Random & Incoherent
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
  Next time I'll work on my pecs
Ever wonder where jumbo shrimp come from? They're down at the local Y working out, taking 'roids, and running circles around the other sea creatures.

Would've made a helluva Reebok commercial.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
  Pain Don't Hurt
Remember that scene in Road House, after Patrick Swayze got cut and the hot doctor was about to administer staples to close him back up? The hot doctor asked him if he wanted anesthetic and he refused stating that “pain don’t hurt”.

Well, this is nothing like that at all.

El Jefe had gone through something minor that required stitches. Stitches need to be removed at some point after they’re in place. Normally, one would travel to a medical facility to have them removed. But not if you’re over-booked and short on “normal business hour” time.

Out comes the Leatherman multi-tool and the question, “want to cut out my stitches”?

Oh HELL no........But I’ll watch!

Nothing quite turns the stomach like watching someone, in dim light, swab themselves with rubbing alcohol, drink a beer, and then proceed to cut out stitches with what amounts to a Swiss Army knife on steroids.

Did I mention that the lamp had to be repositioned so that he could see better?

Did I mention that the lamp in question is one of those touch lamps? No knob or button. Just touch it and it turns on. Or off for that matter.

The best entertainment was watching as he tried to remove stitches in a dimly lit room and every time he bumped the light it turned off rendering the procedure into a “time out” due to darkness.

Moral of the story, if you’re short on time and can’t make it to a certified medical facility, get yourself a bottle of rubbing alcohol, a case of beer, a multi-use tool, and a friend to watch and laugh, and you too can play doctor in your own home.

And for the record, it did hurt a bit. Patrick Swayze he ain't.
  say it with frosting
We are expecting our second child in October.

Family and friends threw a baby shower for us in September.

Knowing the people that we associate with, I am somewhat surprised that a cake of a similar nature as the one shown below was not brought to that shower.

Of course, they would have had to change the name......and the skin color......and the, ahem, cup size.......but it is just soooooo in bad taste that it would have been a huge hit!
Monday, September 08, 2008
  Daily Chuck
Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked about this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
  Why breastfeeding Moms should not drink....
The following is an email I received from a friend of mine. I am passing this along as a public service to all potential mothers out there.

.......My sister got married the last weekend in April. She had an open bar....YIPPPEEE!!!! BUT, I have NO tolerance for alcohol since I had a baby and am still breastfeeding. I can actually get pretty loopy off of 3 beers and even 1, if I chug it. I am fully aware of this, not to mention I am breastfeeding and don't want to be drunk/hung over having to do my normal Motherly duties.

As soon as the wedding was over there was a cocktail hour. My wonderful husband went and got me a vodka tonic. When I was done with that one, he went and got me another one. Since I was in the wedding I had to go into the reception once everyone else was seated.......you know the announcing of the wedding party crap. While the wine was being offered to the guests at the table my wonderful husband (I do really love him) got me a glass of red wine. It was Fat Bastard Chiraz...one of my favorites!!

I drank this glass of wine, did my surprisingly sentimental unrehearsed speech during which I got teary-eyed. I went back to my table and told my husband I had 3 drinks and it was his turn to go hit the bar and drink up. He was so kind to tell me it was ok and that I could keep drinking. I am not sure why, knowing my zero tolerance, but I proceeded over to the bar where I got another vodka tonic. At this point the college mode switch must have gotten turned on accidentally. I ended up having about 7-8 vodka tonics. The reception was only about 4 hours. For some reason I did not think that this was enough alcohol in my body and since I had some pumped milk with me I decided to do a couple of Cabawaba Tequila shots with a highschool chum of mine that was at the wedding.

I did not feel too terribly drunk but ended up talking to my brother and his wife about a huge family war that they started. Not really the appropriate time or place to do this, not to mention I have no clue what I said. Around this point, most everyone was gone, I started to feel the vodka and tequila hitting me pretty suddenly.

I turned around on the boardwalk walkway to go to the bathroom. It was wet because it had been raining and I was wearing some slick soled flip flops....not really an excuse......but I somehow (it's a bit unclear) stumbled and fell forwards and then backwards. I remember my head flinging back and to the side, where the right side of my nose must have made impact with something (maybe a railing?) and then proceeded to fall off the walkway landing on the left side of my nose and busting up my knee.

One strap was ripped off my dress and blood was pouring out of my nose and bleeding from the right side from whatever I hit. I thought it was broken for sure. By this point my memory is very clouded and these events were gathered from observers.

I went to the bathroom and was sitting on the toilet with my panties arond my ankles with a huge crowd around me in my ripped and bloodied dress and my profusely bleeding nose. From what I hear the videographers got this on tape.

At this point my wonderful husband and my uncle had to carry me to my car. My husband and brother took turns wiggling my nose to see if it was broken. it did not hurt at this point. Then they put me in the car where I curled up in a ball on the back seat holding my nose with toilet paper.

When I got back home, my husband took the baby inside while my uncle stayed in the car with me. At this point I decided it was a good time to throw up. My uncle was so kind as to hold my head up while I sat in the car and puked in between his feet. Of course this made my nose start pouring with blood again (I know this because I remembering looking down at my pile of puke filled with blood).

Oh yeah...and did I mention I was supposed to take my uncle to the airport at 4am??? My brother ended up having to come from an hour away to drive another 45 min to take my uncle to the airport.

I had to go to the doctor the next day.....and no my nose wasn't broken. But, I was so hung over and my nose hurt so bad and I hadn't relieved my milk jugs in way too long, that when I got to the doctor's office HE had to tell me that I was leaking. I had two HUGE wet circles on my shirt where I had leaked because I was so messed up I forgot to put my breast pads on.

SO THAT'S why breastfeeding Mom's with no alcohol tolerance should not drink. And even if you think you MIGHT wear that bridesmaid dress again....think about what it will look like covered in blood with ripped straps!! It might not be so wearable again after all.

Hope you enjoyed my story and it was worth the wait. I am hoping there won't be another one like this any time soon. In all my years of playing sports and all the strange injuries I have had over the years I have never had a bloody nose. What an experience!! It really is amazing what I am capable of.

Take care and feel free to share this........INGRID
  Belly Bob
The other day, the boy was complaining about his stomach not feeling well. In an effort to alleviate his discomfort (which by the way he was faking) I decided to draw him a face, using the belly button as the mouth.

The look on his face is after he realized I had used a permanent marker and the face was not coming off any time soon.
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Location: Salisbury, North Carolina, United States

Kevin O'Mellan (Whittington Appraisals): Appraiser in Salisbury, Rowan County, North Carolina

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