Random & Incoherent
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
  Gold rush
Well, after all the swallowing, sifting, searching, waiting, and x-rays, the gold crown has finally been fitted into my melon.

It all went off pretty much without a hitch, and now my mouth is the most expensive part of my body.

Remember that when I die, prior to being cremated, harvest the gold!
  It's a small world
Over the course of this past Memorial Day Weekend, a revelation was made!

We here in the O'Mellan household would like to welcome a new (sort of) member to the family............Adam McConnell!

That's right, Adam's related. Not to me, mind you, but to my lovely wife. As we found out this past Sunday while Kristi's mother was in Lincolnton and driving around taking in the local flavor, she used to come down from Atlanta as a little girl with her father and stay with some relatives.

Well, after running down the family tree, confirming Joan's story with Susan Cline (aka: Susan McConnell), it has been reveled that Kristi's grandfather and Adam's grandmother were indeed first cousins.

Fast forward a number of years, a couple of marriages, a couple of births and lo and behold two college friends that have hung together roughly 10 years, they find out they're kin.

What a freakin' mind trip!

I'll let everyone make their own assumptions, comments, innuendos, jokes, etc.
Friday, May 27, 2005
  Potty Time: #2
Considering the fact that the weather has been getting warmer, we wanted to upgrade our pool. That's right, I've earned enough money in my illustrious career to be able to afford a pool. And you can do the same. Just head to your local grocery store and pick up one of the 3 ft. diameter blue plastic pools. But I digress. As I said, I upgraded. I am now the proud owner of a 5 ft. diameter blue plastic pool. Keep your envy and jealousy to yourself.

Now the other day was a nice and sunny day, perfect for lounging poolside. Had my shorts on, shades on, and cold beer in hand. And Junior wants to go swimming. No problem, I think. We'll just get him changed into some swimmable diapers and swim trunks and we'll be ready to rock and roll. Well, Junior had different plans. He practically jumped out of his clothes, ripping his diaper off and waving it over his head as if carrying a flag into battle.

Oh well, no big deal, he's a little kid and I've got a fence around my back yard. Don't want to locals getting a view of my extravagant pool. So I sit poolside, watching as he frolics and plays. And on one of his attempts to enter the goliath pool, he ends up with his feet on the patio and hands in the pool bent over and providing quite the portrait. It was at this time that I received a visual representation of the term "turtle headin'".

Recovering quickly from the shock of what I have just seen, my body shifts into "daddy mode". I pick Junior up and tell him it's potty time, which elicits a big grin from the lad. We rush to the toilet all the while I hoping that nothing drops on the carpet. When the doody is done, there is a fan fare of high fives and applause and grins from mommy and daddy.

As a reward for not soiling his pants, the back yard, the patio, or the carpet, it's time to try on the "big boy" underwear. And boy was he excited.

Well, he ran around for the next hour or so in a brand new pair of tighty whiteys, completely unfettered by the remembrance of the old bulky diaper.

And that's when I noticed the puddle on the kitchen floor.

Needless to say, we have not yet graduated from the potty academy.
For the record, this is not posed. This is the way I found Junior last night when I went in to check on him.....

Al Bundy surrenders
Thursday, May 19, 2005
  Bunnies and bass....
Click on the following link: bunnies and bass, and you'll understand why we have an overpopulation problem with rabbits. And I always thought it was because they were good at math. I guess I have once again underestimated the power of music.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
  mariachi madness
Went to the Frontera Mex-Mex restaurant the other day and was lucky enough to experience........EL MARIACHI!!

Tuesday, May 17, 2005
  Bread and Alzheimer's
As happens nearly every day, I determined it was time to break away from cubeville and relegate myself to the foul stench of corporate garbage in the morning. That's right, it was time for a smoke break. And one of the few places that this can be done in the land of suits and ties, is at the loading dock of the office building I currently report to every day to "work".

As I was puffing happily away on my lung rocket, I watched the delivery man for the Sunbeam Bakery returning from inside the building, having dropped off the daily supply of white fluffy loaves of goodness. He had his dolly, loaded down with the empty crates most commonly used to deliver bread. He rolled it down the ramp and to the back of the truck, supposedly to load back into the truck so that he might be on his merry way, on to the next stop.

