Random & Incoherent
Monday, January 23, 2006
  One facial expression
After one helluva blowout farewell shindig, while nursing a hangover and really putting thought into whether or not I was actually going to try and drink a beer on Sunday, I perused my email to find the following:

Pictures from last night are on Flickr. Feel free to forward along.
Unauthorized use without express written consent is prohibited.
Kidding. Had lots of fun. Thanks to Gary and Grizelle for being such
rad hosts. Use the word rad in a sentence today. Do it. Seriously.


Unfortunately, I have come to the realization that I have only one facial expression, and it's not a pretty one.

I have also determined that from now on, only profile pics, no more straight-on, face-forward shots. I just look terrible that way. Profile is definitely the way to go.

And I think we found the next incarnartion of the Blues Brothers in the form of Dale and Sean.
  A Force of One
After reading about feats of amazement as listed by TAN, I am forced to ask: is there anything that Chuck Norris can't do?

A few examples of his awesomeness:

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
Friday, January 20, 2006
  What're ya gonna do? Laugh the last three to death?
It's a bit early, but I think I've found the perfect Christmas gift for any fan of The Boondock Saints

As I was rolling through sites this evening, I stumbled across yet another in a long line of t-shirts-with-foul-language-sites: DeezTeez.com. And just like any other in the long line, this one had a few humorous shirts, but one in particular caught my eye.

And the best part of it is, when you click on the shirt on DeezTeez.com, you hear the unmistakable quote "I'll catch you on the flip side".

Fuckin' awesome! I just don't know how else to describe it.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
  A black and white ticket
Seems I've stumbled across a running mate for Whitt.
The Diary of a Mad Blogger explains the things he would do if he were president in '06.

Seems like we could have a competitive ticket if we could just agree upon the year to run.

Not quite sure if both ego's could stand for president and vice, might have to come up with something more along the lines of "co-presidency", but I think we might actually be able to solve some of the problems that have been plaguing our society.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
  Trading Spaces
The benefit of having a truck with a trailer hitch on it is that I will never have to borrow someone else's vehicle to tow anything.

Typically, this shouldn't be a problem in the first place, but then again I'm pretty sure that I don't have anything embarrassing in my car to begin with.

As I was waiting on MARTA for a ride back from downtown to my place of business I received a phone call from Whitt.

Whitt had switched cars with David so that a boat trailer could be moved.

Now, for information purposes, we're all about the same age, give or take a year or two: early to mid-thirties.

Now the question that I received during the first phone call was "you're not gonna believe what I found in Dave's car".

Before I can even mutter a reply of "what", Barry Manilow's "Copacabana" comes blaring through the handset of my phone.

Now reference back to our age range. Thirties.

WPLM-FM researched this key demographic for title and artist preferences. Today, Easy 99.1 has brought back their music, with a unique mix of "the best songs by the biggest stars." It's real quality music, quality music by artists like Barbara Streisand, Neil Diamond, Tony Bennett, Barry Manilow, Dionne Warwick, Johnny Mathis, The Carpenters and more. It's music you can't hear anywhere else.

Our target upscale, mature audience is responding, and the WPLM-FM, Easy 99.1 is growing. it's a market that booms! Want to reach them? It's Easy 99.1.

There is nothing upscale or mature about the people I associate with, so I know that we're not a part of the intended demographic.

It's a bit disturbing to realize that some of the people that I know are transitioning over to "easy listening", especially considering that the last time I was in Dave's car Nine Inch Nails was playing, not quite the same demographic as Tony Bennett.
Monday, January 16, 2006
  Poop Happens
Potty training can feel like an exercise in futility, but every know and again you have a shining moment.

I had traveled to Columbia, S.C. Thursday after work, Junior in tow. Got to my parent's house and got settled, had a bit of dinner and had progressed to night-night time for the little one.

About an hour after I thought he had gone down for the night, I distinctly heard the pitter-patter of scurrying feet.

The boy had made his way back downstairs to find me. I was under the impression that he was just jerking around, trying not to go to bed. But when I asked him if he wanted me to pick him up to carry him back upstairs, he shook his head no and stated that he had to poop.

This was unheard of. This was the same boy would had no problem sitting in his own filth only weeks prior. I thought I might have misheard him. "Did you poop?" I asked? "Daddy, I have to poop", the only response.

So we make our way up to the bathroom and get settled on the pot. I have never witnessed such straining and facial manipulation, other than during his birth and that was coming from his mother!

But lo and behold, business was completed. "Big poop" being the only statement uttered out loud at the time. With a wave of satisfaction and a farewell of "bye-bye poop", the toilet was flushed and Connor went off to sleep.

Never in my life did I imagine a moment filled with shit would bring about feelings of pride and accomplishment.

Of course, if I announce that I just pooped on the potty, do I receive accolades? Of course not, I get chastised for even bring up the subject. Oh how life changes as you grow up.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
  Zen and the art of packing shit
As much as I hate moving, all the packing and lifting and arranging, I have come to the realization that it is one of the things that I excel at.

