Random & Incoherent
This is going to make "ministering" somewhat hypocritical
How evil are you?
Disabled List, updated
Having left the scene of the wedding early Sunday to be able to attend a children's birthday party, Parker made the mistake of getting a little too close to a toddler with a broomstick. Parker got smacked in the face with a metal broomstick, the result of which was 47 stitches.
Adam, being the athlete that he is, was involved in a kickball game. Sliding into first, he tore most of the skin off of his kneecap. And this time they ALMOST
got into another fight. I never knew that kickball was such a violent sport.
And around 10 P.M. Monday night, as I was walking down the hall, having failed to turn any of the lights on, tried to turn the corner prior to there being a corner. Needless to say, I walked forehead first into the wall leaving a nice little bump above my right eye.
Glory Glory, Hallelujah!
Having been to two weddings in two weeks, I started thinking about ways to cut cost, hassle, aggravation, yet still maintain a feeling of family, friends, and fellowship.
So I went to the Universal Life Church Website
and got myself ordained.
That's right, I'm now a man of the cloth. And being one of these guys allows me to officiate over marriage, among other things.
So if anybody's planning on getting married, be sure to keep me in mind, I've always enjoyed a good wedding and an open bar.
Can't take you people anywhere!
You try and go out of town, dress up, play nice, and hope to have a good time. Well, we all got out of our respective towns. We all dressed up (I'll give credit for the $0.50 sport coat). Given the stress level, we even managed to play nice. But as for the good time, it's all relative.
Sure everybody got on the boat, danced and drank. Went to a fabulous wedding, ate, danced, and drank. But it's what happened during and after that makes it so amazing.
On the way into town, Gary ran over some road debris which punctured the oil pan of his car. That car had to go to the mechanic.
Right before the reception, a woman stepped wrong, twisting and breaking her ankle, landing her in Carteret General Hospital.
Prior to the wedding, Connor had smacked his head upside a boat rail, turning his ear black and leaving one hell of a blood blister. Then at the reception, he took a headlong dive off of the stairs resulting in what can only be described as a black goose egg on his forehead.
Leaving the reception, Griz, in all her grace and high heels, took a wrong step that landed her face down, dress up on the asphalt. Learning later, after a trip to the hospital when they were actually supposed to be picking up their car from the mechanic, that she had broken her shoulder. Girl goes 30+ years with no broken bones. Goes to one wedding in NC and ends up in a sling.
Ryan, fresh from his honeymoon, winds up with bronchitis and walking pneumonia. And if that shit is contagious and in my house, Ill drive my sick self to Raleigh and put a hurtin' on ya!
Rex and Angel's baby has some mystery illness complete with fever.
Kay's allergies hit full force as she was leaving town Sunday, and you could barely understand a word she uttered through the gravel that was in her throat.
Marilyn locked the keys in the car as they were trying to leave town, extending their trip as they had to wait for a locksmith.
Brandy was constitutionally unsound for the majority of the morning and mid-afternoon.
I think I covered all of the major happenings. If I missed something, let me know and I will make an amendment to this diatribe.
Next weekend, I want everyone to stay in bed, under the covers. Don't even answer the phone or peek out the windows. Who knows what malady is out there waiting for you.
I'm the guy they're after
Apparently I have a look about me that just screams "danger". When in reality, "Danger"'s my middle name.
I have flown out of The Hartsfield-Douglas International Airport (Atlanta) twice in the past two weeks. Both times, I have arrived at the airport at the same time, wearing almost the same clothing. In essence, I have not altered any patterns or done anything, I thought, to arouse any suspicions.
But low and behold, something about my mild-mannered appearance says, "hey, maybe we should stop this guy and see if he's got and contraband". I was singled out, both times, for the old metal detector walk through, metal detector wand over, and pat down by a man wearing rubber gloves and grinning inappropriately. And the first question that is asked of me is "do you have a lighter?".
Do I have a lighter?
Under normal circumstances, I would have had to answer in the affirmative. But luckily for me I had heard about the ban on lighters the FAA deemed necessary. So my only answer out loud was "negatory, good buddy, I done heard you folks weren't allowing lighters onto planes these days".
But in my mind I was saying "you can have my lighter when you pry it from my cold dead hands".
Shouldn't we be concentrating more on the gas powered weed eater or maybe even the more undetectable ceramic knives?
What am I gonna do? Set the seats of the plane ablaze and demand that they turn the plane around and head to Aruba?
