Random & Incoherent
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
  out of the closet
Across the street from my office there is a billboard for The Container Store.

On a blue background with clouds is the statement:

"Make your dream closet a reality"

"Let us design it today"

Now, I've heard of having a dream house, a dream car, even a dream boat. But a "dream closet"? Come on! Have we become that banal, that pedantic? I don't honestly spend enough time thinking about the space in my dwelling that's sole purpose is storage to be able to have grandiose dreams about it. I mean, think about it, it's a closed off space in your house that holds boxes and shoes and whatnot, not a gold-encrusted floor with plush cushions and half naked women to massage away the day's weariness.

But if that last part were true, it truly would be a dream closet, and I'd never leave.

But what could possibly be next?

Dream pen and pencil set? Dream above the fridge cabinet space?
  Misery loves company
Just so you don't think that I'm the only one that bitches about traffic, or how easy it is to wear down a perfectly good set of brake pads, or simply how tractor trailers abuse their position on the road, I present to you the following Driving Pet Peeves, as described by the Mad Blogger himself:

1) Pump Action Brakes

2) Fuck it, I’ll Just Get Over

3) Rolling Road Block

4) Spinner Hub Caps

5) Multi-tasking Mary

6) The Bitch

7) Hector, Paco, Sanchez and Jose

8) The Parking Lot

9) Super Rubber Neckers

See, I'm not the only one.
Monday, March 27, 2006
  About to be blowin' up
Either Axl Rose has gone terribly downhill, or my buddy Scronce has changed his wardrobe.

Check out yet another pose for the possible promotion of the yet to be released "Chinese Democracy" at Metal Sludge
Got some pics of baby Chase>>>>>>just check out the Flickr box to the right
Saturday, March 25, 2006
  Sex bomb
What happens when you mix Tom Jones, figure skating, and all-out kitsch?

You get an extravaganza!

now click the pic to watch the video.
Friday, March 24, 2006

Celebrating all things red.....from mullets to bar-b-q

clicky the pic and be taken through a redneck wonderland while tapping your feet to the old familiar tune "Dueling Banjos"

as seen at:
Google Video of the Day
  how's my driving?
Sometimes I listen to music or a book-on-tape, sometimes I watch the other drivers, sometimes I space out and just listen to the sound of the engine as I am shuttling back and forth, from work to home. And sometimes, bumber stickers catch my eye.

Today, as I was rolling down interstate 285 one particular car caught my attention, a champagne colored Chevy Malibu. And not one of the old school "cool" ones, but rather one of the newer models that have no real character. It caught my eye for a couple of reasons. First, it was impeding my progress by going slower than I wanted to, and second, because it was a government car. You can tell by the license plate. In addition to the gov't tag, it also had a bumper sticker plastered across it's trunk with a web address on it: reportmydriving.ga.gov.

Typically you would see something similar on the back of tractor trailers "How's my driving? Call 1-800-bla-blah". But this was no ordinary business, this was a government car. No doubt paid for by my tax money. Well, ok, maybe not entirely funded by the pittance that is removed from my paycheck twice a week, but you get the picture.

Normally, I wouldn't think twice about such a thing, but considering the fact that I had received a roadside citation from a state trooper just a week before, I figured it was my time to enact some form of vengeance.

Taking the time to jot down the pertinent information (car number, tag number, make model), I bided my time until I was in the office and in front of a PC. I plugged in the website and was led to a page that wanted a report of negative and/or positive incidents regarding state vehicles.

The state of Georgia owns cars, vans, and trucks that are used by state employees for official business.
These vehicles are marked with the state of Georgia seal and/or state agency name. Use this form to report positive
or negative incidents involving the use of State of Georgia government vehicles .

I wasted little time in explaining that the car was traveling approximately 15 miles over the speed limit (I know because I was doing the same and not passing him), as well as following much too closely to the vehicle in front of him (I know this because that's what my citation was for). I'm awaiting a response from the government to fill me in on what type of disciplinary action was taken for this unruly driver.

The kick in the ass is this: it's Atlanta! Everybody goes over the posted speed limit! Everybody drives a bit closer than they should to the car in front of them! Nothing really new here, nor was it really an "incident".

But it sure did make me feel better.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
  Fry the pedophile bastards
You may already know that I have no qualms about actively utilizing the death penalty, even less when it deals with anyone that would willingly, knowingly hurt a child. And apparently my second home town agrees with me.

COLUMBIA -- State senators are considering a proposal that would allow South Carolina to execute those convicted two or more times of sexually assaulting children. Of course, my question is: why does it have to be a multiple offense situation? Isn't one case of sexually assaulting a child enough of a determining factor? Are we that impressed with our ability to rehabilitate criminals that we think it could never happen a second time?