However, he did not unload and pack the dolly back into the truck. Instead, he got out his keys, got into the driver's seat, started the truck, put the gear in reverse, and started to back the truck up, presumably to finish up his morning deliveries. It was somewhat amusing to witness a big delivery truck, moving backwards, and pushing a dolly full of empty crates.

Luckily, prior to destruction of property, one of my fellow employees yelled out to the driver. Not once, not twice, but three times did my fellow corporate robot yell his objection to the driver trying to flatten his handheld means of delivery.

The driver got out of the truck and realizing his faux paus, thanked the guy for garnering his attention and keeping him form what could have potentially been a very bad situation.

This delivery man for the Sunbeam Bakery was an older gentleman, complete with white hair, and an obvious hearing impairment. He had to be in his mid - to - late 60's.

Which only proves one thing......there comes a time when retirement should become mandatory.
Trying to do the responsible thing, I went to bed early last night. Well, earlier than I normally do anyway. And that lasted all of about 10 minutes. Apparently, Paul Bunyan was in my bed and snoring in an symphonic manner. And Paul Jr. was there as well, almost matching the snores, note for note.
A few shifts in bed, a few swift kicks to their shins, to no avail. And since I could not drift off to slumber land while being audibly assaulted by a chainsaw and a buzz saw, I got back out of bed and found out once again that, no matter how many channels you get with cable service, there's never anything good on TV. So having stayed up much later than I had originally anticipated, I am paying the price now, groggy and grumpy.
Heard on the radio this morning that Clayton county currently has 40 active gangs. Being a former resident of Clayton county, this comes as a bit of a shock. I mean, I was aware of the occasional unsavory character wandering around, but you're going to find that anywhere. To have confirmed that there are 40 separate and autonomous organized gangs running the streets, committing acts of vandalism, violence, and larceny is very disconcerting. Even worse is the fact that even though I no longer reside in the county in question, I didn't move that far away. In fact, we only moved one county over. We still border Clayton county. How long before any of this gang activity spills over into Henry county? Hopefully, not before I've already cleared out of this area.
Friday, May 13, 2005
  Bad Ass Buggy
  Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the
course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to
complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended,
this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however,
realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express
your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list
of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have been provided so
that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an
effective manner.
  TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f*ck you're doing
  TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch
  TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late
INSTEAD OF: And when the f*ck do you expect me to do this?
  TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible
INSTEAD OF: No f*cking way
  TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh*ting me!
  TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh*t.
  TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f*ck ?
  TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f*cking problem
  TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh*t won't work
  TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?
  TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
NSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass
  TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh*t and die
  TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass
  TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F*ck it, I'm on salary
  TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass
  TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
  TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?
  TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive
INSTEAD OF: He's a prick
Thursday, May 12, 2005
  Setting up shop in India
A caucazoid friend of mine went to India back in 2003 and sent a couple of emails back home while he was there. The next couple of posts are his words, white boy from NC visiting a foreign land. Hope you found it as entertaining as I did.
  Update 1 from the other side of the World.........
That's right people I have made the 20 hour flight around the world and
touched down in Mumbai. So that's the first good thing.....flight
Although the time seem to go quick while I was in the air. Just wanted
send a quick note and let everybody know that I had made it and just a
of the things I have picked up on....

1-Business Class, the only way to fly. Lay day seats and my own TV
2-Had some time to catch a movie on the way over - 8 Mile (2X), Die
Day (2X), Rush Hour, 2 Week Notice, and a few episodes of Friends,
and Spin City(did I mention the 20 hr flight).
3-Airport - nothing more than a trap to get me lost and hot. I walked
and there were no lie about 1000 people all lined up behind a guard
waiting on people. My job....to find the one guy with my name on a
4-Sports over here........cricket 24 hours a day......other than that I
get to watch WWE in my room. Nice.....that's the only American sport I
send thus far (got an update on the Masters).
5-Heat - for those of you traveling over here.......HOT. I must be
on th equator in my room.......Hot last night when I get
hotter by the min. Let's see, it's 11am here and we have already
6 times about the heat and they finally brought in fans to keep us
6-Last but not least......Driving. Imagine a Sat. night race in
everywhere you go. I thought I could, but there is no way I would make
out alive. The do not value cars, bikes, mopeds, or pedestrians here
much as we do. The other thing I noticed last night on my ride in,
don't care much for headlights. Some cars have them, some don't. Does
seem to be a problem to anybody but me.

