Random & Incoherent
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
  A new game
El Jefe was telling me about this new game he played the other day while out inspecting a house. It's called dodge the dog piss. Very simple to play, very smelly to lose.
He was measuring the exterior of a house that had a screened in porch attached to it. The dog was kept in the screened in porch. The dog was attempting to mark his territory (in this case any area around the porch).

I think we can safely assume that a screened in porch does not do nearly enough to contain dog urine when said dog is determined enough to aim for you. And I can tell you, it's not easy to get accurate measurements while dodging and weaving to avoid being pissed on. OK, OK, I can't really tell you about that, since I have no real experience with it. But I can surely imagine.
  And the winner is.......
That's right, in a fight between myself and my wife, at least according to Google Fights, I am victorious!

Of course this has no meaning in real life, only in the virtual world of search results. But I'm going to hang onto this crowning moment, at least for a little while.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
  It happens to all of us...
So I was driving into work this
morning, and this dick in a truck
pulls out in front of me........

  Top 15 Slogans Rejected By Motel 6
15. Because your neighbor's wife deserves better than the backseat of
some car.

14. As seen on COPS.

13. If we'd known you were staying all night, we'd have changed the

12. Not just for nooners anymore.

11. We left off the 9, but you know it's there.

10. You rented the room, now buy the video.

9. Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn't have
money left over for the hooker.

8. We'll leave the Lysol for ya.

7. Hey! We're not the Ritz but, just try bringing your secretary there
on your salary, pal.

6. We don't make the adultery. We make the adultery BETTER.

5. It's Hookerrific!

4. Official lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins.

3. Blurring the line between stains and avant-garde sheet art since 1962.

2. Cheap and easy, just like your sisters.

1. We put the Ho in Hotel.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
  Irish Gas Station
Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drove his new Ford Excursion into an Irish gas station.

An attendant greeted him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro was.
"Top of the mornin' to ya!" the Irish man smiled, doffing his cap.

As Tiger got out of the mammoth vehicle, two tees fell out of his pocket.

"So what are those, lad?" asked the attendant.

"They're called tees," replied Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin' 'em for, now?" inquired the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," said Tiger.

"AW! Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph," exclaimed the Irish attendant, "those fellas at Ford think of everything!"

And the only problem I see with the joke is knowing that Tiger had an endorsement deal with Buick, so he wouldn't have been driving a Ford!
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
  The most awesomest photo ever!
So much so, that I now have this as my desktop background. It never fails as motivation when you have a gun in your face.

Check out the rest of the "Crime" series on Flickr
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
  For those out there that warm my legs
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
  Too much information
As we were leaving a house that we had inspected the other day, the owner felt it necessary to explain to us that he was about to make a run to Wal-Mart to do some shopping for his wife. Of course, he continued, he would have to put his teeth in first.

Yes, not only does the Wal-Mart trip to shop for your wife qualify as TMI, but double that for explaining you had yet to insert your dentures.

Now, triple the amount of TMI for doing the visual inspection of the interior of the home and finding said dentures on the bathroom counter. I almost thought they would start chomping their way down the countertop after me.

I'm beginning to learn that it takes less and less to creep me out.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
  Paging Doctor Daniels........Dr. Jack Daniels

It's funny for me because I used to have a little saying: "I'm not a gynecologist, but I play one in my back yard"
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
  Perspective on Illegal Immigration
Recently large demonstrations have taken place across the country protesting the fact that Congress is finally addressing the issue of illegal immigration. Certain people are angry that the U.S. might protect its own borders, might make it harder to sneak into this country and, once here, to stay indefinitely. Let me see if I correctly understand the thinking behind these protests.

Let's say I break into your house. Let's say that when you discover mein your house, you insist that I leave. But I say, "I've made allthe beds and washed the dishes and did the laundry and swept thefloors; I've done all the things you don't like to do. I'm hard-working and honest (except for when I broke into your house).

According to the protesters, not only must you let me stay, you must add me to your family's insurance plan, educate my kids, andprovide other benefits to me and to my family (my husband will do your yard work because he too is hard-working and honest, except for thatbreaking in part).

If you try to call the police or force me out, I will call my friends who will picket your house carrying signs that proclaim my right to be there.

It's only fair, after all, because you have a nicer house than I do, and I'm just trying to better myself. I'm hard-working and honest, um, except for well, you know.

And what a deal it is for me!! I live in your house, contributing only a fraction of the cost of my keep, and there is nothing you can do about it without being accused of selfishness, prejudice and being an anti-housebreaker. Oh yeah, and I want you to learn my language so you can communicate with me.

Why can't people see how ridiculous this is?! Only in America ....i
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be
alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in
bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female
sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go
home and sleep with
them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and
simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men
will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women
whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of
what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that
"something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's
savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."
In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the
unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment
referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam
after beer is admi nistered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it,
there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your
encounter with similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone

For a video to see how beer works click here:
Demonstration Warning
Monday, October 02, 2006
  Male Restroom Etiquette
For those that have always wanted to know....