Unfortunately for me, I also have the same problem with State Highway Patrol Officers. They take one look at me in my khaki pants and golf shirt and decide that they need back-up, calling for the drug sniffing dogs to search my vehicle. But that's a different story altogether.
This is for Trey and Jo
How to get married in North Carolina for under $100
The ceremony is conducted for $20.00. In fact, it is unlawful for a magistrate to charge anything more.
The marriage license fee is $50.00
I found this information at the following site: North Carolina Magistrates Association
So you combine the two costs and you are officially wed for $70.00. I know that Trey already owns a suit, and I've seen JoEllen in a dress, so the only other expense might be some flowers, and I'm pretty sure you could get a nice bouquet for under $30.00.
So there it is and there you have it. One "no frills wedding" for under a hundred clams.
Things to do today
Men's Warehouse pick up tuxedos for wedding this weekendKroger pick up prescriptions that were phoned in yesterdayAutoZone purchase spark plugs for an '83 Mustang (6 cylinder) purchase a hand held pump siphonUncle's house drop off portable DVD player for their upcoming tripHome laundry
collect trash from house and deposit into receptacle
load and run dishwasher
Too many men left alone without direction, but plenty of beer
Pay no attention to the people that are in the photo. This is for reference purposes only.
During the course of My friend Rene's wedding day, the wedding party was all asked to come down to the boat to lend a helping hand. Once we had all gathered on the deck of the Titanic and submitted the question, "what can we do to help?", an answer of "you can help by getting off my boat" was rendered. Basically this meant that the mother of the bride wanted the women folk to help out with decorating decisions and she didn't want any of the men folk around to screw it up.
Having offered our services, and having had them rejected, 5 of us decided that this would be a good time to take a stroll around town. I only had one mission handed down to me from my wife: pick up a couple bottles of champagne to take to the bride-to-be as she was getting ready for the night's festivities. And let me just say that, the local convenience store is not the best place to look for such items. Although, they did have some kick-ass trucker caps, lighters, beer coozies, etc.
Walking in what we thought was the direction of the nearest grocery store, we happened upon a vehicle rental place. I don't mean Hertz, Thrifty, Alamo. This is a small beach town. These were beach rentals: scooters, kayaks, bicycles, etc. Small talk with the shop keeper led to us having pricing and time limits defined for the various rental equipment that was available. We wanted something that would carry the 5 of us around town without having to apply for a loan to do so.
From a monetary feasibility standing, as well as a liability waiver signing standpoint, our only option was a bicycle buggy as pictured above. The only difference between what is pictured and what we rented was we only had two rows of seats to fit the 5 of us. So, $20 and one waiver signing later, off we go to the next stop: grocery store.
My only job is to procure 2 bottles of champagne. We walked out with 2 bottles of champagne, 1 bottle of Boone's Farm (I don't recall what flavor, but it was blue), 5 various tall boy beers (24 ounce, as opposed to 12 for those that don't know), 1 pack of cigarettes, and an American flag. Our hour of bicycle buggy enjoyment had just gotten started.
We attach the flag to the front of the buggy, because we're nothing if not patriotic, light up the smokes, but the beer into little paper bags, crack said beer open, and start peddling back to the hotel to drop of the bottles of champagne. We have to pass by the boat to get to the hotel. Luckily, I happened to have a pocket sized air horn with me (don't ask, that's a different story). So, as we peddle through oncoming traffic, swerving potholes and pedestrians, I let loose with a blast of the horn. This was more than significant to garner the attention of anyone within 100 yards. So now all of the afore mentioned women folk gather together on the boat to see what the noise was. Lo and behold, it's their very own husband/boyfriend/friend. And with a look from that collective group that could only be described as "what are these idiots doing now?" we continue on our journey back to the hotel.
Having made our way back to lodging and dropped off the bottles, we proceed to roll around town, giving the occasional toot of the air horn, still trying not to get run over by larger vehicles. And being in this buggy, even a Yugo is a bigger vehicle. Adam's steering with Gary in front as the brake man. I'm in the back in the middle (where there are no peddles) as dead weight with Whitt and Dave on either side of me.
Where's Dirty? Sleeping. He didn't join in any of the reindeer games. I believe that man slept about 18 hours that day, awaking in just enough time shower, dress, and make it to the wedding.
Having exhausted our need for speed, but not our time limit on the rental, we return to the shop to see what else we could use to make fools of ourselves. Well, due to liability issues and a lack of dogged negotiations, all we ended up doing was turning the buggy back in a half hour early. And this was fine with everyone. Not a one of us could remember the last time we had actually peddled a bike and we're not what you would call the most athletic people in the world.