Oh well.....this is my update so far. We are not doing a whole lot
today so
I had time to write. I will try to give updates a long the way and a
pictures. Take care and I will see everybody in a few weeks.

  Update 2 from the other side of the World.........
First of all....to all the new people sorry I left your name off the
original e-mail. However thanks for the e-mails and notes. Sometimes
it is
hard for me to respond to all the e-mails because of time and the
system is
just real slow here. Anyway.......on with the fun. My latest
into the city.......

1-DRIVING - I feel that I have to touch on this again..........I'll put
to you this way......Chris Scronce half lit, smoking cigarettes,
reading a
newspaper doing 90mph on the way home from an ASU football game up I-90
Statesboro does not even come close to the experience of ridding around
here, Baloo can relate. These people have no sense of Pedestrian right
away....if your not a cow your in trouble. I almost ate it myself just
night. Stupid American crossed the street and looked right......too
bad all
the traffic was coming from the left. These people drive on the wrong
of the street.
2-SHOPPING - I went shopping last night for the 1st time, now that was
A girl here in the office (Veena) took us to the market. Let me tell
what, as soon as the Americans come out the prices went way up. It was
funny to watch this girl in action. She bartered and haggled
everything we
bought down to nothing. I watched her almost make a grown man cry
he was going to charge us to much. She went around for 10min and won
to get
us something for 60 rupees instead of 70 rupees. By the way, she saved
about 15 cents. But the experience was well worth it......
3-DRINKING - You knew it was only a matter of time. After all the
and dodging cars I was thirsty. So Venna took us to an authentic
Bar, The Hawaiian Shack. I'm not making this up.......it was something
right out of Gilligan's Island. Everybody wore Hawaiian shirts and the
music was all 80's all the time. Chris, you and I would live at this
Venna's husband, Clint (who by the way was named after none other than
Eastwood) meet us out and started a bunch of trouble. Beers, shots of
Tequila, mixed drinks and this is just what he ordered me. It got bad
towards the end. Oh we also had authentic Indian food........french
I know, I'm daring.
4- HEAT - just in case you were wondering.......it's still damn hot.
5- PICTURES - yea, I would love to send you guys some but blame Scronce
that one to. The digital camera works great.....it's just the down
to the laptop that causes a problem. Apparently the power supply to
plug in
the docking stations is nothing they have every scene here. Knocked
power out at the office.....twice. Knocked the power out in my hotel
room.......twice. People are starting to ask questions. So unless I
find a power supply and get these things on the laptop you may have to
until I make it home. We shall see......
So this weekend we are planning a few trips around the city and we are
to catch some of the nightlife. There should be many more stories and
after that. I can't wait and I will update asap. I hope everyone is
well and I will see you guys soon. Take care..............

  Update 3 from the other side of the World.........
Oh yes......I know you have all been waiting by your computers for the
update from my big adventure overseas. And by some of the response I
been getting (i.e from people I never even sent this to) I can tell my
audience is growing every update. I guess when I leave I will have to
the torch on to Steve Levren and Wolski to keep us entertained. So
just to
re-cap we have already covered Business Class, movies, the Airport,
heat, driving, bad driving, shopping, drinking, HEAT, and my pictures.
what does that leave in store for tonight???? Well....

1- Saturday excursions - went to the Gateway of India for a little
seeing. Pretty neat structure and interesting history. Worth a stop
if you
make it over this way. Saw my first snake charmer. That was fun....of
course I had no idea that's what he was when he called me over and
this basket down in front of him. As I looked over, he took the lid
off and
punched the basket and sure enough a King Cobra stood right up in front
me. Just a mental note......don't look in any more baskets. We also
to the market again for a little more shopping and stopped at another
authentic Indian restaurant......McDonalds. I had the McCurry deluxe,
McCurry fries, and a diet coke. Just kidding.....I could not
understand the
menu so I ordered fries. Also saw my 1st elephant walking down the
Something you don't see everyday.......tried to get a ride, but that
was a
no go. I have not giving up yet, but who knows may not happen.
2-Working nights 11pm - 7am - So of course I'm thinking this will be a
little easier because it will be cooler, less traffic, and quicker.
Well I
was wrong.......the first night we spent 30min. in a traffic
10:30pm!!!! I mean these people never sleep. They are just walking
talking and driving everywhere. And remember, so use lights and some
Another little added bonus. I asked my driver where everybody was
going....his reply "oh they going no where really, just out for a
WHAT???? At 10:30 at night......go home.
3- Food - ok there are 2 problems here......1- it's hard to find dishes
I like, because it is a little weird....2- if I do find something I
like and
order it again.....it taste totally different the second time. I can
get the same meal 2 times in a row. Every time I eat something it's
food for the very first time again. Hey, at least I'm loosing weight
the bikini season....right?

