Random & Incoherent
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
  give til it hurts
As a card carrying donor for the American Red Cross, I whole heartedly support their efforts in aiding victims of the recent hurricane/tornado/flooding crises. I just donated platelets last week. What about you?

If you'd like to make a monetary donation to the Red Cross click here: Red Cross Donation page

Or you could call 1-800-GIVE-LIFE (1-800-448-3543) to find a blood donation site near you.

Or visit www.givelife.org
  When you forget your work ID

I only wish that the security at the building I work in would do such a thing. As it is right now, you just need someone else that works here to sign you in. Not very effective.
  Why? just why?

I had turned my back on the boy for all of about 5 minutes. The next thing I know, he's removed his shoes and socks and determined that it would be a good idea to slip his hands into those stink rags his feet create from sweating all day. The funniest part about it is the fact that his socks go almost all the way up to his shoulders. Remember the show "Kids say the darndest things"? Well, they also do they darndest things. I'd be willing to bet that if children weren't so damned entertaining, no one would want to deal with any of the rest of so-called "parenting".
  Care for a nice cold one?

A looter carries a bucket of beer out of a grocery store in New Orleans on Tuesday, Aug. 30, 2005, as floodwaters continue to rise in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina made landfall on Monday. (AP Photo/Dave Martin)

Now I'm not sure how many of you are aware of the fact that during a "state of emergency" alcohol sales are suspended.

If this man gets arrested it will be a travesty worthy of a new membership in Amnesty International for me.

No need to loot for T.V.'s, VCR's, or other such non-essential type things. I stand 100% behind the beer looter however. In this time of devastation, those stuck in the middle of it deserve the ability to tie one on, proper like. Now, I'm not a big fan of Heineken, but to each his own. At least it wasn't a bucket full of malt liquor, that would only perpetuate a stereotype.
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
  Architecture 101
a house with a built-in lap dancer's pole

The shiny steel pole runs from the lounge right through the ceiling to the bedroom above, with a circular section of glass ceiling separating the two rooms.

On top of that the house includes a giant "party" bath inside and a large hot tub bath on the deck outside for even more relaxing moments.

Since this guy's from across the pond, I think I'll need to find a like-minded individual who would be willing to transform my humble abode in such a fashion.

Watch out Hef, here comes mellanman.
  English MotherF*cker! Do You Speak It!?!?

Your Linguistic Profile:

80% General American English

10% Dixie

10% Yankee

0% Midwestern

0% Upper Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

So what this means to me is that I happen to speak very well. With over 80 percent of my spoken language fitting into general terms that everyone should be able to recognize.

The remaining 20 percent, a well balanced mix between my upbringing in the northeast and my formative years in the southeast, a beautiful mix of colloquialisms, dialects, and regional differences.

Dontcha know?
  Hurricane Katrina
Ironic (but only if you use Alannis Morrisette's definition)

I didn't suffer a loss of life or limb or even possession


years ago I had a girlfriend with the same name

and I did lose self-esteem, self respect, and a sense of self worth

but I never did lose my mojo
  Top Ten Pickup lines for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day: Monday, September 19, 2005
10 . Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?

9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?

8. Come on up and see me urchins.

7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.

6. I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.

5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if fired me cannon through your porthole?

4. How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?

3. Ya know, darlin’, I’m 97 percent chum free.

2. Well blow me down?

And the number one pickup line for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day is …

1. Prepare to be boarded.

My pirate name is:

Bloody Davy Vane

Every pirate lives for something different. For some, it's the open sea. For others (the masochists), it's the food. For you, it's definitely the fighting. You tend to blend into the background occaisionally, but that's okay, because it's much easier to sneak up on people and disembowel them that way. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from fidius.org.

In t' spirit o' t' upcomin' "Talk Like A Pirate Day" I found it helpful t' check out t' followin' website. It's already helped me t' determine what me pirate name is, and has provided me with a few new pillagin' ideas. It will be tough tryyin' t' wait until t' actual day, but once it's here, I'm all pirate, yeah.
Monday, August 29, 2005
Living in a high traffic area such as Atlanta, you will invariably encounter an inconsiderate driver. Someone that weaves in and out of traffic, rides their brakes, fails to signal before turning or changing lanes. Not that this phenomenon is specific to Atlanta, you just happen to see more of it due to sheer volume.

