Random & Incoherent
Monday, November 28, 2005
  The real reason why
we grind our teeth in our sleep

And then you wonder why you have a bad taste in your mouth in the morning..... ;-)

As submitted by KRH
Friday, November 25, 2005
  Holiday lights
The Riverbanks Zoo in Columbia holds an even each year titled "Lights Before Christmas" in which they spend hundreds of man hours and thousands of dollars in electricity to fill the night sky with as amny zoo related holiday lighting arrangements as humanly possible. We went the day after Thanksgiving. No one had remembered to bring a camera and the battery life of my phone/camera was dwindling, so the pics are few and low quality.

But we got one of Junior riding a bronze statue surrounded by lights

and one of him in the Santa area

He got all the way up to Mrs. Claus and decided that he no longer wanted anything to do with the festive fat man.
Thursday, November 24, 2005
  Holiday helper
This year, we were straying from the norm and the decision was made to deep fry a turkey. Junior got to help out Gramps in the morning preparations.
  Happy Thanksgiving
Monday, November 21, 2005
  Technical Difficulty
Since there was a server issue and no one was actually able to view the nuptials, I present to you Mr. and Mrs. Trey Raley!

  Wild animals
Went to the park on Sunday to give junior something other than furniture to climb on.
I honestly do believe that he's part monkey.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
  Art lesson of the day

As submitted by Peacedog
  Choreography at it's finest
Big Ad

As submitted by KJS
  Worst Break-Up Ever?
Some of you may have already seen this.
It was sent to me by someone who knows someone that knows the guy involved in this story. Take that as you will.

Bottom line, don't use e-amil to break up with someone, it'll only come back to bit you in the butt.

> Brad,

> It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I
> feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I
> am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the
> people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person
> that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all
> for anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say that
> of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing.

> I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can
> handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't
> handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird,
> I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something. The
> world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me,
> there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I
> don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping
> that you didn't.

> I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also
> hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds
> totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant
> role in my life, I can't imagine my days without you. It is totally
> strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behavior
> didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you
> hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a
> terrible person, because I am not.

> I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened,
but I > just want you to know that fighting with you was just about the
> thing I could have ever imagined. It was right up there with one of
> ugliest nights of my life, and I would give anything in the world to
> rewind and fix it.

> I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you
> won't. If not today, then maybe some other time. Also, thanks for
> getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at
> your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be
> great. I can't even focus or work today, I can't eat, I seriously feel
> like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it
> was not that and you are not done with me. Please don't cut me off, I
> really don't think I can handle that.

> I am so sorry.

> Elizabeth

> -----Original Message-----
> Sent: Monday, October 24, 2005 12:02 PM
> Subject: Re: Ugh....enjoy.

> Dear Elizabeth,

> Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L"
> for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less
> about".

> You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting
> to carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load
> of whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45
> minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long
> because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "Stupid
> thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.

> To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and
> degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour
> span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't Fuck
> him" somehow gave you a clean slate.

> So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world "looked funny" to
> you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden
> retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been
> most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings
> for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don't
> think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run
> of the mill cum-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as
> your average child porn collector. I could be wrong but, it's pretty
> hard to respect some B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my
> place even though she's seeing someone else in New jersey and winds up
> tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning
> commentary on Colin Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with for
> a hand and b-job in the men's room. The good thing about being a guy
> that when I eventually bump into the young lad who finger-blasted you
> on top of a towel dispenser last saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh
> our heads off about the time it happened.

> By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class
> you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs
> you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little
> like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.
> PS. I BCC'd about 100 people on this email.
> Talk to you never,
> Brad

As submitted by ARM
  From the mouths of babes
Recently a friend of mine sent me some mail with what were titled "Truly Tasteless Jokes", and if you knew this friend (and some of you do) you would know that these types of statements would not come from her. I did however think it was interesting that, according to her, when she heard these jokes, she immediatley thought of me.

Does that mean I'm tasteless, or that funny is funny regardless of how tasteless it is?

You be the judge:

what's a jewish nativity scene?
7 lawyers surrounding a car crash

what are 2 preppies making love?
a competition

why does football have so many black fans?
it's the only time a black man can chase a white one and 75,000 people will stand up and cheer

how do you empty a bagdad bingo parlor?
call out b-52

how can you spot a lesbian bar?
even the pool table doesn't have any balls

what's the difference between aids and golf?
in golf one bad hole won't kill you

what do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs?
nice tits

That last one is my favorite

As submitted by JEH
  Back Street Boys with a slant
If you're a fan of chinese students lipsynching to a BSB song

(and, come on, who isn't?)
then you're going to love this little gem.

So sit back, crack open a quart of shrimp fried rice and enjoy!

Back Street Boys - - The Asain Edition

As submitted by ARM
  You are cordially invited
to attend the wedding of

Trey Raley
Jo Ellen Hutslar

via the internet
on 11/19/2005
at 2:00 PM in the
Mon Bel Ami Wedding Chapel

Be sure to dress appropriately!