At this point, 3 out of 5 beers have been finished and the empties disposed of properly. As we are walking to our next destination, a new-looking shiny police car pulls up, preventing us from walking across the street. Apparently, it's illegal to walk around this beach community while enjoying a tasty adult beverage. And since this was a cop, and not a rocket scientist, he had to make sure that the cans that were held by two of us were actually beer. I believe it was stated as such: "I know that you boys are going to tell me that that's not beer in your hands". "No sir!" As the cans turn at a 90 degree angle and the remaining contents spill out and down the storm sewer conveniently located under foot.
While it might not be legal to be drunk in public, it's perfectly legal to be drunk in a bar. So we decided we'd had enough of public.
With all of the alcohol gone now, and the empties placed in the trash, we bid farewell to the generous police officer (it could have resulted in a $125 fine each)and continued walking to our final destination of the afternoon: The Tiki Bar.
Boat pics....oh yeah, from the wedding
Please forgive the quality, it was dark, I was using a camera phone, and I'd had a few drinks. Anyway, mazeltov!
Even Stormtroopers cut loose every now and then
One still photo before he really rocks out!
I said "Who's your dark overload?"!
Adam McConnell was kind enough to point me in the direction of how to get firedas posted on www.thephatphree.com50 top ways to get fired!
Are you tired of slaving away for that shithead boss who's 14-year-old niece could probably do his job better. Are you sick of those co-workers who come to your desk every day and ask to borrow pencils and staples when your cubicle is right next to the supply closet. Do you wish you didn't have to hide in the shitter and sleep on a roll of toilet paper to pass the time at your boring job? Well, we here at the Phat Phree feel your pain. This month’s installment of the Top 50 list is full of ways to quickly get yourself out of that crappy, dead-end job.
50. The Auctioneer
Sell office items on ebay. "Hey Mr. Jones, I need your chair. Some guy in Boston bought it for 85 bucks... You believe that? Don't worry; I'll cut you in. How's 80/20 sound? It's only fair since I did the all work."
49. The Cookout
Cook your lunch on a charcoal grill you brought into your cubicle. Slaughtering the pig at your desk before you fabricate and cook it, wouldn't hurt either.
48. The Happy Birthday
When a birthday card is being passed around the office to be signed, instead of signing “Happy Birthday”, sign, “I will taste your flesh.”
47. The J - E - W
When your boss enters your office while you are on the phone, quickly wrap up the call with, “I'm gonna have to call you later. The J - E - W is back.”
46. The Worm
Store live bait in the refrigerator with a price tag. When confronted, ask how much they want. Then when they insist you remove it, deny having put it there, and get angry at the implication.
45. The Dreamcatcher
Send out a play-by-play email detailing the dream you had about Suzy the temp, the boss' teenage daughter and your ex-girlfriend. The more descriptive and lewd the details the better. Make sure to focus how depraved the boss' daughter was.
44. The Material Girl
Tape the paper cones from the water cooler onto your chest and sing "Material Girl" at the top of your lungs into a stapler. Refuse to stop.
43. The Switcheroo
Repeatedly change your boss' homepage to farmgirls.com, and then put a repair request into the IT department from his email.
42. The Ma Fratelli
Take whatever money you have in your pocket and make B&W copies of the bills on the office copy machine while laughing manically and repeating, “It’s too fucking easy…”
41. The Elephant
Walk around the office with your pockets out and your cock dangling from your open zipper. When confronted, make an elephant noise and then chase them around screaming, "STAMPEDE" and laughing hysterically.
40. The Sex Chair
Insist your coworkers smell your chair, repeatedly saying that it smells like sex. Constantly comment about how hard it is to concentrate with the sweet smell of sex in the air.
*Having an erection the whole time really sells this one.
39. The Racist
When your office manager posts the State affirmative action laws, saunter over to them, read them out loud, stopping to laugh after each, then turn around and say quite loudly, "Yeah right. We'd be outta business in a month.”
38. The Halloween Boss
On Halloween, come in piss drunk and dressed like your boss (doesn't matter man or woman). Walk around the office slurring your words and repeatedly insist, "I am the boss! Look at me!" Be sure to piss yourself and fire anyone who crosses you.
37. The Resume Shocker
Print out your resume on the office printer and leave it there. Next to your current job, list your duties as “two in the pink, one in the stink.”