And it would take little more than a simple gesture to alleviate the possible road rage that this type of behavior can manifest.

The problem only gets worse if something as simple as a courtesy wave is ignored. If I'm dealing with harrowing experience of rush hour and get cut off, or in a gesture of good will, leave enough space to let you over into my lane, and I don't receive the little wave of apology/thanks, then I make it a point not to let anyone else into my lane for the remainder of my travels that day. This option forces me to tailgate the vehicle in front of me, which we all know is an unsafe driving practice.

So those of you who fail to recognize the benevolence of the driver that gave you a little extra space to traverse the lanes of the interstate highway, heed my warning. This only makes me drive a bit more unsafe. Endangering not only my life, but those of the passengers/drivers in the cars around me. I now become the asshole.

However, some times the gesture of good will can be misinterpreted. Case in point: years ago (high school I believe) I was a passenger with a buddy of mine. I'm sure that my buddy was in the wrong and probably cut off a fellow driver, but the impetus of a youth who just recently received his license cannot be ignored and is hard to convince otherwise. For whatever reason, the other driver felt as if he had been wronged. My buddy realizing he had made a mistake, offered up the courtesy wave in apology. The problem was, the other driver claims that what he received was just a one finger salute as we hotrodded our way away. How do I know that this is what the other driver was thinking? Well, he followed us to our destination, confronting my buddy and raising quite a stink about it. Now this was before the time that the term "road rage" had become popular, so what we were dealing with was just a pissed off older guy who thought he had been affronted with the middle finger of doom.

All I'm saying is try to be nice to the other people on the road. You know the saying "do unto others......." blah, blah, blah. Besides if you do, it'll keep me from appearing in your rear view mirror, trying to climb into your car through it's tailpipe.
  feel the burn
In an effort to thin the unattractive thatches of hair from my chest (keep in mind, it's not Tom Selleck-esque, but rather patchy and scraggly) I made a slight timing error.

And I'm not sure if it's simple vanity that made these thoughts run through my head. It's not as if I'm trying to attract a mate. If I was, I think my wife would be a bit upset with that reasoning. I wouldn't necessarily consider myself part of the metrosexual craze, although I am concerned with presenting a pleasant appearance.

Originally, I had the debate with myself as to how to properly go about this process. Should I use shaving cream and a razor? Perhaps electric clippers. But what's this? A product specifically for men? That's right, Nair for Men. I figured that since I didn't want to run any type of blade over the length of my torso, and since the motor on my beard trimmer seems to be failing, I thought "why not give it a try?"

Now, if you read the directions, which I did, you are instructed to leave the product on the applied area for approximately 4 minutes. Well, once I had applied the product, what was I to do to occupy those 4 minutes? As it turned out, I was also in need of a good facial shaving. So I started the hot water running and applied the shaving cream and started the ritual that every man knows.

The problem is that apparently it takes me longer than 4 minutes to shave my face. And as is explicitly written in the directions for Nair "DO NOT EXCEED 10 MINUTES"! The resulting discomfort definitely outweighs any ease of use. I'm fairly certain that what I experienced was a chemical burn over the majority of my torso. Now for those that don't know, this would be akin to a sunburn. Except that it takes hours in the sun to accomplish the same amount of skin peeling fun that I brought against myself in approximately 15 minutes. Yes, my chest may be smooth as a newborn's freshly wiped butt, however, what good is that if it can't be touched? If even the softest of cotton t-shirts irritates your now extremely sensitive skin?

