Random & Incoherent
Monday, January 31, 2005
  Just another Enron joke
Friday, January 28, 2005
  Performance review
Well, it was that time of year. Time for the boss man to review my performance for the last half of 2004.
The upside is that all of the commitments that I was charged with over the course of the year had been met consistently. Yeah. 100% compliance with the corporate mandate as it had been handed down to me.

The only criticisms were voiced in what was referred to as necessary "behavior modifications". This nomenclature was utilized because, according to my boss, he doesn't like to use the word criticism. He thinks it has a negative connotation.
Apparently he doesn't understand the thought process behind "constructive criticism".

According to him I "should focus more on being persuasive and less sarcasm in his communications. Needs to improve perception of peers and upper mgt when in joint meetings, etc", as well as "focus on a win win situation".

I guess this means that I don't play well with others from a corporate politics standpoint.

It has been stated that the only way for me to move up in this corporate world is to play the political game and rid myself of a trademarked sarcastic personality trait.

Apparently, one cannot just show up and do their damn job to the best of their abilities (and sometimes beyond) and expect to move up the corporate ladder.

I say to hell with red tape, corporate politics, and officer brown-nosing.

Simple edict that would benefit any work environment: 1) show up 2) do your damn job.
But I guess that's not good enough in today's world. You've got to say the right thing to the right people at the right time, not make any enemies, and make sure everyone else is happy.

Good thing I have PLAN B.
Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Above you will see a rendition, as depicted by South Park, of a 4 assed monkey. What possible use could there be for a monkey to have 4 asses, you might ask? Absolutely no use whatsoever. I am using this to demonstrate the uselessness of certain people. When someone is referred to as an "assmonkey", you will now have a visual reference to call upon, and you will be able to equate "assmonkey" with "useless person".

But then again, make any reference you want to. What do I care. Ya bunch of assmonkies.
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
  Automotive 101
Monday, January 24, 2005
  Freakin' Monkey
My wife had left for the afternoon to run some errands. This left me at home in charge of the 2 year old. No problem. This scenario has presented itself many times before. Nap time had rolled around, which would afford me the time to take a shower, check my email, and get some laundry started.

I took junior up to his room, made sure he had the necessary nap time items, placed him in his crib, turned out the light, closed the door, and went to check my email.

I heard the boy cry and shift and rumble for about ten minutes, and then silence. As good a time as any to go and take a shower.

I had just finished rinsing the shampoo out of my hair and was washing the soap out of my eyes when I turned and looked through the glass shower door. Normally when this happens, all I would see would be a reflection of myself in the mirror. But no. What I saw couldn't be happening.

As I said, my wife had left to run errands. The garage door was down and locked. The doors leading into the house were dead-bolted shut. The only two people in the house were myself and junior.

At this point I think I might be seeing things. When did I piss the leprechauns off enough for them to invade my house and interrupt my shower? The flying monkeys from "Wizard of Oz" had come to life and were stalking me. Mini-Me wanted to feed my body to sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads.

No, No, No.

It was my mini-me. Junior had managed to climb his way to the top of his crib, scale down the outside, close every bedroom door on the second floor, find his way into the master bathroom, and have the cojones to look innocent.

This has been described to me as every parents nightmare. The day their young one learns how to escape their parent made prison. And as I learned throughout the rest of the day, this was not a fluke. This was not a heave-ho throw myself out of the crib and hope I don't hurt myself landing.

I timed him. It takes him less than 30 seconds to free himself from imprisonment. And unlike Houdini escaping from a straight jacket, junior does this silently with the grace of feline.

So now, we just need to decide how we're going to handle this new little bit of exciting news. I can feel the grey hair sprouting now.
  The other white meat
  Mother Freakin' Nature
Let's preface this with saying that I live in the South-Eastern United States and this in no way compares to the mid-west, North, Canada, etc. Let's also keep in mind that this time last week, once a person stepped foot from the comfort of their home, office, restaurant, etc., the temperature was in the high 60's - low 70's.