36. The Old 86er
When a woman in the office takes orders for Girl Scout cookies, put down “86” by your name. Then when the order for 86 boxes of cookies comes in, look confused and tell her that you were just “86”ing the idea that you'd buy Girl Scout cookies from her daughter. Then tell her that the wrinkles around her eyes are making her look old.
35. The Health Plan Brunch
When the company is having a doughnut brunch to explain their new health insurance plan, ask, “So, which STDs are covered by this policy? Does a new outbreak of herpes count as a pre-existing condition? What if it's a form of hepatitis that is not currently found in the USA, but you can only get it from Russian prisons and Malaysian teen prostitutes? You know, that kind that causes the pus blisters on your hands? What would be my deductible?” Then touch everybody’s doughnuts.
34. The Jesus Hates Vending Machines
Punch a hole through the vending machine and steal all the candy. When they ask you why you did it, tell them you had a very good reason: you killed the vending machine because it was a homosexual.
33. The Three's Company
Tell your boss that you’re the star of the company, and you demand 10% of the gross profits, and they could never continue without you.
32. The Baby Talker
Communicate with your coworkers only in baby talk. "Baby wanna status report... aww goochie goochie. Baby smells poopy."
31. The Scalper
Send out an e-mail asking "Is there anyone that would like Free tickets to tonight’s NBA Game?" Reply to all inquiries with "Yeah, me too"
30. The Dartboard
Hang a dartboard up and in the center of it, hang a photo of an underwear model from the Sears catalog. Title the photo your boss' little package.
29. The Skeptic
Anytime you are in a meeting, raise your hand and and ask your boss, "What makes you so smart?" or "How’d you figure that Einstein?" or "You come up with that all by yourself, champ?"
28. The Sales Opportunity
If someone tries soliciting candy for one of their kid's fund raising endeavors, just tell them the following, "No thanks, but have your kid talk to me if they want to make some "REAL money." Then just sit there rubbing your lap over and over smiling.
27. The Prank Page
Make prank calls to the receptionist and have her page you for a phone call. Then hang up. Immediately call back and call her an incompetent whore. When she pages you again, hang up. Then go up to the front and scream at her in person. After you slap her around a bit, let her in on the joke.
26. The Diaper
Brag about how much more work you've gotten done since you started wearing Depends. Lie down on top of your desk and change yourself periodically throughout the day. Talk to yourself in the baby voice while you do it, "You are a good boy. A BIG boy too. Look at you." Leave the soiled diapers in your regular trash.
25. The Takagi
Tell your boss you hope he gets "Takagi-ed" one of these days. When he finds out what this means, you'll be on your way.
24. The Birthday Dick
For your boss' birthday get him a cake that reads, "Happy Birthday Dick." Explain that it was a mix up at the bakery. Then write "Happy Birthday Dick" on his card.
*If his name is actually Dick, get a cake that says, "Happy Birthday Vagina."
23. The Christmas Gift
Give the hottest girl in the office a crotchless teddy for Christmas, and give everyone else a photo of you masturbating.
22. The Email Guy
The next time you get a phone call, smash your phone to pieces on your desk. If anybody questions it say, “I'm more of an email guy”.
21. The Tattoo
Get a giant tattoo of the boss' naked wife on your chest. The show it off to her at the Christmas party.
20. The Most Annoying Thing of All Time
Do not leave any room, at any time, without first saying, "Seacrest Out."
19. The Windowless Van
Tell your secretary that the only way she can keep her job is "if you touch me where my bathing suit goes." Then asker if she wants to see the airbrushed desert mural on your conversion van.
18. The Moviefone Guy
If you’re working as an operator for 911, answer all your calls in the Moviefone guy voice. "Hello, and thank you for calling 911. What is your emergency? For murder, press one. For a house fire press two. For car accident press three. For all other emergencies, press 5." Then transfer them to Moviefone.
17. The Wet Nurse
Breast-feeding your co-workers is NEVER acceptable. I know, strange, but true.
16. The Valet
Park your car in your cubicle.
15. The Turbo and Ozone
Set a fire. Then breakdance. When they ask you why you're break dancing, say that the sign said “In case of fire, break dance.” When they tell you that the sign actually said, “In case of fire, break glass,” tell them you panicked because of the fire.
14. The Fredo
Arrive at work early and hide under your boss' desk. When the boss arrives, do nothing but hide for the first three hours. Then roll up his pants so slowly he doesn't notice. Then lick his shin. After he finishes freaking out and asks you what the hell you're doing, tell him that he's crazy, and that you have no idea what he’s talking about. Do the “screws loose” gesture with your hands, and then kiss him on the mouth and say, "You broke my heart."