The product works, but heed their warning! DO NOT EXCEED 10 MINUTES

Now, I'm off to see what all the fuss is about getting a manicure.
Friday, August 26, 2005
  the good, the bad, and the ugly
Let's go ahead and get this out of the way, this post will, in as unoffensively as possible, deal with defecation. This shouldn't be a shock to people, after all, everybody poops. Now on a personal level, I would consider myself somewhat regular. Hitting the porcelain once a day. I say mostly regular due to the time frame during the day that doesn't seem to be consistent from day to day.
Yesterday is when regularity turned to irregularity, and I'm not speaking of constipation. Had a morning constitutional, and I figured that was it for the day. But a few hours later, it was once again time to heed the call of nature. And then it was time for lunch.
Feeling pretty good and getting to the end of the work day, those old familiar rumblings started up again, and I knew that there was no way I would be able to wait until I had made the commute back home. So off we go again, but this time, in an effort to preserve what little humility was left, I decided to travel to a different floor and utilize someone else's facilities.
Sometimes when you take care of business, it can be referred to as a spiritual experience. This day was no different, it was just differing in levels of spirituality from one trip to the next.
To break it down:
The first trip would have equated to going to church on Sunday.
The second trip would be akin to visiting The Vatican.
And the third trip would have meant meeting The Almighty himself.
Talk about a stressful day. All this internal (and external) activity, plus a full day of work. I felt like I needed to go home and take a nap.

Anyway, I'm sure that this was much more than anyone ever wanted to know, but I felt like sharing and there's nothing you can do about it.
Thursday, August 25, 2005
  Worst album covers...ever
In an effort to capture classically bad album covers for posterity, The Sun has compiled a bit of a slideshow showcasing these gems of the music world.

My personal favorite is:

This is partially due to the fact that my father's name is Ken, but also due to memories of photographs lining the hallway in the family house where I just know he was wearing the same suit as is seen in the picture above. And I'm pretty sure that at point of the late '70's, I was sporting a very similar haircut.

Good times, good times. (it's difficult to interpret written sarcasm sometimes)
The '70's sucked as far as fashion goes.
  GOP, Dems argue over beer money
South Carolina Republicans say the Democrats owe them beer money.
Democrats say the check is in the mail.

In April, Anheuser-Busch Co. -- based in St. Louis, Missouri -- wrote a $5,000 check intended for the state Republican Party.

I wouldn't expect anything less from my adopted home state.

I guess, like my buddy Whitt who just recently received a check from Anheuser-Busch for some skunk beer he bought, the GOP should've let their fingers do the walking and dialed 1-800-DIAL-BUD.

link to story stolen from eviltyrant.com
  Minor Earthquake Reported In Western N.C.
Earthquake strikes NC - Tennessee border. Causes tens of dollars in damage, dozens of dogs feared dead in porch collapse

HOT SPRINGS, N.C. -- Some residents in western North Carolina got a surprising jolt late Wednesday night.

I expect to read about the Appalachian Emergency Room and their grand efforts any minute.
  capital punishment
What do you do when the government tries to outlaw a parent's right to smack the crap out of their kid?

Well, if you're a christian school in New Zealand, you send out a pamphlet to the parents showing them how to properly smack their kids.

Carey College gave guidelines to parents outlining how to smack their children on the buttocks with their hand or a rod in what it calls an expression of love - responsible parenting in the child's best interests.

Read about it here!

Between the principal of this school (beat your kids) and Pat Robertson (assassinate Chavez), the Christians that are in the public eye are doing wonders for their cause. Really reeks of peace and love, doesn't it?
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
  New shoes
I'm thinking of getting a new pair of shoes for the wife. It would definitely cut down on "search time" once the bottle was in my hand.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
  not sure
if I know someone in Colorado, or if someone in Colorado knows me

or if it's a friend of a friend type of thing

the whole thing has me a bit boggled

I've only ever been to Colorado once, and I was much younger and that was for Olympic Training Camp. Sadly most of my memories do not extend that far back in my childhood.
Monday, August 22, 2005
Fat Guy Shirts...
"Where it's nice to be fat"

with such gems as:

"I dare you to picture me naked"


"Who needs women when I have boobs like these?"

Fat guy shirts for fat guys....check it out
  Thank you VETS
Regardless of your political views, this certainly
gives us all food for thought. Sen.
Glenn was so quick on his feet. When you speak
from the heart and with passion, you never know what
comes out.

Things that make you think a little.......
1. There were 39 combat related killings in Iraq

during the month of January.....In the fair city of
Detroit there were 35 murders in the month of
January. That's just one American City, about as
deadly as the entire war torn country of Iraq.

2. When some claim President Bush shouldn't have

started this war, state the following .

FDR...led us into World War II. Germany never
attacked us: Japan did. From 1941-1945, 450,000
lives were lost, an average of 112,500 per year.

