Bad day at the office I think Limp Bizkit said it best with lyrics from the hit song "Break Stuff"

Its just one of those days
When you don't wanna wake up
Everything is f*cked
Everybody sux
You don't really know why
But you want justify
Rippin' someone's head off
No human contact
And if you interact
Your life is on contract
Your best bet is to stay away motherf*cker
It's just one of those days!!

The first thing that I saw


Peripheral Damage

I hope you know I pack a chain saw
I'll skin your ass raw
And if my day keeps goin' this way I just might break somethin' tonight...


dead

This was the scene upon arriving back at the office to get some work done tonight. That poor printer never stood a chance.

Try getting away with that in the cube farm! It might be a bit maniacal, but this is one of the benefits of the "home office".

And nobody goes to jail.  ¶ 12:00 AM 0 comments

  Difference of opinion My sister-in-law and her husband just bought a new house. And I just started a new career in real estate appraisal.

This is from an email she sent to me:

YOUR HOUSE

As seen by:

YOU


As seen by:
Your Banker


As seen by:

The Buyer


As seen by:

The Buyer's Appraiser


And finally, as seen by:

The Tax Assessor
  ¶ 10:06 PM 0 comments

  Just hanging around This past Friday we had some pretty good thunderstorms roll through old Salisbury. As a result, it drove a few creatures out of their normal habitat. One such you can see below. Apparently, a sliding glass door makes for a good spot for a tree frog.

Yet another in the long line of things I just didn't see when I was in a cube farm.  ¶ 11:30 AM 0 comments

  Death or super human strength?..........probably death I had an appointment this morning to appraise a home, which is a good thing, because that's what I do now.

As per usual, I checked to see what the weather was going to be like so that I would know to dress appropriately. However, even after having checked to ensure that it would in fact be in the mid-nineties, I chose to wear a pair of black pants anyway. Color me brilliant. Although, to make up for it, I did choose a white golf shirt to complete the ensemble. This kept the top half cool, while slow-roasting the lower half.

Times are few and far between that I am dripping sweat prior to noon, but this was one of those days.

And to top things off, while measuring the outside of the home, a flying ant attacked me.

Flying low like a black hawk helicopter, the ant bypassed the minimum security measures that my sunglasses were providing. Slipping under the radar, he landed on my eye. And just like a dog marking his territory, this ant commando decided to let me know who was boss. He chomped down on my eyelid much quicker than I could rip my shades off and poke myself in the eye.

Score one for mother nature and her beautiful bugs.

Now there is a stinging/burning sensation across my right eyelid. My only hope is that the flying ant had fallen into a vat of nuclear waste and this bite will transform me into some great superhero. Or, I could have simply been poisoned by his radioactive venom and will fall dead. Either way, it's bound to be exciting, But I guess we'll have to wait until tomorrow to find out. Because that's how it works, right? Overnight transformation (here's hoping!) ...or...DEATH!

So if you don't hear from me anytime in the near future, you'll know what happened.  ¶ 11:40 AM 0 comments

  Apparently, green beans are nasty

Biggest thing I've learned today: you can only push a child so far. Once you reach a certain point, they WILL push back, whether it's a voluntary or involuntary response, that's what'll keep you guessing.

All of a sudden my 3 year old thinks that he doesn’t like vegetables. I guess he simply can’t remember that back in the day he would chug strained peas, smashed peaches, liquefied asparagus, etc., etc.

We had a bit of a stand-off yesterday regarding corn. Daddy won that one. And without tears, screaming, crying, etc.

However

Tonight was a different story.

Mommy had gone to the trouble to cook steak kabobs, rice and green beans. (I haven’t been self-employed long enough for the government cheese to be a factor, yet.)

After having cleared his plate of any evidence of charred cow, Connor requests a refill. Neither the rice nor the green beans had been touched. We stated to him that we would be happy to encourage his growth with another helping of steak, but he would have to at least try some of the green beans (you know, the same thing he was eating through a strainer not but 18 months ago).

The facial contortions, full body shivers, crossed eyes, and horking noises that came from the boy, you’d think we were trying to force feed him sludge from the sewer.

But we were determined. He was going to eat his vegetables. Or so we thought.

As the last green bean of the night went down his gullet, all of his contortions had forced every bit of his night time meal to be forcefully reintroduced.

Apparently, he had not been chewing up the beans, rather swallowing them whole. As it appears, there’s only so much room in a 3 year old esophagus. It will only hold a certain amount of steak and beans.

Remember when your mother used to nag you to chew your food thoroughly? There was definitely a good reason for it. She didn’t want you to blow chunks all over her clean kitchen.

Chalk one up for the boy and desire not to eat green beans.

Can’t wait to see what happens the next time we decide to have squash.

