Tuesday, August 16, 2005
The King is Dead
The Top 14 Ways to Commemorate the
28th Anniversary of Elvis's Death
14) Ingest the annual drug output of Bogota; ask W. to make you a special DEA agent.
13) Form a coast-to-coast chain of fans joined at the pelvis.
12) Try not to think about stroking out while taking a dump.
11) Practice a little self love... tenderly.
10) Go to Hawaii and win a big speedboat race, earning enough money to save your
girlfriend's family business. Proceed to make out with Ann-Margret.
9) Have Sonny and Red beat you senseless for looking at Priscilla.
8) Burn his likeness onto a tortilla, then leave it lying around for the housekeeper
to find.
7) Fry up a batch of peanut-butter-and-Quaalude sandwiches.
6) Wear a sequined uniform while on duty at the Post Office.
5) Place a picture of Michael Jackson next to one of Lisa Marie. Climb into coffin.
Spin.
4) Fire off a 21-television salute.
3) Pull out those blue suede shoes and use them to beat the Backstreet Boys to
unrecognizable pulp.
2) Dig up Richard Nixon's corpse and shake his hand.
and the Number 1 Way to Commemorate the 25th Anniversary of Elvis's Death...
1) Order an "Elvis Memorial Death-Day Sterling Silver Stool" from the Franklin Mint.
¶ 2:30 PM 
The Top 14 Ways to Commemorate the
28th Anniversary of Elvis's Death
14) Ingest the annual drug output of Bogota; ask W. to make you a special DEA agent.
13) Form a coast-to-coast chain of fans joined at the pelvis.
12) Try not to think about stroking out while taking a dump.
11) Practice a little self love... tenderly.
10) Go to Hawaii and win a big speedboat race, earning enough money to save your
girlfriend's family business. Proceed to make out with Ann-Margret.
9) Have Sonny and Red beat you senseless for looking at Priscilla.
8) Burn his likeness onto a tortilla, then leave it lying around for the housekeeper
to find.
7) Fry up a batch of peanut-butter-and-Quaalude sandwiches.
6) Wear a sequined uniform while on duty at the Post Office.
5) Place a picture of Michael Jackson next to one of Lisa Marie. Climb into coffin.
Spin.
4) Fire off a 21-television salute.
3) Pull out those blue suede shoes and use them to beat the Backstreet Boys to
unrecognizable pulp.
2) Dig up Richard Nixon's corpse and shake his hand.
and the Number 1 Way to Commemorate the 25th Anniversary of Elvis's Death...
1) Order an "Elvis Memorial Death-Day Sterling Silver Stool" from the Franklin Mint.
¶ 2:30 PM