Truman...finished that war and started one in
Korea. North Korea never attacked us. From 1950-1953,
55,000 lives were lost, an average of 18,334 per year.

John F. Kennedy....started the Vietnam conflict in
1962. Vietnam never attacked us. Johnson...turned
Vietnam into a quagmire. From 1965-1975, 58,000
lives were lost, an average of 5,800 per year.

Clinton...went to war in Bosnia without UN or
French consent, Bosnia never attacked us. He was
offered Osama bin Laden's head on a platter three
times by Sudan and did nothing Osama has attacked
us on multiple occasions.

3. In the two years since terrorists attacked us

President Bush has liberated two countries, crushed
the Taliban, crippled al-Qaida, put nuclear
inspectors in Libya, Iran and North Korea without
firing a shot, and captured a terrorist who
slaughtered 300,000 of his own people.

The Democrats are complaining about how long the war
is taking, but...It took less time to take Iraq
than it took Janet Reno to take the Branch Davidian
compound. That was a 51-day operation.

We've been looking for evidence of chemical weapons
in Iraq for less time than it took Hillary Clinton
to find the Rose Law Firm billing records.

It took less time for the 3rd Infantry Division and the Marines to
destroy the Medina Republican Guard than it took Ted Kennedy to call the
police after his Oldsmobile sank at Chappaquiddick killing a woman.

Wait, there's more......................

Some people still don't understand why military
personnel do what they do for a living. This
exchange between Senators John Glenn and Senator
Howard Metzenbaum is worth reading. Not only is it a
pretty impressive impromptu speech, but it's also a
good example of one man's explanation of why men and
women in the armed services do what they do for a
living. This is a typical, though sad, example of
what some who have never served think of our military.

JOHN GLENN ON THE SENATE FLOOR Date: Mon, 26 Jan 2004 11:13

Senator Howard Metzenbaum to Senator Glenn: "How can you
run for Senate when you've never held a real job?"

Senator Glenn: "I served 23 years in the United States
Marine Corps. I served through two wars. I flew 149 missions. My plane
was hit by antiaircraft fire on 12 different occasions. I was in the
space program.

It wasn't my checkbook, Howard; it was my life on the line.
It was not a nine-to-five job, where I took time off to take the daily
cash receipts to the bank. I ask you to go with me ... as I went the
other day... to a veteran's hospital and look those men - with their
mangled bodies - in the eye, and tell THEM they didn't hold a job! You
go with me to the Space Program at NASA and go, as I have gone, to the
widows and orphans of Ed White, Gus Grissom and Roger Chaffee... and you
look those kids in the eye and tell them that their Dads didn't hold a

You go with me on Memorial Day and you stand in Arlington National
Cemetery, where I have more friends buried than I'd like to remember,
and you watch those waving flags.

You stand there, and you think about this nation, and you
tell ME that those people didn't have a job? I'll tell you, Howard
Metzenbaum; you should be on your knees every day of your life thanking
God that there were some men - SOME MEN - who held REAL jobs. And they
required a dedication to a purpose - and a love of country and a
dedication to duty that was more important than life itself. And their
self-sacrifice is what made this country possible.

I HAVE held a job, Howard! What about you?"

For those who don't remember - During W.W.II, Howard Metzenbaum was an
attorney representing the Communist Party in the USA

If you can read this, thank a teacher.... If you are reading
it in English thank a Veteran.

Submitted by K.O.
US Army, 1965-1968
  Flower show
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local
town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring. We
never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and
streak through that stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and,
completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the
front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the
hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded
by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement"

Submitted by D.O.
  What a weekend: part 2
There's almost not even a reason to post anything else about the weekend. Something about protecting the innocent. Or was it protecting the guilty? Not sure. But then again, not sure who reads this anyway, so better safe than sorry.

Not to mention the fact that everything after the early morning bike ride is pretty much a blur as it is.

We had plenty of fine home cooked meals, courtesy of my lovely wife (not to say that no one else contributed, but if I'm not naming names for anything else, why start now?).