I felt the chill in the air even before I opened the door to leave for work this morning. Luckily there was no ice on the windshield of the car. Had there been, it would have involved an ice scraper and the defrost. This would only take about an extra 10 minutes, but would have led to my inevitable duel with the corporate timeclock.

My automobile is equipped with a digital readout that registers the temperature outside of the car. Well, when I got in the car this morning, there was no readout. In iridescent green, the only thing that I saw where there should have been a number somewhere in the 40-50 range, was the word "ice".

"Ice". It was so cold this morning that the computer inside my vehicle did not register temperature. Apparently Ford did not count on it getting below 20 and the computer was not programmed with a proper response. As I already stated, there was no ice, but my car felt like telling me that there was indeed "ice".

Once I actually got moving, the readout changed to 20. One thing that I have noticed about the temperature readout in my car is that it is consistently about 5-7 degrees higher than what the actual temperature tends to be. So that means it was actually 15 degrees.

There's a reason I live in the south. A reason I moved from the North. A reason I won't be moving back to the North. I'm not a big fan of weather that can be described as "chilly", "frigid", or as of today "ice".

This is more of a shock based on my earlier statement that this time LAST WEEK, it was in the 70's!

Screw it. I'm moving to Mexico.
Friday, January 21, 2005
  Double Entendre
Or what I like to call "fun with words"

A buddy of mine, in the normal course of business, was working with a customer. This customer's name was Miss Virgin.

Miss Virgin happens to have a residence on Black Cox Rd.

Now what I don't understand is how one can remain a virgin while staying on black cox.

Maybe she's just well practiced in other areas.
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
  Black on black (fashion) crime
You would think that someone fashion conscious enough to pair black shoes with black pants with a black shirt and a black belt would undoubtedly finish off his ensemble with black socks.
You would be wrong.
This "man in black", who incidentally happens to be black, actually wore white socks.
Even the snappiest of dressers has that one fatal flaw.
Just doesn't make sense to me. And this is coming from someone with a distinct lack of fashion sense. But even I know that you don't wear white socks in a situation as described above.
Just goes to show, if I spent more time actually working, I probably wouldn't notice these things.
  Be all that you can be
  Light at the end of the tunnel
The wife's two week trade show is almost over. Only 2 more days. Then she might actually get some sleep and the only negative personality she will be forced to be around would be mine. Commission only sales can be a great way to make a living, but it can also drive one straight to the looney bin, or more likely to a counseling session. Take into account changes in economics, dumb ass retail store owners and inappropriately timed sales meetings and it's enough to make a person eat nothing but pork rinds for dinner 5 days in a row.
It'll be nice to have things back to normal. Bitchy for the sake of bitchy or due to reactions from my insensitivity, not from lackluster sales or rude customers, or lack of food and sleep.
Nest week should be nice.
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
  The Wiggles and me
  Captain's log
  A New Hope
No, it's not Star Wars. It's the start of a new beginning. Looking back on New Year's Eve I realized that I can't remember the last time I actually made a resolution. At a minimum, it's been 5 years since the last "New Year's Resolution". Inconsequential considering the fact that I can't remember what is was anyway.
I don't consider this to be a resolution. Statistics show that the majority of people give up on their resolutions after just a few weeks. What I'm doing is planning for the future and making the sacrifices and changes necessary to better myself and my family.
I started a course on Real Estate Appraisal last night. This course runs 6 weeks, meeting Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evenings and Saturday afternoons. At the end of this course (after passing the exams) I will be certified to appraise real estate. At the end of a 2000 hour apprenticeship, I will be licensed to appraise real estate.
Whoop de freakin' doo, right? Well, consider this: people and their need for shelter is not going to go away. Whether it is buying, selling, refinancing, divorce, etc., real estate will have a need to be appraised. And I will be licensed to do so.
Also keep in mind that this is a profession that allows for mobility. It's referred to as reciprocity of states. Unlike a realtor who would need to take another exam and get licensed again if they moved to a different state, I can roll on, my certifications flowing with me.
This will afford me an opportunity to get out from under the corporate rule AND the big city that I no longer wish to be a part of.
So here's to me for making a decision and willing to make a change.
And here's to those of you out there that believe in me and wish me success.
And finally, here's to my bank account, which I have been neglecting for way too long. Mister bank account, I plan on feeding you a buffet of cash to make you big and strong.
Monday, January 17, 2005
  King of Beers
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
  Retro style
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
  How was your weekend?
As is inevitable, on of the first questions you hear upon returning to work after any kind of break is "how was your weekend"? Nobody really cares. They're just making conversation while waiting on the elevator. The obligatory response is "fine, and yours"?