Almost like an art form.

A place for everything and everything in it's place.

I've turned a beat down trailer into a Rembrandt.

The bed of a truck into a Van Gogh.

Now, if only I could do the same with my checking account.......
I think I failed to mention that this is the time of year when my wife is inaccessible. For 2 weeks in January she is all consumed with a tradeshow that takes place in downtown Atlanta. 12+ hour days. Luckily her day starts just a little bit later than mine, and she is able to take junior to school in the morning.

Other than that, it's like being a single parent. By the time she gets home, junior is well past unconscious. She has just enough time to snarf down the salad I prepared for her and brush her teeth before she falls into her nightly coma.

Normally this is bad enough, but add on the out-of-town trip for this weekend, plus the headaches associated with a life altering move, and everything's a bit off-kilter.

I just hope I'm not forgetting anything.
  Random & Incoherent
Random & Incoherent

Loaded up the trailer this eveing for the last "pre-move" haul to NC. Now I just need to get through tomorrow.

Pick junior up from school, load the rest into the truck and haul ass. First stop: Columbia, SC. It's time for junior to spend some time with his grandparents, which will also make it easier to unload the truck/trailer.

Then it's off to property management company to sign the lease on the rental house.

With any luck, I might get some sleep this weekend.

Doubtful, but one can hope, right?

The Big Move is scheduled for the last week in January. And I've heard rumors of a "surprise" going away party the weekend before.

Good thing I didn't have any plans!
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
  It's the beer that has a problem

k0sjs5, originally uploaded by mellanman.

  Redneck Challenge Test
We are sick and tired of hearing about the low intelligence level of
folks living south of the Mason-Dixon Line--and we challenge any so-called
"smart Yankee" to take this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will
support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks
in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane
(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
(C) '64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 jars
of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense
the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of
the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is
2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers
will be consumed before the trees are cut down?

5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a
field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The
porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many
dogs will be killed?

6. A man owns a Georgia house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an
average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown
children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough
property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep
slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic
conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike
a vehicle with a muffler?

8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it
take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a
country-western singer?

I betcha thought that there test was gonna be an easy one, didn't ya?
It's okay if'n ya didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya...

There's a whole heap of things that big city book-learning don't prepare
ya for in this life.

As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK CHALLENGE", here's some
southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece...

Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and
place an order for delivery to your home. When the driver goes to deliver
it, catch a ride home with him.

As submitted by G.H.S

Filed under:
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
  Doctor, doctor, give me the news...
Dr. Bone, a consultant in gynocology, will completely ruin the awesomeness that is his name matched with his profession by having a sex-change operation. Say good bye to the bone, both literally and metaphorically.

As seen on Fark

Filed under:
Monday, January 09, 2006
  Straight Gangsta

As seen at Penny Arcade

I'm pretty sure this is why my mother would never allow me to have any form of
projectile-firing toy when I was growing up.
  Wiggles gone bad
This should be funny to any parent that is aware of the phenomenon known as the Wiggles

As seen at Worth1000.com
  Vindictive little bastard
My wife called me this morning during her commute downtown to tell me about a story she had heard on the radio. (yes, our life really is so boring that morning radio becomes the topic of conversation).

Anyway, I checked it out myself, and though I am amused, I apparently missed something by not hearing the radio DJ tell the story. Without further ado, I present to you the mouse that burned his house down:

Mouse thrown into fire sets home ablaze

FORT SUMNER, N.M. --A mouse got its revenge against a homeowner who tried to dispose of it in a pile of burning leaves. The blazing creature ran back to the man's house and set it on fire.

Some of you might have heard about my little run in with a pile of leaves. But don't worry, no mice were harmed in the making of that explosion, nor were any houses burned down. I was at least smart enough not to be burning during dry and windy conditions, close to house while throwing small rodents into the pile.

Too bad this guy wasn't in the house when it happened. At least that way we could have witnessed natural selection as it happened.

However, I think it would be even funnier if we were to find out that the mouse was able to extinguish himself and only burn down the house.
While taking a break this morning, I happened upon a few cardboard boxes. These are the boxes of cups for the food services department in our building. So far nothing wroing with any of this. Upon closer inspection I noticed a sort of warning label.

It read as follows:

IMPORTANT: Cups packed in this carton are intended for use with the correct size dart brand lids only

Now, I may not be the smartest guy around, but I'm pretty sure that the lid size needs to match the cup size. Lid too small? It will be obvious when you try to attach it to the cup that it simply will not fit and you will need to try again genius.
Lid too large? It will still fit over the mouth of the cup, but will not saty in place. Again, a pretty obvious situation.

Is this really something that we need warnings for? Have we as an entire society become so completely retarded that every little detail about every little thing has to be spelled out for us?


