Random & Incoherent
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
I'm not a big news fan. Doesn't particularly matter what format it's in, newspaper, television, or internet. Typically it's either bad news, or mundane stories that you mostly don't care about. Or the knowledge base necessary to understand what's being discussed is over my head. Or it's political. I prefer to get my news in an entertaining fashion and have looked to Fark.com for just such a delivery. This is the same source that the majority of morning radio shows use, but without giving proper credit.

I used to say that the reason I didn't watch the news when I was in Atlanta was due to the fact that it was all bad news and violence, nothing uplifting or entertaining. But then again, I guess it's not the up to the news casters and reporters to do that for us.

I didn't read the Atlanta-Journal Constitution for the same reason. That and the fact that the daily paper was about as thick as a phone book.

Why am I telling you this? Cause nobody else wants to hear me babble on about newspapers.

And the fact that one of my Christmas gifts was a subscription to my new local newspaper, The Salisbury Post.

It's always more fun living in a smaller city. Most of the news stories are from bigger metropolitan areas, so are pretty much irrelevant, or they focus on local stories like the guy who found the hospital bill from the day he was born (a grand total of $64.50) and daddy's driver's license in a box in his attic. I ask you, why is this news? Although, I guess it's better than hearing about the inmates that are learning needlepoint and giving away scarves and blankets to the VA hospital.

It's possible, due to my lack of a point of reference, that this is just how newspapers are filled. And every now and again you do come across a jewel.

Page 2B of Monday's paper:
Couple charged with razor, chair assaults

Now if that doesn't knock the wind out of you with attention-catching goodness, you just aren't alive.

I think my favorite part about this story is that they list the couple by name, age, and address. So, if you happen to be in the neighborhood, you can feel free to mock them and throw rotten fruit at their door.

They were each charged with "assualt with a deadly weapon". Now, I was aware that a straight razor could be a deadly weapon, but I've never heard of a chair being referred to as a weapon at all. Sure you see them swung in anger in bar fights in the movies, but I didn't know anyone actually did that.

What happened here? Well, Yolanda was coming at me with the straight razor, so I heaved the La-Z-Boy at her. Knocked her out cold.

I'm beginning to think that The Post just rounds up all the retirees in the area and puts them in front of a typewriter and prints whatever delusions they type out. At least that's the way it looks from the staff photos they include with the stories.

I could go on, but I think if you've read this far, you don't want to be punished by hearing about the potty training procedures of the grandmother and her grandduaghter, or of how the simple things (paying bills and getting your car inspected) in life get to be more difficult as you grow older.

I'll just have to see if any whirlwind stories pop up and keep you posted.
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Location: Salisbury, North Carolina, United States

Kevin O'Mellan (Whittington Appraisals): Appraiser in Salisbury, Rowan County, North Carolina

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