....and had 10 minutes to kill
  Cute hamster....
Dirty mouth!

Not for the easily offended
Sunday, October 01, 2006
  True meaning of life
Life is all about ass

you're either covering it,

laughing it off,

kicking it,

kissing it,

busting it,

trying to get a piece of it,

behaving like one,

or you live with one.
  Eggs and Gas
Still makes for an interesting read, even though the gas prices have started to come down.

A man eats two eggs each morning for breakfast. When he goes to the grocery store he pays .60 cents a dozen. Since a dozen eggs won't last a week he normally buys two dozens at a time.

One day while buying eggs he notices that the price has risen to 72 cents. The next time he buys groceries, eggs are .76 cents a dozen.

When asked to explain the price of eggs the store owner says, "the price has gone up and I have to raise my price accordingly".

This store buys 100 dozen eggs a day. I checked around for a better price and all the distributors have raised their prices. The distributors have begun to buy from the huge egg farms. The small egg farms have been driven out of business.

The huge egg farms sells 100,000 dozen eggs a day to distributors. With no competition, they can set the price as they see fit. The distributors then have to raise their prices to the grocery stores. And on and on and on. As the man kept buying eggs the price kept going up. He saw the big egg trucks delivering 100 dozen eggs each day. Nothing changed there.

He checked out the huge egg farms and found they were selling 100,000 dozen eggs to the distributors daily. Nothing had changed but the price of eggs.

Then week before Thanksgiving the price of eggs shot up to $1.00 a dozen. Again he asked the grocery owner why and was told, "cakes and baking for the holiday". The huge egg farmers know there will be a lot of baking going on and more eggs will be used. Hence, the price of eggs goes up. Expect the same thing at Christmas and other times when family cooking, baking, etc.happen.

This pattern continues until the price of eggs is 2.00 a dozen. The man says,"there must be something we can do about the price of eggs". He starts talking to all the people in his town and they decide to stop buying eggs. This didn't work because everyone needed eggs. Finally, the man suggested only buying what you need.

He ate 2 eggs a day. On the way home from work he would stop at the grocery and buy two eggs. Everyone in town started buying 2 or 3 eggs a day.

The grocery store owner began complaining that he had too many eggs in his cooler. He told the distributor that he didn't need any eggs. Maybe wouldn't need any all week.

The distributor had eggs piling up at his warehouse. He told the huge egg farms that he didn't have any room for eggs would not need any for at least two weeks.

At the egg farm, the chickens just kept on laying eggs.

To relieve the pressure, the huge egg farm told the distributor that they could buy the eggs at a lower price. The distributor said, " I don't have the room for the %$&^*&% eggs even if they were free".

The distributor told the grocery store owner that he would lower the price of the eggs if the store would start buying again. The grocery store owner said, "I don't have room for more eggs. The customers are only buy 2 or 3 eggs at a time". "Now if you were to drop the price of eggs back down to the original price, the customers would start buying by the dozen again".

The distributors sent that proposal to the huge egg farmers. They liked the price they were getting for their eggs but, them chickens just kept on laying.

Finally, the egg farmers lowered the price of their eggs. But only a few cents. The customers still bought 2 or 3 eggs at a time. They said, "when the price of eggs gets down to where it was before, we will start buying by the dozen."

Slowly the price of eggs started dropping. The distributors had to slash their prices to make room for the eggs coming from the egg farmers. The egg farmers cut their prices because the distributors wouldn't buy at a higher price than they were selling eggs for.

Anyway, they had full warehouses and wouldn't need eggs for quite a while.

And them chickens kept on laying.

Eventually, the egg farmers cut their prices because they were throwing away eggs they couldn't sell. The distributors started buying again because the eggs were priced to where the stores could afford to sell them at the lower price.

And the customers starting buying by the dozen again.

Now, transpose this analogy to the gasoline industry.

What if everyone only bought $20.00 worth of gas each time they pulled to the pump. The dealers tanks would stay semi full all the time. The dealers wouldn't have room for the gas coming from the huge tank farms. The tank farms wouldn't have room for the gas coming from the refining plants. And the refining plants wouldn't have room for the oil being off-loaded from the huge tankers coming from the Middle East.

Just $20.00 each time you buy gas. Don't fill it up. You may have to stop for gas twice a week but, the price should come down.

Think about it.

As an added note...When I buy $20.00 worth of gas,that leaves my tank a little under half full. The way prices are jumping around, you can buy gas for $2.9+ a gallon and then the next morning it can be $2.8+ If you have your tank full of $2.9+ gas you don't have room for the $2.8+ gas. You might not understand the economics of only buying two eggs at a time but, you can't buy cheaper gas if your tank is full of the high priced stuff.

Also, don't buy anything else at the gas station, don't give them any more of your hard earned money than what you spend on gas, until the prices come down..
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Location: Salisbury, North Carolina, United States

Kevin O'Mellan (Whittington Appraisals): Appraiser in Salisbury, Rowan County, North Carolina

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