On Friday, March 17 2006 (St. Patrick’s Day), I became an uncle. My sister-in-law delivered into this world Michael Chase Hallman. Now I’ve known for about as long as I’ve known her that this is what she’s always wanted, to be a wife and mother.

A buddy of mine at work just showed me the sonogram pictures: his wife is about 10 weeks into her pregnancy.

A friend in Columbia is currently working on renovating a room in his house, turning it into a nursery for the soon to be released rug rat.

Yet another friend who has a child under the age of two is working on child number 2.

The biggest similarity between all four is the fact that the “we’re trying to have a baby” conversation has been brought up.

I think it’s all a scam.

It’s a “meaningful” way to go outside of social mores and discuss sex. With people you know. With people you don’t. With damn near anybody that will listen.

When my wife’s sister got married, everyone was aware of the fact that she and her husband would begin “work” on their new family immediately. As long as you say it like that, then it’s a totally acceptable conversation. One that could feasibly held in front of a preacher, while in church, during the sermon. But try having the same conversation in the same situation without referencing reproduction. Go ahead, I dare you. Next time you find yourself in a situation where talk of procreation is “A-OK”, discuss your sex life with near-strangers. Chances are that those around you will shoot you the googly-eye. Hell, you might even catch an elbow in the ribs. Trust me, I know. After my nuptials, the first thing that I ever stated as a married man was how we were going back to the hotel room to make the sweet love as husband and wife. Good thing there was a lot of background noise and people had been drinking, otherwise, had it been heard, it would have been a serious faux paus, and only because I did not reference the possibility of planting my seed (which sounds really dirty when you say it like that).

Sit down with any wannabe mom & pop and you will be relegated to stories of how many times they did the deed, what different positions they might have used, any performance enhancing drugs that were taken (Viagra/fertility drugs), how many more days before she is ovulating again, what the latest sperm count is, etc., etc., etc.

It borders on profane conversation. In the time it took to hear about Sue’s ovulation cycle, you’ve just formed new opinions about your so-called friends. In no other social setting is it appropriate to discus something so intimate. SO STOP DOING IT!

Going forward, I would like to propose that any people that are in the process of starting a family simply state “we’re trying to start a family”. No more detail is needed.

And the same goes for any people that are not trying to start a family. I don’t need to hear your sex stories either. That’s what I have the internet for.

¶ 3:56 PM