One thing I can mention is the way we try to relive our college days by playing drinking games. Either that or we're all trying really hard to be able to not remember what happens on these types of trips. Anyway, one of the favorites is flippy cup. And I must say that I have found my Olympic sport of choice! Finally, a "sport" that I can stand behind! I wouldn't even mind going to the practices for this one.

I started out with two others on my team and we dominated! We lost one of our members due to an early morning work schedule, yet that loss did nothing to hinder our domination over the competition. And then, just for shits and giggles, I took on other teams solo. And continued to dominate. And I don't care if you don't like repetition, I'll say it again, DOMINATE!

Now for those of you who don't know what a game of flippy cup looks like, here's what you would have seen:

Well, that's what you would have seen had it been someone else playing and not us. It seems that, conveniently enough, no one bothered to bring a camera to commemorate 10 years of beach dwelling.

Now it's time, I think, to incorporate the flippy cup logo onto the next set of team jerseys we have printed up.

From time to time we also had a random game of three man pop up. We played on top of a Volvo station wagon, on an overturned trash can, I even rolled dice over someone's exposed chest.

So, as long as I don't here any complaints from the Christian Coalition, I'll just leave it at this: we had a great time. Let's see if we can make it ten more years.

But I doubt it.
  It's too damn hot for a penguin to just be walking around!
Ironic or just a pain in the ass?

Every day last week I had planned on returning home from work with the thought of mowing my lawn. I had already received numerous letters from the home owners association stating that my yard was an affront to the community and if I did not take care of it, they would send me another letter. Well, since I did not want to load the postman down with any unnecessary written communication, I thought it best to take care of the weeds, edging and general maintenance of my yard.

Now some of you may wonder why someone as responsible as myself would be in such a situation with the HOA. Well, with as many weekends that we are not home, coupled with the antithesis of a drought, the end result is a jungle in the back yard (luckily it's fenced so that no one can actually see it), and wild growth in the front (I've maintained the front a bit more just cause it can be seen and ridiculed).

Well, since my plans were dashed all week long by mother nature (and the fact that the HOA doesn't seem to understand that you can't really cut wet grass), it was left for the weekend. The forecast called for sunny and clear. What it failed to mention was that with the heat index it would be about 108 degrees.

So for two days, I toiled in Sahara like conditions, mowing and edging, weed whacking and weed killing, filling up bag after bag with yard refuse. I think I may have incurred some damage. Heat stroke, fatigue, whatever. The upside is, whatever impurities that may have been lodged within my pores have been sweat out and now contaminate my yard.

Course, now that the weekend is over, the forecast calls for rain throughout the rest of the work week. I'm not sure when I pissed Mother Nature off, but rest assured, I did.
Sunday, August 21, 2005
  I don't care
The lady who wrote this letter is Pam Foster of
Pamela Foster and Associates in Atlanta. She's
been in business since 1980 doing interior design
and home planning. She recently wrote a letter to a
family member serving in Iraq. Read it.

Subject: I don't care!


"Are we fighting a war on terror or aren't we? Was
it or was it not started by Islamic people who
brought it to our shores on September 11, 2001? Were
people from all over the world, mostly Americans,
not brutally murdered that day, in downtown
Manhattan, across the Potomac from our nation's
capitol and in a field in Pennsylvania? Did nearly
three thousand men, women and children die a
horrible, burning or crushing death that day, or
didn't they?

And I'm supposed to care that a copy of the Koran
was "desecrated" when an overworked American soldier
kicked it or got it wet? Well, I don't. I don't care
at all.

I'll start caring when Osama bin Laden turns
himself in and repents for incinerating all those
innocent people on 9/11.

I'll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the
Middle East start caring about the Holy Bible, the
mere possession of which is a crime in Saudi Arabia.

I'll care when Abu Musab al-Zarqawi tells the
world he is sorry for hacking off Nick Berg's head
while Berg screamed through his gurgling, slashed

I'll care when the cowardly so-called "insurgents"
in Iraq come out and fight like men instead of
disrespecting their own religion by hiding in

I'll care when the mindless zealots who blow
themselves up in search of nirvana care about the
innocent children within range of their suicide

I'll care when the American media stops pretending
that their First Amendment liberties are somehow
derived from international law instead of the United
States Constitution's Bill of Rights.