According to my wife, it's true, her brother is officially (and hopefully legally) married.
The website that runs the webcasts of these ceremonies was having some server issues over the weekend, thus no one actually "witnessed" them tying the knot.
  I am my brother's keeper
Ever get the feeling that there's one guy holding you back, or that your reputation as a part of a group is being sullied due to the actions of one man?

Well that's the case at my cube farm. I work in a small department. I only have 2 co-workers. I have been involved with the same 2 for the past 4 years. Everyone (that includes people outside of my management level) knows who the weakest link is, but no one is willing to do the necessary paperwork to vote said problem off of the island.

This situation would not normally be a problem if it weren't for the fact that my work depends on him completing his in a timely manner and vice versa.

So, due to the incompetence/laziness of one individual, the new decree that was handed down from on high is MANDATORY OVERTIME.

It was stated in an official-looking email this afternoon that our department was to work 10 hour days now to clean up any and all backlog.

So now all must suffer due to the lack of interest of one. So now, when all of my assigned work is complete I have to wait for him to finish his to-do list before I can move on to other endeavors.

It amazes me just how hard it is to fire someone in a right-to-fire state. You'd think "he's not doing his job, he's fired"! But you'd be wrong. At this point, I just hope I leave before he does so that I am not coerced into completing his workload due to the fact that "the budget won't support another head count".

On top of all this is the rumor of impending management change-ups in the coming months.

When will we ever get our shit together?
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
  There was a farmer, had a dog.....
and B I N G O was his name-o!

This past Friday night, well before any of the vomiting came into play to ruin an otherwise decent weekend, you'll never guess where I was.

Well, aside from the title and the first line of the post, you'd never be able to guess.

Down in Buckhead, tearing up the club scene?


Midtown, partying after work?


At the local Home Depot, picking up some day-laborers?


Bankhead Highway, chillin' with the brothas?


The Cheetah, with a wicked grin and a stack of ones?

I wish!

No, I was at the neighborhood club house playing bingo.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. But don't worry, I was able to liven it up a bit. All you have to do is bring your own cooler. And that seemed to help. I ended up winning 4 out of 10 games.

But how did this all happen? Why would someone as cool as me be seen playing bingo?

Well, my neighbor, who's in on all the social committee happenings, filled me in with the 411 regarding Friday night. The biggest draw was that there was no cover charge, yet there would be prizes. What kind of prizes would be worth going to the bingo parlor? Well, after you consider that it's either bingo or arts and crafts at the house, it doesn't really matter, now does it?

At the end of the night, I walked out of there with a $5 gift certificate to a pizza joint, a $25 gift certificate to a hair salon (brownie points with the wife), a gift basket with hair care products (more brownie points), and a VIP wing party at Hooter's for me and 10 guests. Nevermind the fact that I don't eat wings. I can find 10 people that do, and have them pay for my beer for the evening.


And to top the night off, came home and had a nice game of topless darts.

And somewhere, off in the distance, an angel got his wings.
A mother's guilt was invoked Monday morning.

My wife was very indecisive about taking junior back to daycare after the weekend of vomit.

The boy was acting fine: smiling, laughing, jumping, playing. But Kristi just wasn't sure if she should take him to school or not. She knew that she had to go to the downtown showroom to get some work related things accomplished, but didn't want to abandon her baby.

My 2 cents? Take him to daycare. If anything goes wrong, we can always pick him up, but at least this way you can still get to the showroom.

Apparently, the boy has been taking some drama classes. Once the car pulled into the school parking lot, he started clutching his stomach, stating that he was sick and wanted to go home, and all this while screaming uncontrollably, tears streaming down his face.

Kristi tried to drop him off, tried to stay strong.

It took 2 of the teachers to hold the boy as she walked out the door. But before she could get back into the car, the screams of her child tugged at every available heart string.

She went back in, collected the boy, who was still screaming, and put him back in the car.

Not even 1 minute out of the parking lot and the water works were turned off. No more screaming, and a large smile spread across the boy's face.

Guess what mom, you just got punked!

Well, mother and son had a nice long discussion and in the end Junior went back to daycare and had a normal day.

I never knew just how manipulative people can be, even little people (and no, I'm not talking about midgets).
  Training the next generation
Apparently, it's never too early to start thinking about bulking up or trimming down.
When the most concealing piece of clothing you wear is a diaper, you've got to be in shape, ready to impress all the little honies down at the sandbox

More and more children are losing the battle with obesity, being the lazy bastards that they are: watching T.V., playing video games, being all-around slobs.

Not Pede's child. He's already working on the chin-ups.

Be careful Pede, he'll be fighting back sooner than you're ready to handle. I think it's time you hit the gym, buddy.
  As requested
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  Next generation cocktail
Monday, November 14, 2005
  Hit the links

If you plan on being in the Charlotte area and are interested in hitting a few balls, then check out Tee One Up Golf in Lincolnton.
The owner is a close personal friend of mine (OK, OK....he's my brother-in-law), so ask for the family & friends discount.
  Why yes, that is the sun coming up
Somewhere around 3 A.M. Sunday morning, my wife and I learned in the most difficult of manners, that our son was less than healthy.