Ok, so don't execute for the first offense. Simply ensure that the villain receives a physical castration. None of that wussy chemical castration. Involve physical pain. Then, if it happens again, execute with extreme prejudice.

Currently, South Carolina prosecutors can only seek the death penalty for murder with aggravating circumstances. If the proposed amendment by Sen. Kevin Bryant of Anderson passes, South Carolina would join Louisiana as the only other state to allow the death penalty for an offense other than murder, senators said.

And I would agree with this. Morales wouldn't, but I do. My biggest problem with the death penalty is that you can't kill a convict more than once. You can never impart upon abuser the type of pain and anguish that he caused you, or caused a loved one. Justice isn't fair and the punishment most definitely doesn't fit the crime.
  family values vs. freak nasty

On Friday, March 17 2006 (St. Patrick’s Day), I became an uncle. My sister-in-law delivered into this world Michael Chase Hallman. Now I’ve known for about as long as I’ve known her that this is what she’s always wanted, to be a wife and mother.

A buddy of mine at work just showed me the sonogram pictures: his wife is about 10 weeks into her pregnancy.

A friend in Columbia is currently working on renovating a room in his house, turning it into a nursery for the soon to be released rug rat.

Yet another friend who has a child under the age of two is working on child number 2.

The biggest similarity between all four is the fact that the “we’re trying to have a baby” conversation has been brought up.

I think it’s all a scam.

It’s a “meaningful” way to go outside of social mores and discuss sex. With people you know. With people you don’t. With damn near anybody that will listen.

When my wife’s sister got married, everyone was aware of the fact that she and her husband would begin “work” on their new family immediately. As long as you say it like that, then it’s a totally acceptable conversation. One that could feasibly held in front of a preacher, while in church, during the sermon. But try having the same conversation in the same situation without referencing reproduction. Go ahead, I dare you. Next time you find yourself in a situation where talk of procreation is “A-OK”, discuss your sex life with near-strangers. Chances are that those around you will shoot you the googly-eye. Hell, you might even catch an elbow in the ribs. Trust me, I know. After my nuptials, the first thing that I ever stated as a married man was how we were going back to the hotel room to make the sweet love as husband and wife. Good thing there was a lot of background noise and people had been drinking, otherwise, had it been heard, it would have been a serious faux paus, and only because I did not reference the possibility of planting my seed (which sounds really dirty when you say it like that).

Sit down with any wannabe mom & pop and you will be relegated to stories of how many times they did the deed, what different positions they might have used, any performance enhancing drugs that were taken (Viagra/fertility drugs), how many more days before she is ovulating again, what the latest sperm count is, etc., etc., etc.

It borders on profane conversation. In the time it took to hear about Sue’s ovulation cycle, you’ve just formed new opinions about your so-called friends. In no other social setting is it appropriate to discus something so intimate. SO STOP DOING IT!

Going forward, I would like to propose that any people that are in the process of starting a family simply state “we’re trying to start a family”. No more detail is needed.

And the same goes for any people that are not trying to start a family. I don’t need to hear your sex stories either. That’s what I have the internet for.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006
This was sent to me by a friend that is deathly allergic to cat dander and was recently placed in a situation that had 3 roaming felines.
I suggest clicking the pic to get a better view. You can't really tell what's going on if you can't read the bubbles.
Monday, March 20, 2006
  Have it your way...over and over again
For those of you that are a fan of the Whopper, as well as women dressed up as food products and/or condiments, do I have a surprise for you!

At the home of the Whopperettes you can add or subtract ingredients to make your perfect Whopper sandwich.

And sit back and enjoy the show as the burger is magically put together in front of your widening eyes.

I like to go back from time to time and add cheese and bacon.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
  The day after

As insight from:
Steve Hogan
Friday, March 17, 2006
  Daily Chuck
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris Facts
  Not quite Apple's intention
For all you perverse little audiophiles out there, and you know who you are..........

A British company has created a gadget that turns the iPod into a little white pleasure box.

Enter iBuzz (probably NSFW)

iBuzz is the musical orgasm machine! The music-activated vibrating bullet stimulates you in time with your favourite music. Which song pushes your buttons?

The iBuzz is a vibrator that, when connected to an MP3 player, emits stimulating pulses in time with music. Turning up the volume increases the vibrations.

Ali Carnegie, a spokeswoman for UK based Lovehoney (definitely NSFW), suggests that part of its appeal is discreetness. Women, she says, can use it "on their way to work."

So the next time you see someone fiddling with their iPod, they might just be fiddling with themselves.

And the only song that comes to mind is "Good Vibrations" from the Beach Boys.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
  Daily Chuck
Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris Facts
  paradox, perplexity, pickle, predicament, quagmire
Tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day. One of 2 of my favorite holidays (the other being Cinco De Mayo, but that's a different post altogether).