  ¶ 9:12 PM 0 comments

  all pumped up With the summer months here, the oil companies have devised a new logo in hopes of assuaging any fear felt by the consumer




and without the common courtesy of a reach around

an email from the Evil Tyrant  ¶ 3:59 PM 0 comments

  Get on the bus! Due to the fact that I have resgned myself from the "corporate" world, this will probably be the last post that deals directly with Corporate America.

Prior to my departure from the company, it was announced that there was to be a leadership conference, which was mandatory for all management level employees. This conference was to be held in Orlando, Florida. This conference was scheduled for approximately 1 week after my departure date, so as you can probably already guess, I was none too concerned about it. We had been informed that there were buses scheduled to handle the question of transportation from Atlanta to Orlando. In the event that you did not want to get on a bus with your fellow employees at 6 AM for the approximate 8 hour venture into Florida, you had the option of driving yourself. You would even be re-imbursed at a cost of $50. This figure was calculated against what was the estimated cost, per person, for bus fare.Now, before you go getting excited about fitting 15 people into a rented van and pocketing some of that $50 travel fare, keep in mind that the money was only to paid out to the individual whose car was used. NOT $50 per peron, as one would be led to believe if taken from the cost of the bus ride.

Anyway, in staff meetings leading up to the big event, "bus captains" were requested. No one was really sure what the role of the "bus captain" was to entail, but in general, I'm sure it had to do with head count, making sure everyone was on the bus at the right time, and overall just being a jovial personality to help make the trip seem shorter.

An "official" email was sent out to about 300+ employees:

Subject: Bus Trip To Orlando (Atlanta Employees)
Importance: High

Hello team members!

I am working with on the 2006 Leadership Conference Trip. I will be coordinating the bus trip.

At the present time we will carry 3 buses on this trip. On the 18th of May 2006, the buses will leave at 6:00 am sharp from West Peachtree St and 3rd . We anticipate the trip will take 7 hours. According to the DOT (Georgia and Florida), there are no major road constructions during the time of our travel ( no anticipated delays). I am working out the parking issues for the over night parking and our late arrival on the 19th.

I need a head count ASAP for those who will be riding the bus. If we don’t need 3 buses, I will need time to cancel one of them. I'm sure that you are aware of the voucher amount if you plan to drive ($50.00). Fifty dollars might get you a gallon of gas! : ) If you are riding the bus, please let me know (via email) by COB on Monday April 24, 2006. This head count will also help with parking issues.

I will need 2 or 3 bus captains! (depends on how many buses we will carry) The bus captains will be responsible for the good times and other stuff on the bus!

I am open for all suggestions!

More to come!

Well it would appear that not everybody was happy about this particular trip. And, it also goes to show that you should never end an email with the phrase "I am open for all suggestions!"

This next email response was definitely not expected.



Subject: RE: Bus Trip To Orlando (Atlanta Employees)

Why don't ya'll just cancel this conference! If we're so hardup for $$ we can't even voucher
$50.00 if we carpool with someone else is crazy. You can have my $50.00 for bus fare! I don't care to go to the conference anyway. It's probably going to be a big waste of time and the money could be better spent somewhere else.

Thanks,

Tom *****

Now, being the smartass that I am, as well as feeling safe in the knowledge that I would not be around for the conference, nor further employment, I thought it would be a good idea to respond to all:

Subject: RE: Bus Trip To Orlando (Atlanta Employees)

So I guess we can take your name off of the "bus captain" list?

I got a number of responses to my jab at the definitely unhappy-with-his-job guy, none of which were a "reply to all", all of which were there to offer up congratulations on my quick wit.

That is to say, all with the exception of my director:

Subject: RE: Bus Trip To Orlando (Atlanta Employees)

Kevin,
No need to antagonize an irritable employee. Please refrain from future emails of this sort.
Thanks-
George


Needlessto say, I wasn't worried about repercussions and it just illustrates yet another point regarding why I'm not quite cut out for Corporate America.  ¶ 3:06 PM 0 comments

  profile pic   ¶ 7:47 PM 0 comments

  The things you see It's quite a difference not being in an office buidling anymore. No more "corporate casual". Being out and about in different cities in North Carolina you really get to see quite a mix of people. Absolutely nothing like what you would see in your typical cube farm. I've included a few examples so that you might be better able to visualize what it is I now see on a daily basis.










**Disclaimer**
I have not actually met any of these women  ¶ 2:24 PM 0 comments

  How to raise morale at work
I'm really pushing El Jefe for this one!


As seen at Worth1000  ¶ 2:18 PM 0 comments

  Living Will Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room talking about many things.

The idea of a living will came up and I said to her,

"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If I ever come to that just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

Bitch...  ¶ 2:14 PM 0 comments