Friday, October 07, 2005
"Closer" - - A review by Trey Raley
I remember how skeptical I was when my girlfriend brought this movie to me in the video store the other day. “Closer”. I had never even heard of it.
So, I looked over the DVD to notice that it had an incredible cast: Julia Roberts, Jude Law, and Natalie Portman. Now, you know how people say go with your first instinct? I decided to ignore that and give this great cast a chance. Besides, at least I got to watch Natalie Portman for an hour and a half and the princess is hot these days. How bad can it be?
The answer cannot be described in a group of words that form a sentence. All I can say is that not only was it bad, I think it has become my arch nemesis. I have made it my sworn duty to prevent all of humanity from this movie. I go from video store to video store with my cape and tights and warn everyone to please not watch this movie. Now I know you are saying, “Come on it can’t be that bad.” And inevitably, I have discovered people who loved this movie. So I shot them in the face. I know it sounds cruel but if there are still people out there who think this movie is good, Hollywood will continue to put crap like it out there for consumption.
There was a scene in “Closer” that almost held my attention. It was a scene where Natalie Portman was a stripper and did the scene in only a thong and bra. This caused me to remove the razor from my wrist and actually pay attention for a while. However, the scene itself takes so long and seems so pointless that, despite seeing Darth Vader’s wife practically naked and saying suggestive things, I prayed for it to be over. It is one of the few times that at a movie theatre, the popcorn is actually worth more than the ticket price, even if it is stale.
So in conclusion, I realized that in the hour and a half that I watched “Closer”, thousands of people around the world died… and I wished I was one of them. Now I’m sure if you wear enough tye dye, hug enough trees, and smoke enough pot, you might find a way to contribute this as a piece of art. However, for a normal overweight, borderline alcoholic like myself, it is a piece of shit.
Rating: Sucked!! ¶ 6:21 AM
So, I looked over the DVD to notice that it had an incredible cast: Julia Roberts, Jude Law, and Natalie Portman. Now, you know how people say go with your first instinct? I decided to ignore that and give this great cast a chance. Besides, at least I got to watch Natalie Portman for an hour and a half and the princess is hot these days. How bad can it be?
The answer cannot be described in a group of words that form a sentence. All I can say is that not only was it bad, I think it has become my arch nemesis. I have made it my sworn duty to prevent all of humanity from this movie. I go from video store to video store with my cape and tights and warn everyone to please not watch this movie. Now I know you are saying, “Come on it can’t be that bad.” And inevitably, I have discovered people who loved this movie. So I shot them in the face. I know it sounds cruel but if there are still people out there who think this movie is good, Hollywood will continue to put crap like it out there for consumption.
There was a scene in “Closer” that almost held my attention. It was a scene where Natalie Portman was a stripper and did the scene in only a thong and bra. This caused me to remove the razor from my wrist and actually pay attention for a while. However, the scene itself takes so long and seems so pointless that, despite seeing Darth Vader’s wife practically naked and saying suggestive things, I prayed for it to be over. It is one of the few times that at a movie theatre, the popcorn is actually worth more than the ticket price, even if it is stale.
So in conclusion, I realized that in the hour and a half that I watched “Closer”, thousands of people around the world died… and I wished I was one of them. Now I’m sure if you wear enough tye dye, hug enough trees, and smoke enough pot, you might find a way to contribute this as a piece of art. However, for a normal overweight, borderline alcoholic like myself, it is a piece of shit.
Rating: Sucked!! ¶ 6:21 AM