Over the past number of years, St. Paddy's day has fallen in the middle of the week, making it difficult to properly celebrate without calling in "sick" to work the next day.

To overcome this situation, on the way home from work I would stop in to the one local Irish pub on the southside of Atlanta, hoist a green beer or two, and then head home. I would ensure that I had already procured some fine Irish Whiskey, or perhaps a sixer of Harp.

And this was when part 2 of the tradition got started. Pop the Boondock Saints DVD into the player and hunker down for a mello Irish night.

But lo and behold.......3/17/06 falls on a FRIDAY this year! Oh, the possibilities. But what to do? Seems all the good places to go are in Buckhead or the Virginia Highlands. A mere hop, skip, and a jump from the office, but a good 50 miles from the house. There's no way I would be able to drive back, and I can't even begin to imagine how much a cab would cost.

And without either DVD nor DVD player, I can't revert to traditions past.
I'll have to start putting some serious thought into this. Any suggestions?
  Attention Geeks!

"Two star wars nerds battle it out in a home-grown effects & choreography extravaganza."

This is absolutely awesome! I would venture to say that the special effects these so-called "amateurs" have created rival what can be found in any of the Star Wars movies. Click the pic for the 5 minute video and prepare to be blown away.

What began as a friendly rivalry between two effects artists explodes off TheForce.Net's FanFilms Forum and into the real world in a lightsaber battle royale.

Found at:
Google Video of the Day
  Drunk before Friday
As I sit at my desk, attempting to make it look like I am diligently at work, my cell phone rings.

For all intents and purposes (read: anonymity), the caller was Fi Fi LaReu. Drunk. On a Wednesday. Afternoon.

It was 3 o'clock in the afternoon. I would have preferred to be anywhere but my desk. Especially if "anywhere" involved a bar.

Well, Fi Fi had gone to lunch, and from her own admission, consumed three "big ass" martinis. Not a problem if your next destination is home. But when you then have to make sales calls the rest of the afternoon, it might prove to be a bit daunting. But instead of heeding suggestions to find a Waffle House to chow down on classic drunk food like the hash browns, she insisted that she liked it and would find a liquor store to be able to maintain the buzz she had obtained at lunch throughout the remainder of the day.

Needless to say, it's always fun to have conversations with drunk people when you're the sober one. The worst part of the entire scenario is not the intoxication, but rather the fact that she had reached a point where she was drinking alone. Due to the confines of my office, I couldn't even join her in spirit over the phone. I still had to punch the clock before there would be any imbibing.

I think this was just a pre-game warm-up for the upcoming festivities of St. Patrick's Day.

Probably one of the better phone calls I have ever received while on the job.

It sure beats those "drunk dials", when a drunk friend of yours decides that 3 A.M. on a Tuesday is a good time to call and "chat".
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
  Daily Chuck
Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

Chuck Norris Facts
  "Steak and Blowjob Day"
March 14th is now officially "Steak and Blowjob Day". Simple, effective and self explanatory, this holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man how much you care for him.

The word is already beginning to spread, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world. And, of course, steak and BJ's.

So feel free to order that T-bone fellas, just be sure to have on a clean pair o' boxers!
Monday, March 13, 2006
  My weekend sucked because........
It all started on Thursday. Thursday was the day I was to take my test. Thursday was the day my wife was to return from a week in Montgomery. Thursday was the day it all fell apart.

I drove an hour to Statesville to take a test. A test I failed. A test that means the next step for me. I drove an hour home dealing with self-doubt, self-pity, and self-loathing.

And this was about the time that I learned that the flight my wife was supposed to be returning on had been canceled. It had been a week since I had seen her last.

On the way to pick her up from the airport the following day, I got stopped by a NC state trooper. Not for speeding, swerving, or even hookers and blow visible from the windshield. I was persecuted by "the man" for following too closely. Blue lights flashing, I was pulled over and stopped for unknown reasons. The state trooper informed me that there were an overabundance of rear-end collisions in the area, and that he had observed me following too closely to the vehicle in front of me. $145.00 and a pink citation later, I'm on my way. Damn shame he hadn't been in the area about 10 minutes prior when the tractor-trailer was crawling my ass, but I digress.

So now I'm late to pick my wife up and she's aware of the failed test. Needless to say, she was less than pleased with me. Pretty much put her in a foul mood the rest of the evening.

Top off the night with her inability to get a good night's sleep, up from 1 A.M. until 6 A.M. Back pain is a bitch, and I should know.

She can be a bit "crabby" when she doesn't get enough sleep. Add to that an entire day away from the house, helping out the in-laws.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to help, that's not the issue. Just the fact that I hadn't spent any time with my wife in quite a while. It had been at least 2 weeks since I had been in town, and the majority of that time, she was gone.