More specifically, the wife found out. Apparently, at an earlier point in the night, Junior had unconsciously emptied his bladder. Normally, while wearing a diaper, this is not a big deal. Unfortunately for my wife, a diaper can only hold so much liquid.

Never having been one to be awoken by being urinated on, I can only assume that it is not one of the most pleasant of experiences. This was when I was summoned out of slumber. Junior needed to be changed while Kristi cleaned herself up. No big deal. Put a fresh diaper on the boy, everybody gets back in bed, time to go back to sleep, right?


The next thing I hear is the unmistakable sound of a human vomiting. Due to the fact that the boy seems to like his mother more than me, she just happened to be within range of this particular projectile. Unable to grasp the gravity of the situation as quickly as was necessary, she got hit a second time as Junior uncontrollably heaved.

Now he’s covered in his own filth, the sheets, pillows and my wife’s back have all been desecrated as well. And this is when the pit crew-like unison of work comes into effect. Words are not necessary. She hauls the boy into the bathroom, disrobing as she goes. As soon as they have left the bed, it is stripped and thrown into the washing machine.

Bath water is started as the boy’s pajamas are removed. Fresh clothes are gathered as the two get cleaned up and new sheets are spread out onto the fold-out bed in the living room (there was no way we were getting back into that bed, it had been soaked down to the mattress).

All this before 6 A.M.

After the next round of vomiting, a call is placed to the pediatrician’s office. Call is returned by a nurse with a statement that he probably has one of the very contagious bugs that is currently making the rounds, and she would have a doctor call us so that we might get a prescription called in to the local pharmacy.

Well, 6 phone calls, 5 hours, and about 10 more fits of vomiting and we finally have our return phone call from the doc, who calls into the local Kroger a prescription for phenigrin (sp?).

With a warning from the pharmacist that this “might make him drowsy”, we administer the drug. Rectally. This is not a form of pill popping that is comfortable for anyone involved.

And finally, he can sleep. And we can relax.

Now we just have to hope that we haven’t contracted the same thing.
Saturday, November 12, 2005
  One touch functionality
Thursday, November 10, 2005
  Get down!
It brings a smile to my face, I don't really need to justify this to you people.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
  Name that pimp
Your Pimp Name Is...

Pimptastico Pump

Your Pimp Name Is...

Maestro Tease

Your Pimp Name Is...

Stud Glider

Your Pimp Name Is...

Stud Tickler

Your Pimp Name Is...

Big Playah Big Spenda

Your Pimp Name Is...

Ribbed Dazzle

Your Pimp Name Is...

Master Pimp Glider

Your Pimp Name Is...

Long Dong Kisses

Your Pimp Name Is...

Master Pimp Slick

Your Pimp Name Is...

MC Dogg

Your Pimp Name Is...

Big Playah Glider

Your Pimp Name Is...

Pimptastico Money

Your Pimp Name Is...

Macktastic Money

Your Pimp Name Is...

Ribbed Pump

Your Pimp Name Is...

Uncle Shagswell

Your Pimp Name Is...

Ribbed Kisses

Your Pimp Name Is...

Master Pimp Slick

or pimpette

Your Pimp Name Is...

Sweetness Luv

Your Pimp Name Is...

Princess Slick

Your Pimp Name Is...

Sugar Lips Slick

Your Pimp Name Is...

Sugar Butt Dogg

Your Pimp Name Is...

Ms. Dazzle

Your Pimp Name Is...

Pimp Mama Dogg

Your Pimp Name Is...

Disco Big Spenda


Your Pimp Name Is...

Ms. Kisses

Your Pimp Name Is...

Diamond Dynamite

Your Pimp Name Is...

Sexxie Slick

Your Pimp Name Is...

Ms. Mystery

And last, but certainly not least:


Your Pimp Name Is...

Master Fly Dazzle
What's Your Pimp Name?
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
  Based on a true story? It better be.
Coming out November 18 is the story of The Man in Black. I'm looking forward to the movie Walk the Line. I don't know much about Johnny Cash, not even much about his music, but hopefully this movie will help to shed some light for me. The one song I do know is Ring of Fire. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to find it as sung by Mr. Cash (or even Social Distortion for that matter), so just suck it up and deal with what is linked.

This is being brought up due to my recent viewing of Ray, and learning more of the life of Ray Charles. The only thing I didn't like about the movie was the ending. I guess I was just expecting more. But that fact non-withstanding, it was a really good biopic. One of my favorite parts of the movie was a club scene and an impromptu new song, What I say.

And I'm not the typical biographical movie watcher. To me, movies are more of an escape. Under normal circumstances, any movie with the tag line "based on a true story" will not get viewed by me. But for some reason, I really wanted to know more about Johnny and Ray.

edit: Had I only done a little more searching, I would have found the Social Distortion version of Ring of Fire. Requires quicktime.
Monday, November 07, 2005
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