Well that's about all I can think of for now.....my schedule is a
off because we are working night, but the guys in the office are
things to do this weekend. I'm sure that will be interesting.....look
the next update. If something big happens before then I'm sure I will
it down.
  Update 4 from the other side of the World.........
Well fans....this may be my finally update from this side of the
planet. I
leave this week for Paris and unless something happens over the next 2
I will give the next update in person. Now I know what you are
saying..."what about this weekend in Paris?" Well there is a chance
Thierry and I will have some thoughts and updates to send along so who
knows. As for this update lets get started. Had my last weekend here
Mumbai and wanted to take it kind of easy and relax by the pool.....I
didn't, but I wanted to. Actually Sat. that is just what I
up the sun and relaxed......Sunday, well that was a different story.
friend Herbier picked me up from the hotel and took me over to his
house for
drinks. This is where I discovered.....

1-KingFisher Beer - a true Indian beer and a favorite of the locals.
when in India do like the locals. So I had a my first KingFisher
Strong. I
didn't want to start with the weak stuff so I jumped right in feet
So after my tall (most of the beers come in 22oz bottles) we went to
meet up
with some of the other guys.
2-Driving Finally - Yep....tried my had a driving, but not on the
we meet up with the guys at the local go-cart track. Now get this I
out this is the only place in India with driving rules. Yep, got black
flagged for driving to fast. I told this guy he should head out to the
streets and tell those people to slow down. I don't think he
understood me.
So after the race which I think I won it was back to the hotel for
celebration and happy hour.
3-Happy Hour - another round of KingFisher's for Rohit, Suhki, and
myself........then off to dinner. Where we had different items from to
buffet and more KingFisher beer. Now after all this Rohit and Suhki
it was time to round out my trip to Mumbai so it's off to the club.
4-Clubs in India - Very loud music, smokey, and more KingFisher beer so
was happy. We got there around 10:30pm and had a beer......did a
people watching and found a seat. Very interesting place and more
beer. We
had a good time....talked to some people, laughed a little, had a good
In the end we just had more beer. So around 1am on%2
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
  Wake up and potty!!!
The following information is being told to you as it was reported to me. I was not actually there.

About two weeks ago while sitting at my desk at work in the morning, I received a phone call from my wife. This call was to inform me that junior had “pee-peed on the potty”. Now this would have been enough to be considered good news, but the events leading up to this momentous occasion make it hysterical.

Sometime after I had left for work in the morning, but prior to my wife waking up, junior decided it was time to take matters into his own hands. Groggily rolling over, trying to rub the sleep out of her eyes, Kristi sees this figure standing over her, holding something.

Realizing that this “figure” standing over her was actually her son, she snapped to attention when she finally recognized what it was that he was holding in his hands. Holding, with outstretched arms, the diaper that he had managed to escape from like a modern day Houdini, he was standing naked on the bed uttering the word “potty”.

More concerned with not getting peed on than with potty training at this point (and who can blame her) Kristi jumps out of bed, grabbing the boy under the arms, being careful to aim him away from her body, and bounds towards the bathroom.

She sets naked boy on the toilet with a sigh of relief that there was no unnecessary plant watering on the trip to the loo, and waits for him to do his business. Well, he grunts and groans and strains, and…….nothing happens. But he grabs the toilet paper, throws it in the toilet, turns around and flushes and then slides off of the seat.