And then out the door again on Sunday for a 5 hour drive back to hotlanta, back to corporate hell.
  Daily Chuck
Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesomeness cannot be contained in one building.

Chuck Norris Facts
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
  lack of posting =
lack of time.

Been pretty busy "on vacation"......details to follow.

But in the mean time, have you noticed that I've added more pics to the Flickr box on the sidebar?
Thursday, March 02, 2006
  Daily Chuck
As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

Chuck Norris Facts
  12PM Reserve Car
Having just spent a weekend in the RTP/Chapel Hill area with a number of people that actually live there, I can totally see the following conversation happening:

Co-worker #1: Are these car rental coupons good in Hawaii?

Co-worker #2: I dunno, it says it's good in the United States.

Co-worker #1: Is Hawaii part of the United States?

Co-worker #2: Hey, is Hawaii part of the United States?

Co-worker #3: ...What? Are you serious?

Co-worker #2: Yeah, you know, like is Canada part of the US?

Co-worker #3: Canada is a completely different country.

Co-worker #2: I asked you about Hawaii you fool!

As seen at: Overheard in the Office
  Top Notch
This past weekend, I braved the hell hole that is the Atlanta Airport* and flew to Raleigh on Delta Airlines to see family and friends for a wedding reception.

It had been about 6 months or so since I had been on a plane and was unsure as to whether the lighter mandate as still in effect. I knew better than to take any type of pocketed folding blade with, thus I left it and my Zippo on the dresser before I even dared approach the airport. In place of the Zippo, I had a Bic lighter.

Prior to going through the intense security screening process, I inquired with an airline employee and was informed that there was still a ban on Bics and I would be forced to discard my flame producing apparatus. And that's why I left the Zippo at the house, wasn't about to toss that into the refuse, but the Bic didn't matter. There's a reason they are referred to as "disposable" lighters.

Anyway, no big deal. The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) has very strict guidelines as to what can and cannot be brought onto an airliner. And lighters (falling under the heading of "flammable") are on this list. And that covers both carry-on and checked luggage.

Now that I've already disposed of the Bic lighter that was occupying space in my pocket, I'm ready to take my shoes off, strip down, and waltz through security.

Everything's a breeze. No alarms go off. No body cavity searches. Just a smile and an "enjoy your flight, sir".

Well, considering I had about an hour and a half before my flight would board, I decided to find a quiet place to have a cigarette while I waited. As I reached into my carry-on bag to retrieve my cigarettes, I found yet another disposable lighter. Apparently I had forgotten that that one was in there.

And obviously, I wasn't the only one who missed it. How are you (TSA) going to enforce a guideline that you (TSA) determined to be security issue if you (TSA)cannot detect the presence of a prohibited item in carry-on baggage? Made it easier for me to smoke, but left me feeling less than secure.

What else did they miss? A couple of box cutters here and there? A hand gun? A weed-eater? A thermo-nuclear device? The worst that could happen in my situation is that I might be able to set something small on fire. But I ain't taking over no plane with a Bic lighter!

But, you ask, certainly they didn't make a similar snafu in a different city, in a different airport, with different personnel?

Oh, but they did!

When will the madness stop? When will all of the illegal lighter carriers be stopped?

Sounds like the TSA needs some more training, or they just need to lighten up a bit and not worry about the lighters. Maybe they should be searching for the shoe bombs instead.

*Interesting side note regarding the ATL: The "official" name of the airport is The Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport, but the website is www.atlanta-airport.com....apparently simplicity is overlooked here in the ATL unless of course you are spending 8 million dollars for a "branding campaign"
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
  Daily Chuck
An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't know what that is, but it sounds AWESOME.

Chuck Norris Facts
  Hurra Torpedo
They first came to light for me thanks to the Evil Tyrant.

Hurra Torpedo is a rock band from Norway that bangs out pop songs on beat up old kitchen appliances. You can read more about them at The Crushing Blow.

I thought so much of them that I suggested their "Total Eclipse of the Heart" video to Michael Martine over at GVOD (google video of the day). And apparently, he thought well enough about it to post it.

If you've got an extra 3 minutes or so and wish to see the Bonnie Tyler classic, as performed using kitchen appliances, I highly recommend that you check it out.
  Times have changed
There was a time when Lysol was more than a simple household cleaner, as first seen by me over at Evil Tyrant. Wonder why they don't explain the history? Oh well, it definitely shows the feminine side of the cleaning agent, even if you thought that the feminine side was the cleaning!
A Division of Mellanman Productions

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Location: Salisbury, North Carolina, United States

Kevin O'Mellan (Whittington Appraisals): Appraiser in Salisbury, Rowan County, North Carolina

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