Random & Incoherent
Thursday, January 17, 2008
  David's Discount Carbon Credits®

Reduce your carbon footprint. Fight global warming. Save the planet.

Does your carbon footprint make you feel like a Yeti? Do you loose sleep at night because you drive a CO2 spewing SUV? Do you feel guilty about living in a warm house and not wanting to wear three sweaters all day? Do people point at you and whisper about you not taking climate change seriously?

Stop the guilt! Prove that you care.

Buy carbon credits - cheap.

For a small investment, we, at
David’s Discount Carbon Credits®, will reduce atmospheric CO2 for you. With each carbon credit purchase you will receive an official certificate (suitable for framing) which you can use to prove that you are doing something to save the planet. Several options are available for you.

1. For a mere $5.00 a month, I will continue to use a rake and not buy one of those nice leaf blowers I have my eye on. Also, I will continue to use my electric lawn mower and not get a planet warming gas mower.

2. I have numerous trees on my property. These suck massive amounts of CO2 out of the atmosphere. For a reasonable amount, you can adopt one of these trees and it will not be cut down and turned into firewood. Small tree: $5.00 per month. Med tree: $15.00 per month. Large tree (very large): $50.00 per month.

3. For only $5.00 a day (or $20.00 per week) we will take transit to work and not drive. For $10.00 per day (or $40.00 per week) I will ride my bicycle to work. This not only reduces CO2 emissions but has the added bonus of reducing traffic downtown.

4. For those wishing to make a larger investment in our planet, this is a great deal. For only $200.00 I will guarantee to not set my thermostat above 68°F for the entire winter. I will lower it to 66°F for $400.00 per winter, to 64°F for $800.00 and to 62°F for $1600.00. (That is as cold as I will go.) For the summer a flat rate of $500 and I will not turn the air conditioner below 80°F.

5. I have been looking to replace my car with a large SUV. For just $50.00 I will put off buying an SUV for one month. For $500.00 I will not buy an SUV for an entire year. That’s 2 months free. For an additional $20.00 per month or $200.00 per year I will not buy two SUVs.

6. Looking for flexibility? Here it is. Our Travel Carbon Credits can be customized to your individual needs. You pick the destination and for only one cent per mile (return), I will not fly there during the next 12 months. Pick exotic locations like Tokyo, Rio de Janeiro or Anrananarivo, or if you’re on a budget, choose something a little closer such as Vancouver or Edmonton. The options are endless. When you consider the CO2 put into the air by airplanes, you will agree that this is a very reasonable way to reduce carbon emissions.

Start living a relaxed, guilt free life and help to save the planet at the same time. Keep your comfortable standard of living and reduce our collective carbon footprint. Invest early, invest often. Time is running out; the seas are rising.

Do it - for the children!

(cash only please)

Directly from the Evil Tyrant himself

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Kevin O'Mellan (Whittington Appraisals): Appraiser in Salisbury, Rowan County, North Carolina

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