Birthday gift The best present that I received for my 30th birthday was the continued life of my son. I say "continued" due to the fact that I just about ended his short life here on earth. As Bill Cosby has said, "I brought you into this world, I'll take you out. I'll make another one that looks just like you!"

As Sunday was coming to a close, the O'Mellan family was all snuggled in bed. Well, 2 out of three were snuggled in bed. The third, a little wiggle watchin' O'Mellan, was restless due to the fact that he had not been able to run all of his energy out of his system because it had been raining all day and he was stuck inside.

Junior was flailing about with a toy hammer in his hands when he inadvertently reared back and smacked his mother in the head with the hammer. The hammer got tossed across the room and junior got a stern talking to and was forced to apologize to his mother and "be sweet".

But within 5 minutes of his "being sweet" something changed. Apparently, short pants did not like being talked down to by his father. His facial expression changed, and by this time I could tell that he was channeling Mike Tyson, only with a slightly different speech impediment.

Champ looked me dead in the eyes, balled one hand into a fist, reared back and took a swing at me. I was so totally unprepared for this that I had no way to defend myself. His fist caught me right in the eyeball, causing my contact lens to spring forth from it's container with such force as to pop him in his forehead.

Now, not only am I in pain from the initial attack, but I'm blind (I have 20/400 vision, keeping in mind that normal is 20/20) as well.

It was all I could do to keep myself from hurling Oscar De Lahoya across the room much as I did the toy hammer about 7 seven minutes earlier. Luckily for the boy, his mother swooped him up, carried him like a sack of potatoes down the hall, and deposited him in his crib, where he was to remain until morning.

Now we all knew that I would be no match for the boy physically, but I thought it would be a number of years before he would actually become a threat. I thought I had time to start working out, lifting weights, bulking up. I had no idea I would have to start defending myself from someone that hasn't even graced this earth for two years yet. O.K., O.K., so we know I'm full of shit about the whole "bulking up" thing. That's why I own a gun. Now I don't want any nasty emails form any of the grandparents. I wouldn't kill him. He is my only son after all. But I would most definitely wing him. Anything to get the advantage over sasquatch. Besides, it'll only be a flesh wound. Children are resilient. He'll bounce back.

I guess I should've learned my lesson about a month ago when he dropped his old man to the floor with one swift kick to the family jewels.

  ¶ 10:32 PM