pants" as well. A ratty,torn, beat-up, paint covered pair of jeans that he's been holding onto through the remodeling of his house in NC.

These jeans are torn on one leg from the knee to the ankle, and on the other leg, it's more of a gaping hole than it is a "tear".

Jefe made a run to the local supermarket to pick up some cleaning supplies and obviously received quite a bit of weird looks from the other patrons. One woman went so far as to question him being out in public in the atrocity that was his pants.

He simply smiled at her and informed her that he was in a band that was performing later on in the evening and he was at the store to pick up supplies. When questioned further about the name of the band, he simply replied "Penis Exposure".

And that's part one of the weekend regarding how to make friends and influence people.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
  Daily Chuck
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
  Why, Why, Why
As a child who used to start every question with "why", I find this next list very entertaining. And so did my mother, which is why she sent it to me.

1. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going dead?

2. Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

3. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

4. Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

5. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

6. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

7. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

8. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

9. Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

10. If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

11. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

12. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

13. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

14. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

15. Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you try first?

16. How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

17. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

18. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

19. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in
summer when we complained about the heat?

20. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
Saturday, January 20, 2007
  Daily Chuck
There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
  Watch your fonts
Epica Awards

How do you reach lots of agency creatives when you've got a tiny budget? Put your message on something they stare at all day long: the wall. This makeover of the traditional 'studio pin-up' calendar not only demonstrated Taylor Lane's expertise in typography, it also acted as a perpetual reminder of them throughout 2005 while refreshing itself every month. It was controversial; it provoked comment and created a 25% increase in turnover from existing and new clients.

This amazing concept brought to my attention by Raj
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
  Daily Chuck
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
  Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls:While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-girlfriends/boyfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3 pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3 pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
  Daily Chuck
Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
I've never owned a vehicle that underwent a factory recall before. And technically, I still don't.

I received a notice from Daimler-Chrysler stating that there was an emissions recall for the 1997 Dodge Dakota truck that I had owned.

It's amazing how these people can track you down. First of all the truck was in my mother's name. Second, I bought the thing 3 address changes and 2 states ago.

I was unaware that Dick Tracy was in the employ of Daimler-Chrysler.

Outside of the fact that I no longer own the vehicle that is being recalled, the only thing that pisses me off about it (or would piss me off if I still owned the truck) is the fact that the recall is for the catalytic converter.

Why would that bother me?

Only due to the fact that I had to have the catalytic converter replaced approximately 4 years ago.

I'm curious if they would have retro-actively paid me for having already replaced a part that was on a recall list, or if the statute of limitations would have already run out.
  New Corporate Motto

Thanks goes to cousin Adam
Monday, January 15, 2007
  Daily Chuck
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
  Reason #53 why I don't go to church
Assualt with a deadly weapon

OK, so it wasn't really a deadly weapon, but my sister did smack a fellow parishoner in the head with the offering plate this past Sunday. And I don't mean "lightly brushed up against him" either, I mean full-on, two-handed-arcing-swing, I want you to see stars kind of smack-down.

It was probably the most entertaining moment in the church's history. But I'm guessing it wasn't all that entertaining for the guy that got hit.

And if you were to ask my sister, she'll tell you it was an accident. But I'm pretty sure she's been harboring a grudge.

Joyful giving? Not on her watch.
  What Happens When You Take Sex Ed in North Carolina
Girl #1: Oh, man! So, for Christmas my dad is letting me get my cartilidge pierced! I'm so excited!

Girl #2: Oh, man, that's so cool! I want to get mine done, too.

Girl #1: Yeah, I'll only ever get my ears pierced. Everything else is so gross and weird.

Girl #3: Yeah, well, I have my clit pierced -- do you think that's weird?

Girl #2: What's a clit?

--Nags Head, North Carolina

From: Overheard at the Beach
Sunday, January 14, 2007
  Daily Chuck
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
  Let the healing begin
I don't have a true "before" shot of what her head looked like prior to getting smacked with a hammock stand (I keep telling her she needs to come up with a better story to tell the inquisitive).

What I do have is the original shot of her head after returning from urgent care.

and the shot of how well it's healing 3 weeks later

I think it's looking pretty good. As good as a scar can look anyway.

I think she needs to come up with a really good bar brawl story. It would be very amusing to tell at church functions.
Saturday, January 13, 2007
  Daily Chuck
Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
  Hey ya'll, watch this!
This video was in an email that my mother sent to me.

Having seen the video, I know how to correct for the error, just use a longer stick!

You set the back yard on fire one time, and you're always remembered as the "pyro". Of course, I'm not even going to talk about the kitchen, or any other rooms in the house that have had fire damage.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
  Lakia, Lakia, Lakia
Teenager charged with assualting police officer at North Rowan High School

Antother gem from The Post

The girl was 19. And in high school. Did I mention that she was 19? That should raise a red flag right there.

She was charged Monday with "creating a ruckus at the school and assualting a police officer".