Well, if you care or don't care, I'm gonna tell ya anyway.

Got out of the shower Friday morning (6:30 A.M.) to find my wife hunched over the toilet violently vomiting (due to the repeated use of the phrase "violently vomiting" I'm going to substitute "VV"). I left for work, to be bombarded by the same asinine redundant "project" that I have been assigned to for the last year. Receiving numerous phone calls throughout the morning and early afternoon from wife stating more VV.

Last phone call regarding VV was at 2:00. I left the office early (2:30) so that I could be a good husband and go home and take care of my wife.

My wife will be the first to tell you that my bedside manner regarding sickness is not what would be referred to as top notch. I make sure that the lights are out, you have your medicine, the TV is off or at a low volume, you're as comfortable as possible, then I leave. Hell, I don't want to catch whatever the hell it is that you have.

Normally a member of the family being sick would not be an issue. Just another sick day. But with wifey's trade show starting on Tuesday, Friday is not a good time to be coming done with a mysterious illness. Backstory: The same thing happened last year, except the order of occurrence was different. First it was junior, then me, then the wife. One right after the other.

Last thing we wanted was for the entire house to be sick. Ever try to keep a 2 year old away from his mother? It ain't easy. They don't understand the concept of "mommy's sick". They don't understand that they can't be in the same room because you don't want them to get sick as well.

Went to the pharmacy to pick up the called-in prescription to try and ease the nausea and help her sleep and possible eat something without having said meal spewed back at great force and projectile accuracy.

All day Saturday wife stays in bed, trying to sleep, recover, eat, and generally feel better.

Saturday night.
Junior has been in bed sleeping for about 3 hours when this weird noise starts emanating from his room. Not the normal "I'm awake come and get me" noises. Not really whimpering. Kind of a cross between crying, whimpering, and gargling. And my immediate thought is "shit"! Now he's got it too. Luckily, after having consulted the pediatrician on call, we were advised to share mommy's medicine (at a lower dosage) with the boy. So I leave the two of them to sleep in our room and head downstairs to make myself comfortable on the couch.

I don't care how happily married you are, invest in a comfortable couch. You never know for what reason or for how long you may end up sleeping on it.

Sunday everybody's starting to feel a bit better. I got lucky and did not get sick this time. Must have been all of the alcohol ingested that kept the germs at bay and allowed me to carry on through the medical ward that my house had become.

Monday and it's back to work, back to daycare. Normalcy sets back in. And the inevitable question is asked, "How was your weekend"?

And I answered.

"Fine, and yours"?

Monday, January 10, 2005
  No theme, just bad ass
Sunday, January 09, 2005
  It does a body good
Saturday, January 08, 2005
  Apple's next big thing
  Where in the world is Kevin?
This doesn't really have anything to do with the aforementioned themes, I was just bored and this was funny for me
  The new Cingular: Raising the bar
  Verizon's new campaign against the "Dancing Jerry"
The "Dancing Jerry" post has spawned a little friendly competition between myself and Jerry. Raj might even post from time to time, just to keep things interesting! Currently, I've been using the GIMP for all of the photo manipulations that I have been working on. Jerry has been using Photoshop and I think that Raj will be doing the same. Moving forward, just so everyone's on the same page, there are three separate themes that we will be utilizing. Jerry has an "around the world by postcard" kind of theme going, I'm utilizing current advertising, and Raj may be using album covers or something similar. I plan on posting the manipulated photos here for viewing.

Just think, all it took was a little boredom and a couple of photos to get this started. Let's see wherre it goes from here.
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Location: Salisbury, North Carolina, United States

Kevin O'Mellan (Whittington Appraisals): Appraiser in Salisbury, Rowan County, North Carolina

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