Oh, and by the way, the coffee is hot and might burn you if you're stupid enough to pour it on any of your body parts.

Filed under:
  Bad parenting

This pic, among similar others, was sent to me via email.
It's post-worthy due to the fact that my wife actually purchased this shirt for our child.

It's a little big for him right now, but I just can't see him wearing it out and about.

Can you imagine dropping your child off at day care while he was wearing such a thing?

I might think it's funny, most of the people I know might think it's funny, but I'm pretty sure that the people that are in the business of caring for our children while we corral ourselves in cube farms don't have a sense of humor.

Filed under:
Friday, January 06, 2006
  Movin' on up
Well, I think it's as official as it's gonna get.

We've got a contract and a down payment from someone wanting to lease our house.

We've got a deposit on a rental house in NC.

Now it's time to finish up the packing and actually move.

At some point, I'll have to explain to my place of employment why I won't be showing up for work anymore.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
  care for a sackful?

krystalad2, originally uploaded by mellanman.

Anyone that's had a big night out in Atlanta knows that the last stop before going home is Krystal. Whitt knows what I'm talking about. And don't forget about Dirty, the king of buying in bulk at 3 in the morning.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006
  Ancient Chinese Secret
Well, not really, actually more like really recent Chinese secret.

Well, at least I know what to get my wife for her birthday, soy-sauce-dispensing chopsticks. Luckily for me, I have already learned the ancient eastern art of dispensing soy sauce by hand.

Filed under:
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
  Dumbest Materialistic Fad of the Year:
Also known has putting hunks of metal on your teeth. Sure, people used to do it before, but the shit is starting to explode out among the Black community. It has to be the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen and I’ve seen a lot of dumb things before. Why the fuck would you want to put shit in your mouth that requires you to clean it with a brillo pad? Is that shit suppose to be hot? In 2006 I propose that anyone wearing that dumb shit be shot on sight. I guarantee that if we do that the average intelligence in our community will sky rocket.

As listed in the "2005 Losers of the Year Awards" from the Diary of a Mad Blogger

Of course, as you might already know, the spinners are my favorite.
(I'd link to it, but it seems as if that page is no longer available: http://www.triplexgoldteeth.com/)
  Bottles for everyone
If you live near Banner Elk, N.C., that is. But if this locally owned beer store goes down the drain, you might have to find your suds somewhere else.

The rumor mill churned word that Bottles was likely to close

Bottles, a locally owned beer and wine store in Banner Elk, was likely to close, local businesses decided to lend a hand.

The idea of a fundraiser dinner was pitched, with all proceeds going to Bottles.

Though Bottles is a staple to many Banner Elk residents, the store sees most of its business during the summer months. When winter sets in, however, tourists and visitors tend to prefer liquor, said Colette Barnes, who owns the store with her daughter, Sarah Robbins. The two opened Bottles in 2003.

Branching out to liquor would be a great option, but sadly it's not an available one in NC. Farkin' state only allows state-run liquor stores--no independent mom & pops or others.

Just for diversity, I'm going to have to say I like the gas station in blowing rock for my needs.

The real question is, why is Boone still not allowing alcohol by the drink?

Boone doesn't get liquor by the drink passed because the only people that vote are the locals, who don't want it. Since the students aren't registered residents of Watauga county, they don't get to vote. Hence, no liquor by the drink. It's actually quite common in our great state that there are counties that don't allow liquor by the drink, of course being more common in more rural counties. I knew people that went to college at WCU, and in Jackson county, this is how the law is set up: No beer, liquor, or wine sold in the county. EXCEPT: if you are in the town of Sylva (largest town in the county; not saying much, but still the largest). In Sylva, you can sell beer and wine at groceries, etc. There is an ABC store that you can purchase liquor at. Then, when you go to a bar, NO LIQUOR! Only beer and wine.

All I can figure is that if you only drink beer in a bar, but still drink liquor in your own home, but as long as you only buy it in a certain town within a county, you're still a good Christian.

Oh, and you can serve beer outside of Sylva if you're a private club. Which brings me to another great NC state-wide law: No alcohol can be served unless over 50% of your sales are for food. Unless it's a private club.

What the hell are lawmakers trying to prove with these jokes that they call law? All it does is piss people off, it doesn't help with drunk driving or any other public drunken disturbances.

To raise money for Bottles, tickets to the dinner are being sold for $55 or more, should the ticket-buyer wish to dig deeper. Scheduled for Wednesday, Jan. 4, the dinner will have two sittings, the first at 6 p.m. and the second at 8:30 p.m.

So if you're in the area tomorrow and feel like helping out a local business, swing by and chow down. Or if you can offer some sort of business planning advice to possibly correct their business model to ensure that these ladies actually turn a profit, give 'em a call.

Filed under:
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Location: Salisbury, North Carolina, United States

Kevin O'Mellan (Whittington Appraisals): Appraiser in Salisbury, Rowan County, North Carolina

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