I'll care when Clinton-appointed judges stop
ordering my government to release photos of the
abuses at Abu Ghraib, which are sure to set off the
Islamic extremists just as Newsweek's lies did a few
weeks ago.

In the meantime, when I hear a story about a brave
marine roughing up an Iraqi terrorist to obtain
information, know this: I don't care.

When I see a fuzzy photo of a pile of naked Iraqi
prisoners who have been humiliated in what amounts
to a college hazing incident, rest assured that I
don't care.

When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the
head when he is told not to move because he might be
booby-trapped, you can take it to the bank that I
don't care.

When I hear that a prisoner, who was issued a
Koran and a prayer mat, and fed "special" food that
is paid for by my tax dollars, is complaining that
his holy book is being "mishandled," you can
absolutely believe in your heart of hearts that I
don't care.

And oh, by the way, I've noticed that sometimes
it's spelled "Koran" and other times "Quran." Well,
Jimmy Crack Corn and -- you guessed it -- I don't
care!" -

Submitted by D.T.
Thursday, August 18, 2005
  Twin Towers come back to life to kick ass
as seen at worldnetdaily

Warship built with steel from Twin Towers

In tribute to victims of the 9-11 attack on New York City, the U.S. Navy is using 10 tons of steel from the World Trade Center to build a new warship that will help defend the nation from terrorism.

This sounds like the best possible use of materials salvaged from the Twin Towers. Of course that's just my opinion, but I think it would be poetic justice if this particular warship had Al Queada in it's sights. Watch out terrorists, the towers are back, and they are pissed!
  Tap the bottle and twist the cap
As read on MSN.com this morning, all you hoitey toitey's out there that think srew top wine is for bums, the homeless, cheap college kids, etc., the winery's have news for you.

Something screwy is happening in the wine world. Increasingly, the sound of a cork being popped out of a wine bottle is being replaced by the crackle of a screw cap being undone.

And just when I thought Wild Irish Rose migt be on an upswing.

How about a little MD 20/20, Night Train, Thunderbird? Where have the classics gone? I suppose all of the "old skool" twist cap wines will be replaced by something more along the lines of this: Plumpjack Winery in California's Napa Valley shocked the wine world in 1999 when it bottled half of its 1997 Reserve Cabernet Sauvignon in screw caps and sold that wine for $145
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
  what a weekend!
Just recently returned from a 4 day bender at the beach. And let me tell you, the people I choose to associate with are getting old! This is a group of people that have known each other since college, plus some stragglers. I'm almost considered a straggler since I wasn't part of the "core" group that started these beach trips ten years ago, but did attend college with most of these fools.

Ten years ago, some college kids thought it would be a good idea to go down to Myrtle Beach and all stay at a friend's father's condo. I was not involved in any of that debauchery, but I was involved in the years to come. That friend whose father owned a condo at the beach eventually became my wife.

Due to the growth in the group, the last uncounted number of years have been spent at one of the other friend's family beach house, right on the sand. It's quite nice really, and we owe his family a great debt for allowing us to terrorize the locals year to year. I mean, come on, someone's got to think about their reputation for the next time the family makes a trip to their house. We don't want locals to recognize the house and start yelling profane things at family members that had nothing to do with "stuff" that might or might not have had a negative impact.

The wife and I were very excited about this trip. It gave us some time away from real life, jobs, bills, children, etc. My parents were naive enough to offer to watch our 2 year old for us while we were away. (Turns out the little rugrat was on better behavior for them than he's EVER been for us) So with great excitement, we leave the "grandparents" house and head for the surf.

We were the second set of folks to arrive at the house, the first car load containing three of our friends who had gotten there just minutes before us. I hopped out of the car and cracked my first, of what was to be many, beers. We said our hellos and I started to unpack the car. A few more folks showed up and it was a relatively low key kind of night. Just having a few cold beers and catching up with everyone.

The next day started as if I was getting ready for work. No alarm clock, but by God, I was up and at 'em at 7 in the morning. Since I was alone in this morning endeavor of waking up, I thought it would be a good time to take a stroll down by the beach. By the time I got back, I was still alone in this world of the awake. I found a bike in the storage room and decided that, what the hell, let's go for a ride on the beach. I had forgotten how much work it was to ride a bike. All of my memories from youth stated that it was a "fun" thing to do. My memories had betrayed me. Now sore and on unfriendly terms with the bike, I returned it to it's purgatory of storage and went inside to see if anyone had yet awoken.