13. The Cotton Mouth
Stare at your coworkers and lick your lips sensually. Do this until someone asks you what your problem is. Then, matter of factly explain that your mouth is dry because of all the "nose candy."
12. The Breath Police
Interrupting the managing director's morning monologue by making a police siren sound at the top your lungs. Then say, "Breath Police... I don't mean to be mean, but someone needs some Listerine! You're stank mouth is kickin' up a gail in this muthafucker."
11. The Come On Down
Bring a little television into your cubicle and watch the Price is Right everyday, cheering loudly. Be sure to call bullshit when you guess wrong, and insist you could get that item cheaper at any grocery store in America.
10. The Lunch Break
Announce that it is time for lunch, then pull out a bottle of bourbon and a bong.
9. The Candy Dish
Replace the candy bowl on your desk with one full of condoms and a sign that says, "Hot Bitches Only!"
8. The Water Closet Reporter
Every time you return from the bathroom give a detailed update about your activities. Digital photos are a nice touch too.
7. The Caribbean Flu
Call in sick for a week with the "Caribbean Flu." Then return with the deepest tan imaginable.
6. The Korean Niece
On bring your daughter to work day, bring a Korean whore and tell everybody she's your “niece.” Then engage in deviant sex with her on top of your desk.
5. The Hasselhoff
Explain that where you come from, a Speedo and an unbuttoned shirt is considered "business casual."
4. The Finger Licking Good
Whenever you leave the employee bathroom, rather than washing your hands, lick your fingers like you just had a delicious meal.
3. The Movie Critic
Show up to the office covered in blood. Casually ask around if anyone has ever seen a movie where someone had to dispose of a dead hobo, and how it worked out for them in the end.
2. The Roman Helmet
Nail the Boss's daughter... To a cross.
1. The Creepy Laugher
Spend all day surfing funny websites and trying to hide your laughter from your coworkers who hate you b
Ya'll ain't gonna believe this shit!
Gemmy Industries Corporation........
That's right, the same people that brought you Big Mouth Billy Bass, the singing, dancing (sort of) wall mounted fish.
Except now they've gone "big time"! We're not messing around with any little fish. Hell no! We're dealing with a life-size, ten-point buck!
A life-size, ten-point buck head is now mounted on the wall in my bar. I'm no hunter, but I think I bagged me a big 'un!
Did I mention that "Buck" sings? No? How thoughtless of me. Let me fill you in. This deer head that sits perched on my wall wiggles his ears, moves his head around in all directions, tries to be smooth with the ladies, cracks jokes, and sings! We've got a little Elvis, some ZZ Top, Garth Brooks, the list goes on.
To make it even better, this bad boy has a motion detector. You walk by without really paying attention, and all of a sudden a giant life-size, ten-point buck starts talking to you before he breaks into song, you're gonna crap your pants!
One more thing. "Buck" comes with a wireless microphone. That's right. I said it. A microphone. That means that I can be sitting in the backyard, yet continue to have a conversation with someone in the bar. As the deer! It's my voice, coming out of an animatronic deer head.
Oh yeah, you can also hook your stereo up to "Buck", so your song choice are limitless!
This is a redneck's wet dream! And since I still consider myself a RIT, or redneck-in-training, this works out so well for me.
It also provides some much needed decoration to the bar area. Right before I was awarded this awesome gift, I was thinking to myself, "the bar's missing something, but I just can't put my finger on it".
This was a big surprise from my wife. She was very excited. And apparently, she knew just what the bar needed to spice it up a bit!
My feet hurt
I had to buy a new pair of dress shoes for the upcoming nuptial events. First pair of new dress shoes in many years. Figured I better start wearing them now, so that I could break them in so that they would be comfortable when the need arises for me to actually wear them. That way my feet won't feel like they do now and I'll be able to enjoy the event at hand instead of bitching about sore soles.
In conjunction with new shoes, I stepped (barefoot) onto a chunk of broken glass yesterday, causing bleeding, cursing, and discomfort.
In addition, I spent about 12 hours on Sunday doing yardwork wearing a pair of work boots that I don't normally wear.
All of these things add up to unhappy feet. And unhappy feet just stink.
Pre-1985 video games and you
I am a Pacman Ghost.
I like to hang around with friends, chatting, dancing, all that sort of thing. We don't appreciate outsiders, and do our best to discourage others approaching us. I enjoy occasionally wandering around randomly, and often find that when I do so, I get to where I wanted to be. What Video Game Character Are You?