A ruckus?

I was unaware that this was a chargeable offense.

1. a noisy commotion; fracas; rumpus
2. a heated controversy

n. A disturbance; a commotion


the act of making a noisy disturbance [syn: commotion]

Based on the definition from Dictionary.com, hundreds of people should be arrested on a daily basis. Of course, I'm willing to bet that those same hundreds of people aren't also kicking police officers in the back in the middle of the ruckus.
  Daily Chuck
Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.
  Carson Girls Fall to Trojans

This actually has nothing to do with condoms or sex, but the headline was a bit of an innuendo.
Yet another from The Post.
Girls basketball, if you cared.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
  He did what??
This week my wife is out of town on a business related venture, leaving me as the sole car-giver to our son. This isn't a big deal, but it's always easier when there's two of us. Kind of like a tag-team wrestling match. When one's had their fill they can tag out and let the other take over. I like to think that we do a pretty good job as tag-team parents, even if my wife will tell you that she's in the ring much more than I am.

The weekend is coming up and my folks want us to come into town so that they can see their grandson. My son wants to go to see his grandparents. This is knowledge I can try and use to my advantage.

I have been holding this out of state venture over his head since before my wife left. I'm trying to use it to curtail certain behavior and promote the "good boy" effect. And it was working. At least for Monday and Tuesday. But when I get to daycare at the end of the day to pick him up, I find out he got reprimanded for "spitting at a child at playtime".


He did what?!?


Yes, spitting. And of course, there's no explanation as to why he would choose spitting.

I spent the whole ride home verballing reprimanding the boy and took away any afternoon priveleges he normally has.

Let me tell you, it's not as easy for me to explain why he shouldn't do the things that he does without using profanity. And that makes me sound like a raving lunatic if you were to have overheard our conversation in the car this afternoon.

And for the record, his "afternoon went well". Guess that means his mouth dried up and he couldn't produce any more spit.

2 more days to go til the weekend.
  Daily Chuck
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
I'm not a big news fan. Doesn't particularly matter what format it's in, newspaper, television, or internet. Typically it's either bad news, or mundane stories that you mostly don't care about. Or the knowledge base necessary to understand what's being discussed is over my head. Or it's political. I prefer to get my news in an entertaining fashion and have looked to Fark.com for just such a delivery. This is the same source that the majority of morning radio shows use, but without giving proper credit.

I used to say that the reason I didn't watch the news when I was in Atlanta was due to the fact that it was all bad news and violence, nothing uplifting or entertaining. But then again, I guess it's not the up to the news casters and reporters to do that for us.

I didn't read the Atlanta-Journal Constitution for the same reason. That and the fact that the daily paper was about as thick as a phone book.

Why am I telling you this? Cause nobody else wants to hear me babble on about newspapers.

And the fact that one of my Christmas gifts was a subscription to my new local newspaper, The Salisbury Post.

It's always more fun living in a smaller city. Most of the news stories are from bigger metropolitan areas, so are pretty much irrelevant, or they focus on local stories like the guy who found the hospital bill from the day he was born (a grand total of $64.50) and daddy's driver's license in a box in his attic. I ask you, why is this news? Although, I guess it's better than hearing about the inmates that are learning needlepoint and giving away scarves and blankets to the VA hospital.

It's possible, due to my lack of a point of reference, that this is just how newspapers are filled. And every now and again you do come across a jewel.

Page 2B of Monday's paper:
Couple charged with razor, chair assaults

Now if that doesn't knock the wind out of you with attention-catching goodness, you just aren't alive.

I think my favorite part about this story is that they list the couple by name, age, and address. So, if you happen to be in the neighborhood, you can feel free to mock them and throw rotten fruit at their door.

They were each charged with "assualt with a deadly weapon". Now, I was aware that a straight razor could be a deadly weapon, but I've never heard of a chair being referred to as a weapon at all. Sure you see them swung in anger in bar fights in the movies, but I didn't know anyone actually did that.

What happened here? Well, Yolanda was coming at me with the straight razor, so I heaved the La-Z-Boy at her. Knocked her out cold.

I'm beginning to think that The Post just rounds up all the retirees in the area and puts them in front of a typewriter and prints whatever delusions they type out. At least that's the way it looks from the staff photos they include with the stories.

I could go on, but I think if you've read this far, you don't want to be punished by hearing about the potty training procedures of the grandmother and her grandduaghter, or of how the simple things (paying bills and getting your car inspected) in life get to be more difficult as you grow older.

I'll just have to see if any whirlwind stories pop up and keep you posted.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
  Daily Chuck
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
  Quite a view

This was the view from the rear of a house I was sent to appraise today. In case you can't make it out, it's a cow field. Complete with cows. How'd you like to wake up and see that over your morning coffee?
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Location: Salisbury, North Carolina, United States

Kevin O'Mellan (Whittington Appraisals): Appraiser in Salisbury, Rowan County, North Carolina

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