Since I was left thinking that zombies had come, killed and dragged away the bodies of my comrades, I started checking rooms. Every last person must have been related to Rip Van Winkle, cause not a body was stirring. So I did what any good friend would do when faced with such a situation: I grabbed the first set of car keys I could find and took off in someone else's car. I was off on a pilgrimage for the tastiest of tasty, that's right, pizza sticks from Dodge's General store. Let's just say that over the course of 4 days, the clerks got to know me.

By the time I had made it back to the house, the inmates had started to stir, as I distinctly made out the sound of the blender being fired up as I made my way up the front steps. Vodka, lime-ade, and bunches of ice makes for quite a nice beach drink. I grabbed myself a ice cold beer and waited for breakfast to be cooked............

............to be continued

::grumblegrumble:: *gnaw on Robitussin bottle*

What pisses you off?

Created by ptocheia

Tuesday, August 16, 2005
The King is Dead

The Top 14 Ways to Commemorate the
28th Anniversary of Elvis's Death

14) Ingest the annual drug output of Bogota; ask W. to make you a special DEA agent.

13) Form a coast-to-coast chain of fans joined at the pelvis.

12) Try not to think about stroking out while taking a dump.

11) Practice a little self love... tenderly.

10) Go to Hawaii and win a big speedboat race, earning enough money to save your
girlfriend's family business. Proceed to make out with Ann-Margret.

9) Have Sonny and Red beat you senseless for looking at Priscilla.

8) Burn his likeness onto a tortilla, then leave it lying around for the housekeeper
to find.

7) Fry up a batch of peanut-butter-and-Quaalude sandwiches.

6) Wear a sequined uniform while on duty at the Post Office.

5) Place a picture of Michael Jackson next to one of Lisa Marie. Climb into coffin.

4) Fire off a 21-television salute.

3) Pull out those blue suede shoes and use them to beat the Backstreet Boys to
unrecognizable pulp.

2) Dig up Richard Nixon's corpse and shake his hand.

and the Number 1 Way to Commemorate the 25th Anniversary of Elvis's Death...

1) Order an "Elvis Memorial Death-Day Sterling Silver Stool" from the Franklin Mint.

  Wave of the future
That's right, now you can get that smokey bacon flavor without the fat and grease!
Check it out - - Smoked Bacon Spray
Monday, August 15, 2005
Marriage Decisions

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among
three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and
watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon
gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses
up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be
more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set
of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive
clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all
the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several
times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the
remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their
future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with
the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

Submitted by: A.M.
Monday, August 08, 2005
  Bacon makes everything better
Friday, August 05, 2005
Had the post-op check up scheduled for 3:30 on Friday. And what a difference a day can make. As opposed to Thursday morning when I had the surgery, this time the place was empty. I almost think I saw a tumble weed gracefully float from one end of the waiting room to the other.

I was immediately seen. This took all of about 5 minutes. Normal recovery. Keep using the anti-inflammatory drops and antibiotic drops. We'll see you in 10 days.

In and out with no waiting? Great. Now all I have to do is wrestle with 4:00 traffic , in Atlanta, on a Friday.

Sure hope I've got a couple of cold beers in the fridge at home.
  Little differences
Thursday, August 04, 2005
  eyes wide shut
Went out to the Duluth office of LasikPlus this morning for the laser eye surgery to hope and rid myself of glasses and contacts.

I had a 10:30 appointment. Kristi dropped me off at about 10:20. The place was absolutely packed. I announced my arrival at the front desk and was told to wait. Now, I don't normally mind waiting, but there were no available seats to sit in. The whole place was occupado. Which relegated me to wandering around the waiting area and watching others receive the treatment before me.

The room where the procedure actually takes place consists of 3 glass walls in the middle of the waiting area. You get to watch as each person before you has the procedure done. A little creepy seeing someone else's eye up on a computer monitor as laser beams sculpt them a new cornea.