Well no sooner had the Waterboy turned away from the toilet then he felt that this was now the appropriate time to let loose with all of the stored up liquids from within. Luckily, Mommy was still close by, so the bathroom rug only got a little saturated. She picked him up and put him in front of the toilet, his feet actually being supported by the bowl, and let’s just say that aim was not a prime directive here, but a lofty goal.

When all was said and done, the rug is damp, the bowl is splashed, and Mommy is frazzled (remember, this is how she was awoken) and Connor, with a big old grin, starts to clap, applauding himself at the accomplishment.

It was one of those days where I was actually glad I was at work.
Monday, May 09, 2005
  Inappropriate usage........

...but more than likely, one of many uses I could find if I actually had a lightsaber in my possession.
Saturday, May 07, 2005
  some wedding pics

  Three amigos and mom
  Three amigos
  swingset.....a black tie affair

  wrong vehicle
Friday, May 06, 2005
  Ice Cold Beer!! Damn shame you can't actually drink it!
And I know that I'm not the only one to unsuspectingly open up the freezer to find such a sight.

And what did we learn today.........??????
Frozen beer makes the reverend cry.
Thursday, May 05, 2005

Make sure the Tequila bottle is full, ice down the Corona, and start slicing the limes, becuase it's the 5th of May!
What better way to celebrate Mexican's whoopin' up on the French waaaaaaaay back in 1862 than to wear a sombrero, eat some tostados, and drink mexican beer?
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
  Toilet Bowl Restaurant - The chef is a whiz!
A restaurant in Taiwan with a modern decor and a full-on toilet theme. The thorough implementation includes toilet chairs, urinal sconces, and even commode shaped serving pieces. Probably not the best place to bring a child in potty training...

Toilet Bowl
Taipei Metro, Hsinpu Station, Exit 1
(02) 8253-7767

Sounds great until the hostess offers to push your stool in....

"When you eat our food, urine heaven!"

"What's on the PooPoo Platter?"

"whatever you had yesterday, of course"
  Looks like we got ourselves a convoy
Griz is driving some sort of convertible sports car and is in the lead. Mom and Dad are bringing up the rear in a sedan. Andy's driving the school-bus-like van in between the two. All three vehicles are tearing down the hot, dusty highway. I'm not sure where we are or where we are headed. I'm even less sure why, in the seat behind me, is a person named Kevin that looks strikingly familiar.

I can't really tell who else is on the van, but I do know that it is packed. Standing room only. Strangely enough, I am standing.

As we pass a roadside flea market, I hear someone shout out "that looks like a good one"! And as I turn to lay eyes on what might possibly be a "good one", I find my brain processing our van careening out of the path of the soon to be multiple car pile up on the road in front of us.

As the van swerves to avoid the metal carnage, my body is sent flying towards one of the windows. But instead of smacking into it, causing great bodily harm, I can see all the correct angles. Almost "Matrix" like, I slide through the window, past the smoking tires, hitting the dirt shoulder of the road and rolling until I come to a stop, face down on the dusty ground.

Picking myself up, I walk towards the vegetable stand to purchase two tomatoes. As I am reaching for my wallet, I hear the horns of the caravan as they are rolling on down the road, away from the produce vendor. But the horns never stop. The cars keep getting further and further away, but the horns get louder.

Then I rolled over, turned off the annoying BEEP of the alarm clock, got out of bed, and headed for the shower.
Monday, May 02, 2005
  The writing's on the wall...
And below you will see the difference between men and women, not that it's a huge shock or anything
  Boy's night out
  Girl's night out
  Switch hitter
Still haven't figured out if he's right-handed or left-handed
  Summer fun
  From Brandy, by way of the wife
Women's Prayer
> > Before I lay me down to sleep,
> > I pray for a man who's not a creep.
> > One who's handsome, smart and strong.
> > One who loves to listen long.
> > One who thinks before he speaks.
> > Says he'll call, and won't wait weeks.
> > I pray that he is gainfully employed.
> > When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
> > Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
> > Massages my back and begs to do more.
> > Oh, send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
> > Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
> > I pray that this man will love me to no end,
> > And never attempt to hit on my friend. Amen.
> >
> > Man's Prayer
> > I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a
>liquor store and a boat. Amen
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Location: Salisbury, North Carolina, United States

Kevin O'Mellan (Whittington Appraisals): Appraiser in Salisbury, Rowan County, North Carolina

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