Random & Incoherent
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
  preparation for the holidays
It's a known assumption that alcohol consumption spikes dramatically during the holiday season. Can't really say why....more football games to watch....more stress....more to celebrate....whatever the reason, the bottle gets hit, and gets hit hard.

I know that I will be drinking, but I never plan on the hangover. I don't really know too many people that plan that part of the party. But as a public service, I present to you the 5 levels of hangovers:


One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function
relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5
cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a
steak & fries.


Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but
you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are
chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still
tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House
excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your
bowels.


Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume
reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends
dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your
bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a
gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke--yet you haven't peed
once.


Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or
else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being
late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice
clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side
of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on
while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein,
and even your hair hurts. Your ass is in perpetual spasm, and
the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water
to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore
and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your
mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop
fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your tongue is
suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger
was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to take a dump results
in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'Floater'
thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'Floater' seems to be to splash the
toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now...




And to handle that hangover, I present to you the plentiful, if repugnant, hangover cures (as spotted at Dumb Little Man):


* Drink Buttermilk. (ughhh) It will calm you stomach and add badly needed liquid into your system. That is, if you can keep buttermilk down hungover.

* Ginseng tea is given to relieve the effects of alcohol. This may be the practice, but there is no reason to believe ginseng will help.

* Reduce the amount of sugar you consume while drinking. The boosted metabolism of sugar AND alcohol will accelerate the depletion of B vitamins and make your hangover worse.

* Drinking homemade Sauerkraut juice, the solution in which the cabbage was fermented in, in the morning (a staple hangover remedy in Serbia, called rasol)

* Greasy food is a fairly effective remedy, though not as effective as "preemptive strikes" like the aforementioned Ibuprofen at night.

* Going for a swim in cold water feels painful, but often helps to manage the headache.

* “The hair of the dog”. a.k.a. drink more. Well liked and effective, but this is more of a procrastination tactic, as a hangover is basically alcohol withdraw and you’re just prolonging your inebriation.

* Have sex. First of all: easier said than done hungover. Second of all: oh, wait, ’sounds good other than that first thing. This gets your blood pumping and will release endorphins which are natural painkillers and mood-enhancers. See exercise below.

* Drinking Coke or Pepsi. (The “Black Aspirin” or “Red Ambulance”) the caffeine, bubbles and sugar can be easier to hold down than pure water (or buttermilk). Sugar partially compensates the inhibition of the gluconeogenesis.

* Drinking pickle juice, the solution in which cucumbers were pickled, in the morning (a staple hangover remedy in Russia and Poland). It is sometimes suggested to add honey to the solution.

* Eating some Asparagus before bed. Asparagus is a diuretic and these only compound the problem.

* Eating whole jalapeños. This will certainly wake you up.

* Pedialyte. This contains more electrolytes than almost any over-the-counter drug. This will help you re-hydrate your body as quickly as possible.

* Eating mineral-rich foods, like pickles or canned fish.See buttermilk, above. Gross.



Good Luck and Happy Holidays!
 
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