After about 2 hours of wandering in circles within the waiting area, my name was called and it was my turn. I got all comfortable and they taped up my left eye, applying numbing drops to the right one. Using some sort of vise grips, they pry my eye open and keep it that way as they continue to apply the numbing drops.

The next thing you hear is someone say "suction on", this is the time in which they actually create the flap in your eye so that the laser can reshape the cornea. You feel quite a bit of pressure, and even with your eye open, lose complete sight. Then you hear "suction off" and, as vision returns, you see them using some sort of device to move the flap that was just created.

You are directed to look at a red light and then you here the machine start up. Ever smell burning hair before? That's what you smell as the laser strikes your eyeball. A little disconcerting, but breath through it and move on to the other eye.

All in all, the whole thing took about 12 minutes. I noticed an immediate difference, albeit fuzzy one. Then it was time to go home, take a nap, and let the healing process begin
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
  big ass pupils
Just returned from the LasikPlus consultation. Was unaware that they would have to dilate my pupils for this process. Man is it bright out there!
Anyway, it has been determined that I am a viable candidate for the Lasik eye surgery. Hell, they even had an opening as early as tomorrow! I opted for the following day. I will be going under the knife (so to speak) Thursday morning, hopefully emerging from this process contact and/or glasses free. Then only have to go back Friday for a post-op check up. Then I plan on taking these coke bottle glasses out to the firing range and shooting them until they are nothing but shards of glass and plastic. And yes, I know that I have anger issues.
Stay out of my psychosis.
Monday, August 01, 2005
  tax free, but only if you use it
Preferred Health Flexible Spending Accounts (FSA)
This account can be used:

To pay for most health care expenses not covered by your insurance plan.
For regular, predictable health care expenses, such as vision care, that are not covered by your medical or dental plan.
To provide a significant tax advantage.
A spending account can save you money by using pre-tax dollars, but it requires careful planning. Keep in mind that money deducted from your pay and deposited in your Health FSA must be used during the year for the appropriate expenses. Money left in an account does not carry over to the next year, and it is not refundable to you at the end of the year. In other words, if you do not use it, you will lose it!

I have participated in the "FSA" for the past 2 years. It can come in extremely handy when encumbered with doctor visits, prescriptions, etc., etc. But, for what ever reason, I have been unable to budget these monies appropriately. Last year I did not elect enough of my paycheck to be siphoned into the FSA account. This year, trying to remedy my previous year debacle, I elected TOO much money. Now here we are, in the second half of the year, and my family hasn't gotten nearly sick enough to warrant the amount of green I'm hiding from the government. This wouldn't be a problem if it weren't for the fact that if the money does not get utilized for a health related item by the end of 2005, all of my hard earned, albeit tax free, cash gets earmarked for the next NASA project.

Those of you who know me are aware of the fact that I have what can only be described as "less than perfect" vision. For those of you who don't know me, let me illustrate for you by comparison to what "normal" vision is supposed to be: 20/20. Now, the cock bottles that are necessary to correct my vision to 20/20 are rated at 20/400. I am extremely near-sighted, almost legally blind. But not blind enough to warrant the use of seeing-eye dog. Which is a good thing, 'cause I wouldn't be able to see the poop to be able to properly clean up after the animal, and I certainly wouldn't want to do it by touch.

Now, if we combine a surplus of monies in an account that cannot be touched unless it is medically related WITH the need for corrective lenses, we have a match that might just solve this issue with me being able to see and the government not keeping my hidden treasure (or, as I like to refer to it: booty).

Enter: LASIK
LASIK is the most advanced procedure in correcting nearsightedness, farsightedness and astigmatism. It is one of the most frequently utilized elective procedures and is also an eligible Flexible Spending Account expenditure.

Laser beams shone directly into my eyes to improve my quality of vision. What could possibly go wrong?
Tuesday morning I have an appointment with an accredited laser surgeon to determine whether or not I am a candidate for the LASIK procedure.

So wish me luck and keep your eyes crossed. I'll let you know how it all turns out. Well, if I can still see the keys to type, that is. Otherwise, I'll have to dictate, and nobody likes a dictator.
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Location: Salisbury, North Carolina, United States

Kevin O'Mellan (Whittington Appraisals): Appraiser in Salisbury, Rowan County, North Carolina

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